Monday, September 25, 2017


3 songs. 3 people.

One moved past with rememberance.
One awed.
One missed the comfort of.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Just Keep Swimming

So, all of my four friends have at some point or the other advised me to 'Just Keep Swimming' and I have personally felt that is one of the best pieces of advice I could ever get or receive. There is a lot of conflict in my head about who I am, what I want and where I am going. I realize that I have been looking for answers and they aren't ready to come to me and I have to step forward anyway. And there is so much that I forget along the way. So, I thought of writing down a few guidelines on how I want things to be:

  • Got to hustle to get anywhere.
  • Have the long term perspctive to see that life doesn't have to be a linear thing. It's okay to take a few detours.
  • There will be regrets but well if you don't act now, it will just add to a future big ball of regrets. Remember that these things are like monkey bars. You have to let go of the last one to move to the next one.
  • Talking about regrets, people also regret that they've worked too hard. I think that happens when you work for something or someone you don't believe in. Time is the most finite resource you have, watch how you invest it.
  • You could make efforts to curate your life perfectly but the passionate person you want to be? That comes from following the bread crumbs. Feel strongly about something? Great! Act on it now. That's how dreaming works - when you give yourself enough time to dream and follow the path that comes to you.
  • Don't sell yourself short. Next time something prevents you from doing what you want, ask yourself why. Is it because you think you'll never get it? Maybe you're righ, maybe you're not. Doesn't make sense to worry about what you don't know. Which brings me to..
  • Divide worries into i) things you can do something about, ii) things out of your control. Act accordingly. So much time is wasted on assumptions, worries and general randomness.
  • Being true to yourself is scary and intimidating but that's how you make things easier for you. Question the why behind things you want to do and settle only when you know you've reached the truth. Break things down. It's never about the extra freelance work or taking an art class. It's prioritizing between money and a hobby because again time won't permit you to do all.
  • You will want to learn a gazillion things. Write them down. But pick up just 2 - the ones that came to your mind first. Check once if anything else is more important to you. After you're done, just stick with those 2 only and proceed till you're down.
  • When confused, try answering the question of who you want to be rather than what do you want to do. I have a strong feeling that it helps shape your life decisions a lot. In fact, you guide your activities around that person.
  • I swear this was going to be on the top of list but I forgot. Like I always do. Cultivate relationships and make room for happiness from it. Make others happy and be kind. You're super replace-able at work and honestly there will always be someone better qualified to do what you're doing. But if there's one gift that's unique, it's the people and the love and the care. As I remember my friend pointing out to me the other day, creating happiness and being kind allows you to sleep at night. It soothed me instantly and made a lot of sense. It deserves more weightage than is given.
  • Identify your strengths and weaknesses. Build up on your strengths and work on your weaknesses.
  • Meditate 
Also, again, a shout out for all the people who are being with me through this figuring out stage. They make me feel scared. It's been a little more than a week since I left office. It has been an incredibly rewarding experience. Now, the transition phase to the next adventure. Kripya ji is just the sweetest. I got a party because he rememebered about it and he said he liked my being around and to come back to visit 4 times. I have geuinely loved some people over there. (Everybody in my life knows who those people are!)
Have to get used to this sadness of leaving teams, I guess.

Sunday, September 10, 2017


I had a pretty rough day and went to sleep at 4. And oh my God.

It starts with me and Nayantara (my boss). We are working together and I am sitting on her lap (?). Suddenly I lose control over my faculties. I can't see anything and when I try to speak it's an inebriated man's (woman's?) slur. My in dream conscious mind questions whether I smoked up that day. (The answer was no).
I slowly regained my abilities for a bit and I tried to explain to the whole team that something is wrong. Soon after, it happens again. I am very disoriented and everything is dark. I fumble to the switch board and nobody is helping me. Then L comments at me saying oh look she is going to switch on the light and sniggers. I finally hear the sound of a generator and realize there's no light. I stumbe back to the guys and keep having these attacks. I also remember thinking if I could just get out of the disoriented zone. If only. Through a lot of struggle and will power, I finally managed to say that I was in control, and I will get over it. It took me every ounce of will power and concentration that I had to say that one sentence. My conscious mind knew I had to void the blank spots and move towardsthe safe spots where there are tangible things but my mind would not listen.  Think I can't explain this well enough. This is something like knowing you have a nightmare and then your mind signals you to "wake up" to make it okay.
Slowly it turned out that Nayantara wanted me lost. She wanted me to get a bipolar disorder or demonstrate that I had one. She was creating triggers.
So I turned to Meenal for help. I called her, I dragged her by the hand. Every time I could hear her and feel her but I knew it wasn't her. Nayantara had managed to re-create a fake sensation thing. And that fake thing was fake reassuring me that she is coming and not to worry and be okay.
That's when I fully freaked out. I started running and she was rubbing behind me with steely determination. Aanchal walked in to tackle Nanayantara. But she hadn't even reached her yet and N kept pursuing me and I tried reaching Meenal with all that I had. Desperately trying to retain my sanity.
Fighting off the fog.
Also I had a lot of false alarms in the Dreams where I felt I was out of the weird area but when I reached what I thought was the safe area mentally, that wasn't it. I was not reaching the right place at all.
I think she was succeeding as well because I saw someone whom I felt was a mental health professional.
Finally, this ended with me reaching "lucidity" by actually, really waking up - my desired level of consciousness.

