Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Guess Who?

Guess who got their hair cut again?

Anyway I am still at the salon, waiting for Meenal and so hungry.
Let me talk for some time then.
The first is about how stupid I am, second one about stupidity in general and the third about well, the extremest from stupidity I  have ever  been.

1) Network  incident
So I am at work and I always thought the assistant there didn't like me. [Actually now that I think about it, it's not personal. It's just that she's familiar or something with other people or is just a little rude in general?]
So she is talking to this other new guy in her side of the office. I had seen the other guy but not wished him and that was already weighing down, cause that's how offices function.
Suddenly I hear '..badhana hi nai hai network, kuch karna nai hai..'
Any guesses what I did?
Yes! I took it personally! :D
I somehow connected my not greeting people to her comment - how I didn't want to increase my own network.
How I realized this? They started talking about phones and I wondered why they would want to change the topic so suddenly and then I figured it makes more sense in terms of mobile phone networks. :|

Second, there are TRAI recommendations on media ownership. Guess who wrote a long lengthy article calling it stupid? FirstPost. At least they'd have the sense to not do that. One of the recommendations was against corporate ownership. Guess who owns FirstPost.

And third, life became exciting today. I sat in on a meeting b/w my MP and a Harvard professor who is related to the J-Pal people! :O

I can't tell you how it felt. I would expand but sleep.
Cheers to short hair.


Monday, July 10, 2017

Posting as Khushboo

It's been a busy week. (Finally!)
A lot to talk about. A lot realized and seen. But let me just post as Khushboo (got this right on the second try - auto correct calls me Lisbon. Huh.)

I like my work (duh). But sometimes I feel that I am lagging behind. I will get there but. Tom Rosenthal is my new favorite. I can't yet sing along many of his songs but I love his voice.

Some mistakes you repeat a million times till you actually learn from them. I swear I want to type so much. But I should sleep. Weekend ends. Unprepared for Monday.

I always, always wished to be self contained but I wasn't really. Suddenly I see myself becoming that without actively hoping for it. Things come to you when it's time.

Also need to earn some money. Fast.

Night. :)

Sunday, June 18, 2017


So this dream was a little different because it followed a script sort of a thing - it felt like the story was pre-planned and we were all just acting it out.

I have forgotten the details but there was this villain and obviously his gang. I was with a family and in the end all of them were dead. It was a big family.

Then he hurts himself a lot with an iron rod.

Oh wait before that two of us escape. Non-family members. And there are 4 gang members. Yaa, so both of us non family members find two policemen. And we take them there and as we are taking them there, I remember the script saying they'll die. So I ask them to bring in some reinforcements. But they are adamant and over confident. We just shrug. At a little distance off, we find the gang members chilling with other people, not making any effort to run. And then I see the villain and my blood chills. Because he's hurting himself with the said rod and his intestines have started coming out - and all this because he couldn't catch us. He was punishing himself.

So again, going back, the reason why he was chasing us. We had given him some documents.

Anyway he spots us. And the next thing we know, he packs his dangling intestines and pursues us. On a bike. Like doesn't give up, not this guy. Apparently he can't even hold the bike handles because he's hurting. And all of this was a part of the script. We saw him in the exact corner we were supposed to.

He then reaches us and says in a quiet deadly tone to give the papers to him. So my friend goes to get the papers. It takes her a lot of time. He is getting impatient. Finally I leave the room to go see where she is. I find her fake stamping those papers! Idk we have fake government stamps. This time duping is about principles. We can't let a bully intimidate us this way. A gang member comes in, sees her stamping, doesn't realize. Gets a little puzzled but walks off.

He comes. Doesn't notice her. Talks to me. About what? I had left some papers in a folder we gave him. It had some accounts and maths and he was explaining why it was wrong. I understood it but kept talking about it to save my friend. I remember having this moment while keeping him engaged where I think oh even the script said to do this, why didn't​ I remember?

