Monday, February 5, 2018

How It's Not Okay

I realized today how you are never really free. Okay, let's make this personal. Let's talk about this for me. How I don't feel free.

It's that sinking feeling for me. It creeps up when I am happy, reminding me that there is something I am failing at/will fail at.
It's the voice that keeps making those mental lists of to-do things. It cries itself hoarse lest I forget.
The body yet though is unable to move, facing some kind of a deision paralysis.
It is the constant reminder telling me about how bad it was, how it could so easily happen again. That complacency is always bad, resting on what I have now is unethical, immoral.
How I am not cut out for my workplace, any workplace at all. Like I could try and work harder (yes, I should) but how will I change the person I am? It's in the way I am with people, it's how I treat work, it's in the qualities I see as necessary. It's like getting there and knowing that it's not it. Where do you go then?
No institutions are supposed to take care of your well-being and perhaps why should they? Who does the moral responsibility lie with? It might be a millenial thing to be screwed up like that but nobody deserves that. Where does the line lie? When are you just being lazy and when is it an actual problem? Which problems do you just make your peace with and which do you work on/resolve? This sounds like figuring out how to live, really! I wonder if all that I ask is worth asking or something that you figure out as you walk along..
Feeling crushed doesn't feel good. 
Taking it slow does.
Can you imagine having to force yourself to do things that you know would feel good? A part of it is because these activities take so much time.
So many people keep falling prey to it.. some I know who disguise it with social media. It's so unreal and weird. And useless. Whom are we fooling and why?
I mean, ya, being vulnerable makes no sense either because of the whole how you're valued thing. Which brings me back to whose reponsibility is a person's well-being anyway?
How do you accept who and where you are and deal with your insides?
How do you keep it quiet for a longer time?
How do you deal with grasping air when you'd much rather have structure?
Some questions I do not even know how to ask without seeming like some weird vulnerable person.
Is there a food chain of sorts? Do we respect ones on top? You can opt out of the chain? Is there a check box for that?
How do you stop worrying?
Am I just a priveleged millenial refusing to take responsibility? 

Ah, I think this question is a cue to stop questioning. Good night.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

A Little Chat

Like I have said before, one of the perks of being where I am is smart (and luckily, genuine) people. This is an abridged version of a conversation I just had yesterday.
First, one of the most relieving things I felt was that curiosity and eagerness could get rewarded! It isn't either or not thing. I am surrounded equally by people who are ambitious and career-oriented with just that on their mind but thankfully a senior prescence who is not solely focused on that. Like, as far as I know.
To get there , to think in this wonderful manner, you need to read and be so curious about everything! Keep asking questions and try to connect the dots to you existing body of knowledge.That means exposing yourself to many, many things - drama, art, literature, whatever. Even then though, it's about how much you absorb.. Really see things and really hear. Otherwise, how do you really get things? He said it doesn't come to everyone but also said how its benefits might not be quantifiable. How many seniors also don't have it but like life goes on. Critical thinking is an important skill in my opinion as well. Here's to me becoming that.
It's just so inspiring and encouraging to be in the same room as him. He gives out so much positivity, direction and ideas. His time is important. Always off to somewhere, doing something important.
Let me think... what else did he tell me that day? I should have written it all down that day itself.
That, ya, there is no correct way to get to where you want. All the checkboxes might never get ticked. Depending on the future is poppycock. (Paraphrasing and shortening it).
So, basically, do what makes you happy.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

New Place. New Bed.

If there's one thing I hate, it's being alone. Also, it's so cold.
Being alone with expectations hanging over your head suck more. Guess that's what growing up means. Bear with me because it will not make sense.
Things that creep up on you.
Don't even feel like writing up on here anymore.


Tuesday, January 2, 2018

I'm feeling 22!

Autoplay played 22 right now.
I was singing along and realized I didn't do the customary song sing along on my birthday or even throughout the year.
HAD to do it now!
Last 2.5 hours of being 22.
Can't believe.

Wait, even better. I will wait for 7 minutes. Exactly, 2.2 hours for 22 then.

This is a 2013 song. She was doing that when she was 22. Of course she was feeling 22.

Okay, just re-calculated. Have to wait for 10 minutes more for that to happen!

Oh I forgot all about this and am 10 minutes too late for this now. Kthanks. :/

Monday, January 1, 2018

What? It's 2018 already!?

Accurate way to describe how I feel about time passing. I fear it's just going to get worse with each passing year.

One thing that I am carrying into 2018 is to be selfish. Even if that means detaching yourself from all kinds of negativity. To put yourself first. It sounds kind of asshole-y, specially with respect to all the beautiful things people say on New Year's ( I have a ton of good things to say too!) - but sometimes you got to do what you got to do.

So, be selfish if it makes you happy (context and proportionality matter).

It has been a pretty mixed year. I want to say so much more but it's time to go. Because guess who's going to office on 1st? Thank God for having an office to go to. :)
If there's one thing I am certain about, it's to be more regular with my writing!


Happy New Year! :)
Good night! :)

Friday, December 8, 2017

Inspiration from aspiration!

I just wanted to note down how yesterday was so that I can look back when life looks shit.

So we had an informal meeting and it was so beautiful. Everyone discussed/asked unhesitatingly. Although, my sense of happiness arose more from the aspirations of these people. You know how I put myself down after hearing how well people did? This time the reverse happened. It seemed like people would help, that they are smart but very nice. I let myself dream a little higher. I let myself think of what I thought was unattainable. What I mocked my mom for thinking. Maybe it doesn't happen, but jus not even been a whole week and I already received my first gift of hope. With my return gift of hard work. The struggle with decisions changed into the need to make a coherent plan. :)

If you haven't already guessed it, I am surrounded by smart and nice people and I hope to be the same, if nothing else then just my association.

Good night. :)

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Zen Advice

Some Zen words before I retire for the night -

Happiness is mostly felt in the times we get to enjoy childhood luxuries again.
Time should be measured using personal goals as markers, not standard units.