And that is how I woke up at 4-15 and tried to wake up my sister as well but she just grunted back.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Some Days.

Some days you don't worry about the mundane. Your hair looks scraggly but you whip your head purposely to feel movie-like. Those days you miss the baby monkeys that you always see stuck to their mommies bodies. Damn cute. Days you almost hit a car for looking at texts. Days you look up at the sky and walk. And then you discover a new bird (it's true). Job hunting doesn't seem so hard. And Chris Martin just knows want you want and sings it to you.

I like those days. I wish they stayed whole days.

I miss you, writing. :')

In a sense I am a little caught and am not even putting up enough fight.

Haha. Bye.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

From Office. Again? No?

For this small stretch of today, I have literally no work. Thought of writing down things as I often think of doing.

Been pretty sick lately. But anyway, the point is today is some event thing and I am coughing so much I am sure they'll be like 'You, yes you in green shirt, get out of the frame.'


No, that didn't happen either. I ended up transcribing the entire event with Lalits, my new friend. People are still great. Still smart. I obviously started having some issues but after having a talk with my friend today I realized that it probably isn't the other persons fault. Except well, they are annoying. But I am happy my today's conversation cleared my head. I have also started falling in love with law a little bit. It's crazy interesting. And like I have long held before, to be truly educated, you need to study EVERYTHING. I am a crazy psycho education person. Yay! [No, like literally, I am right now recruiting people to study something online with me so that we can discuss the subject matter amongst ourselves!]

House of Cards is good and holding my attention for now. I miss my writing and meditation because I always want to sleep more in the mornings! I am not applying as much as I should to other places. Have to get my game strong.

You know what else my office did? Because it was a women strong office, with like 1 male, it helped me feel more secure in including 'feminist' in my identity. I always was one, but it reduced the psycho associated connotations to it. I mean, chuck. Let's just keep it as secure.

Delhi is the policy place, though. This office has taught me quite a lot. Sir still doesn't recognize me or thinks I am pretty much useless but I have realized my capacity to work a lot. It does come naturally to me. I thought it came to other people too, but maybe not.

Today is Michhami Dukkadam day. God, how much I have missed my writing/typing. Just randomly, it took me a lot of time to get over the sickness. We shifted homes and I have a new room all to myself. I never had a room all to myself before!

More and more people are getting placed. Some people I am falling in touch with. Others are moving abroad. Even juniors. Lawyers and dentists are getting made. LinkedIn is becoming my new stalking tool. People are having children. It feels like adulting suddenly. It's a good exercise to remember that we're all starting out and most of us are yet to feel the changing cycles of fortune. So, any comparison now or ever, is useless. Like.. I hope I could say what I was getting at.

I am completing my course this weekend! Yay to that. I hope I remember what I have learned.

Like I spent 2 hours with my colleagues ranting about it and then called my friend up because I was not done venting. Pity she didn't receive my call. She was pretty disgusted by it too and told me so at night. I am worried about the actual physical safety of someone I know. It's crazy and weird and just a difficult place.

I think I am done. Ting! :)

Saturday, August 26, 2017

First line of this post

 Have been doing such a bad job of maintaining my own blog!

I have been wanting to talk about work, and people, and generally sucking a bit at life, then on my parents anniversary and then Chester. And now Lipstick Under My Burkha.

I will be trying to fill in. So, work is good and I actually enjoy doing it but I have a lot of catching up to do in a sense. Because I don't know a lot of things. But that's the point of this, so well, yes. People are damn sweet. There was a point a week back where there was this long piece on


Post which I got work and don't remember anything anymore.
Drafted somewhere around July 19.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Guess Who?

Guess who got their hair cut again?

Anyway I am still at the salon, waiting for Meenal and so hungry.
Let me talk for some time then.
The first is about how stupid I am, second one about stupidity in general and the third about well, the extremest from stupidity I  have ever  been.

1) Network  incident
So I am at work and I always thought the assistant there didn't like me. [Actually now that I think about it, it's not personal. It's just that she's familiar or something with other people or is just a little rude in general?]
So she is talking to this other new guy in her side of the office. I had seen the other guy but not wished him and that was already weighing down, cause that's how offices function.
Suddenly I hear '..badhana hi nai hai network, kuch karna nai hai..'
Any guesses what I did?
Yes! I took it personally! :D
I somehow connected my not greeting people to her comment - how I didn't want to increase my own network.
How I realized this? They started talking about phones and I wondered why they would want to change the topic so suddenly and then I figured it makes more sense in terms of mobile phone networks. :|

Second, there are TRAI recommendations on media ownership. Guess who wrote a long lengthy article calling it stupid? FirstPost. At least they'd have the sense to not do that. One of the recommendations was against corporate ownership. Guess who owns FirstPost.

And third, life became exciting today. I sat in on a meeting b/w my MP and a Harvard professor who is related to the J-Pal people! :O

I can't tell you how it felt. I would expand but sleep.
Cheers to short hair.