Did I mention all this is happening in my house? Like Bhaichand Bungalow house?
Then we all are sitting together as he inspects the documents. He finds a little fault with them. That is when the gang member speaks up and says ya I saw them stamping the papers. He goes wild!

We are caught surrounded by bad people we've double crossed and that's the last thing I remember.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Morning! :D

So, it's 5-16 A.M. and guess what I have been doing for the past 3ish hours.


I love love love love studying things which are not in my "syllabus". Like I swear that I have been so engaged with the content. I barely got distracted and I will not lie, I am finding it challenging. I even want to read the optional material and study the statistics portions. But there's just no time. I want to study everything again.

And got rejected again today. Or maybe yesterday. That is one thing that sucks. Not the mention the very unprofessional behaviour of some other institution that asked me to send in my CV and then vanished - no reply to phone calls or e-mails. Yes I admit it was my fault for sending in the CV a day later than promised. But the person in charge should have informed me.

Delhi feels cool about now. I hope the weather stays as nice today. My view is an empty compound lot filled with garbage. So much wow.

I think I shall retire now. Today was a successful, happy day. :')
Because cold coffee, ice cream, vada and calls and call backs and people I like and an AMAZING meditation session.

Should not let blessings go by! :)


Thursday, June 15, 2017


Just because I wanted to say word that was happy and cute. Can words be cute? Clearly, yes.

So, I read somewhere you should write down 10 ideas everyday. Yes, that's right, ideas. Apparently it helps that you allow your mind to think creatively for some time everyday. I tried doing that - but by the end of the day I am too sleepy usually and during the start of the day I am in a rush to start my day. Can't really be creative with a sword hanging over my head.

But the problem with me is reading just too many productivity hacks. More than I can possibly fit in a day. And in the end nothing changes. So rule 1 - take one hack at a time. Because all of them are "good" but none will take away the trade-off. You still have just 24 hours. You got to make sure they are more than just, well, 'just'.

I am kind of glad today. I re-discovered my dream job profile/dream job organization. Working in research with J-PAL. I remember thinking a long way back that I wanted it and today was ogling all about it. Their work gets me very excited. I have a better idea of the fields that interest me that much.

So, this song came on. It is so beautiful. I think about the voices that make me smile and be happy. It's a sad state that I don't devote more time to music when it makes me feel so.

Today I grappled a lot with jealousy. And I am trying hard to get to the root of it. It's​ this weird thing which I have seen in my relationships with people as well - to keep getting better. But well, sometimes, in a weird negative way because you're trying to touch some impossible parameters. I guess that's what sets me off the most - when some people get to touch all of the extremities and that too successfully. It is a feeling of defeat. And I need to change that perspective. My time is all I have.

Gratitude is a good soldier against jealousy. Gratitude and mindfulness and the realization that you can't spend your limited resources on someone else. The realization that it's the circumstances that differ a lot. Hustling is the only thing that can help you. Just that. I think it's also important to remember how far you have come along on your own journey. Can't belittle your own achievements because somebody else turned out to be smarter, faster and (at least from the outside) better at bloody everything else. I read somewhere today that sometimes you tend to attach to the sentiment that a life values more if it's ahead of you. But tell me why? And what is ahead? It's so easy for me to get lost in this maze.

Also a beautiful idea was (this one from The Financial Diet) is to do at least 4 things simulation that interest you. That way you don't attach your identity to that just one thing - mostly your work. Let the things you are passionate about define you. So, next time when someone asks you what you do? Let it be much more than your work.

Life is beautiful. It gives you things sometimes while it is taking away something else. Not always but yes.

Ah, time I became cryptic again for I can be more honest about my own shortcomings than about somebody else's alleged ones.

Let my actions take me towards my dreams.

Good night :)

Wednesday, June 14, 2017


Hi peeps.

Not like anybody cares but here's life.
Studying. Applying. Getting rejected. Feeling dejected. Spending 10-12 hours daily with 0 company.

Getting infected with dreams. Realize they're probably going to get crushed.

Questioning what I am doing. A lot. Can't give up.

To be honest, feeling pangs of jealousy. Trying to get to the root of them. Because you possibly can't do everything and if someone does something amazing, doesn't mean you're doing shit. Makes sense? O.o

I hope it all works out. I am going a little bit crazy.

And sometimes it's going to feel like everybody's gone and they probably have which is also good maybe?

Have you ever realized that you're doing the same thing that you thought sucked in somebody else?

It doesn't all sound very coherent.

The only time I am happy is when I am studying.


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Long story about a short adventure.

So I just came back to Delhi from a 3 day McLeodganj/Dharamshala/mainly Triund trek trip. You'd think you don't really need time with such small places but you couldn't be wrong-er about that.

We stayed at a place called Yellow Guest House. I mention this because the owner was really cute and helpful and the place is on the main road, right next to the taxi/auto stand and stuff. Apparently it's even cheap. I felt a little sorry for the man because the place is actually a downward staircase away from the main road and he'd stand on the main road to get business. Oh, we even just missed the Dalai Lama on the day we went. Apparently, he was giving a speech till 11:30 in the morning. I had cheese soup that day. I love cheese soup. Went down to the St John in the Wilderness Church - it was pretty cool. Apparently Lord Elgin was buried there which made me wonder if it was the same Elgin after which the Elgin Road in Kolkata was named. There was also this plaque in the church in memeory of someone who was attacked by a bear in between all the war plaques. And even the bell there has this whole story and there were all these graves outside the church. It actually is in the middle of wilderness. There was this water basin as well where you drop a coin and ask for wishes? Mine didn't fall in the centre of the basin. No wish fullfillment. Damn. Then we planned to go see Dal Lake. It's in a place where only private taxis would go. So, we hiked up there. And we had to cross this area which was fully surrounded by monkeys. It was weirrrd. Then finally we took this short cut where we were accompanied by an uncle and 3 children and a dog named Chin Chin for half the way after which we left them behind. We climbed and climbed and climbed and eventually reached... nope, not the lake but a boarding school. It was such a tresspasser-y feeling. Apparently the lake is just outside their school and we crossed the whole campus to get there.

Here comes the trekking day. Left early morning with two backpacks and two two litre bottles in hand. It seemed chill at first and I pretty much didn't sit down until half of it was done (it is important to note here that it was the easy half - I met people then who said that the actual trek was yet to start). And the weather thankfully was amazing! So cool. I remember turning around one corner and the scene was so dreamy! It was all foggy and there were mountain goats and other cattle just scampering about. And another moment where it got so foggy, it seemed a dead end had come because the road was just not visible. It was beautiful. Yes, the steep parts sucked the life out of me and there were a gazillion people over-taking me but I just kept at it. I completed that trek in about 4 hours and only when you complete the trek do you realize how rewarding the climbing is. (Well, you don't realize it immediately because well, fog). But it got really cold and I had to put on a sweater. After chilling for some time, I explored a little bit. Then Meenal came up and we set up the tent and stuff. Had Maggi and coffee. I couldn't even rest properly and so I just went out wandering again and just sat and sat at this isolated corner. There weren't many people around because I guess everybody was resting then. I also did find network for two seconds. Haha. I went to the extreme edge where the guest house was. Finally went back and she was up then and we went back the same way with some detours. The fog had cleared and those snow capped mountains were fully visible! It seemed funny to me to have missed it before! This time when we reached the edge, a sudden intense wind started blowing and then it started to rain. We ran under the roof of the guest house. The guest house people started dismantling the tent in their own coumpoud because of the bad weather! Suddenly it struck me and I asked the man in charge there whether our tent would be blown away by the heavy wind. And he said it was highly possible if no one was there inside it; it might have even been torn. He told us how just the day before 20-25 tents had been blown away along with people's belongings inside them. Later, even another guide told us that the weather had been horrible - they actually evacuated people at 4:30 A.M. in the morning. He offered to take us back to our tent. If it had blown away it would have been very problematic because we would have no shelter for the night. Crazyy!

It was so hard to walk back with so much wind resistance even when he was guiding us. We actually did get swayed because of the wind. I finaly reached the spot and though out tent hadn't been blown away, it had fallen down. Thankfully, because of the hooks, it had stayed on the ground. Co-incidentally the tent renter also came there at the same time. We all mutually decided that there was no point in setting the tent up again because the wind would just push it down anyway. So, we put some bricks on it to keep it in place and let it be. We then spent a lot of time behind a rock trying to get protection from the wind. But it was really cold and my tracks were stupid and thin. Eventually we decided to go sit in one of those shacks that sell food up there. It was surprisingly cozy! A lot of people were huddled up inside. Fortunately, the winds died down in a bit. The tent man came and relocated it to a place which would not face the wind directly. (Our earlier tent position was on the edge of the wind facing side of the mountain. How smart.). He then informed us that the conditions that day were much,, much better than the 20-25-tents-blowing-away day one. I wonder how people had survived that day. We saw a lot of people take leave - cancelling their overnight plans because of the fears of rain and ferocious winds at night. Also, we did see a tent and someone's sleeping bag cover fly away. At those wind speeds, even leaves hit like rocks on the face and tears streamed out of the eyes. Too muchh. Legs had become too numb and I walked around trying to get the blood flowing. There was light up until 7 7:30 in the evening. Again we retired to the tent for a short pause. When I next left the tent, the sky was clear and the stars were out and all seemed beautiful. The tent next door had made a bonfire and everyone was just generally chilling there. It was all good but after a point they had only wet sticks left which gave out more smoke than fire and the conversation got boring, so we went back to grab dinner to our own tent. The sky also had clouded up again and there were distant rumbles of thunder.

After eating next to nothing, we tucked ourselves in (obviously, the zip of my sleeping back got stuck and stupid-ish like 3 times in the night). Then I was up till 12 to wish Meenal a happy birthday but yes, she was already snoring. Thank God, she woke up at around 12 so that I could wish her the coldest birthday she'd ever had. With little else to do, we went back to sleep. So I had this weird dream at around 3:30 where I was giving an interview. I was talking about something something Economics something and the interviewee asked me if I knew that my tent was moving and I was like what does that have to do with anything. But I opened my eyes and the tent was actually shaking so very much. I kept observing it and worrying about it falling and finally woke up Meenal when it got too much. We adjusted ourselves to help sustain the tent and within a second she was snoring! I was left alone to worry about possible consequences of tent collapsing. Then I figured I got bored and slept off too. Again, I was up by 5:30ish to watch the sunrise but Meenal wouldn't accompany me until the sun had made everything warm outside. So, again, I sat and watched nothing while thinking nothing except about how much I was shivering. Then, I swear to God, we actually lay on a rock basking like lizards. Felt so good. Keeping quiet felt so good.

Climbing down was a mistake. I mean see there's this normal route and then a short cut route. The short cut route crosses a waterfall which we wanted to see anyway. The short cut route sucks! You don't see humans there, there are no signs and it is super steep! Also, we might have taken a wrong turn or two, because the waterfall was nowhere near. It sucked to the power of infinity.

So I ended up with a blood clotted big toe, rashes, resurgence of that idiotic ulcer, a severe-r cold than the one I had before the trek, really sore body, dust allergy on both hands and legs and a longing for mountain life and it was all, all totally 100% worth it.

I mean you had to be there to see those things, to feel the accomplishment of the climb, to eat hot Maggi, to talk to people, to open your tent and see livestock outside, to struggle against the wind. Maybe next time we'll go higher up! :D

Also, important lesson. Aae Tatti Tera Naam Kya Hai shirt is a very nice ice-breaker. Next time you find yourself in a possibly awkward situation, wear it!! Not kidding, 4 people complimented me on it. A girl literally faltered and slipped while seeing my t-shirt. Also had like 2-3 people reading it out loudly. Sigh.

Anyway, that's all for today, yay!
Shall attach some pictures soon.. :)