Monday, October 16, 2017

This poem is not pretty

This poem is not pretty
If it looks anything like the inside of my mind right now
This poem is not pretty
If it looks like my hair getting tangled in the wind

I am in a car with windows rolled down
What else do you need to dissect your life?
I see the poisonous particles in the air that I inhale
Each particle expands into a thought
Jumbling and running into one another
The pendulum starts swinging
And everything is set into motion

Does everyone have 2 people inside them?
Is everybody secretly a Gemini?
And could one part want something diametrically opposite to the other?
And if they told their stories together
You wouldn't believe they coexist.
They themselves don't.
(Perhaps their stories are exactly why they co-exist.
Ignore him, he's my second half)
They debate, they talk
Sometimes one wins with a clear shot
Other times their amorphous forms merge
To become a third person of their own accord
Without you even really noticing

All of 22
And I have already started seeing the coming about of what had gone around
The wilful and bitter sweet friendship of goodness with time - 'the good times';
The fact that you can't perpetuate that for someone -
Take that away from someone
Sometimes your love isn't going to be enough to save someone
Your hate so feeble it won't even singe
I think that's why we have candles on cakes
Wishes on lashes
And fairy tales

I think of the younger one
How she has dreams and aspirations for herself
How with her entirely different journey
She will still end up thinking the same.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Free Will

I think one of the most irritating things we face in this life is the gift of free will that other people have. Actually, no. I think we collectively get annoyed because somebody else's free will doesn't align with what we want.
It's stupid how much weightage we can give to stupid problems and how they just increase if we don't grieve properly. And even if you do, you still don't stop feeling it. It just gnaws and you keep rebuilding with one eye concentrating on it not eating you whole.
What can I say?

Let me stop throwing tantrums or at least throw tantrums for something that makes more sense. I am kind of miserable and sad and upset that everyone's gone. Because I was having quite a ball. And for the first time probably, every one involved was unemployed. Not that everything was makkhan smooth. (Got to love makkhan though). But it's okay. Lazying around is also wondrous almost all of the time. Oh for people who don't know and are still reading this random rambling, this includes Deepak, Meenal, Navjot and Samanber. Peeps, peeps.

I fell in love with the actor Siddharth. Yay. He's cool. And I did something stupid as well. Huh.

Anyway it's 4:40 and I am still pissed but I need to sleep. Good night. :)

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Because I am not getting sleep anytime soon and don't know what to do!

Umm, started disliking phones again. So disturbing and annoying.
Today was a long day.
I want to write poetry again.

Kho gaye hum kahan?
Rang saare jahan.
Kho gaye hum kahan?
Rang saare jahan.
Tedhe medhe raaste hai
Jaaduin imaarte hai

It's a nice song.
Things get so complicated no sometimes. Some things are so important like the cliched bitter medicine for good stuff.
People died in the Elphinstone stampede today, in other non-senti news. Sounds so surreal to me.
There is a lot of daily wastage of energy for shitty things. I think Buddhism helps to overcome that a little bit.

Okay I will go now!
Chill for a while.
Bye. :')

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Dear Papa

Yes, I will be talking to you separately but how could I not remember you at the place I love the most, my place?
I miss you.
I can't remember like I did yesterday and my belief system isn't as strong as it was the day before but I am still walking ahead.
But I realized that I had forgotten what was important, what all you'd told me. Thank you for reminding me.

I wil always love you.


Monday, September 25, 2017


3 songs. 3 people.

One moved past with rememberance.
One awed.
One missed the comfort of.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Just Keep Swimming

So, all of my four friends have at some point or the other advised me to 'Just Keep Swimming' and I have personally felt that is one of the best pieces of advice I could ever get or receive. There is a lot of conflict in my head about who I am, what I want and where I am going. I realize that I have been looking for answers and they aren't ready to come to me and I have to step forward anyway. And there is so much that I forget along the way. So, I thought of writing down a few guidelines on how I want things to be:

  • Got to hustle to get anywhere.
  • Have the long term perspctive to see that life doesn't have to be a linear thing. It's okay to take a few detours.
  • There will be regrets but well if you don't act now, it will just add to a future big ball of regrets. Remember that these things are like monkey bars. You have to let go of the last one to move to the next one.
  • Talking about regrets, people also regret that they've worked too hard. I think that happens when you work for something or someone you don't believe in. Time is the most finite resource you have, watch how you invest it.
  • You could make efforts to curate your life perfectly but the passionate person you want to be? That comes from following the bread crumbs. Feel strongly about something? Great! Act on it now. That's how dreaming works - when you give yourself enough time to dream and follow the path that comes to you.
  • Don't sell yourself short. Next time something prevents you from doing what you want, ask yourself why. Is it because you think you'll never get it? Maybe you're righ, maybe you're not. Doesn't make sense to worry about what you don't know. Which brings me to..
  • Divide worries into i) things you can do something about, ii) things out of your control. Act accordingly. So much time is wasted on assumptions, worries and general randomness.
  • Being true to yourself is scary and intimidating but that's how you make things easier for you. Question the why behind things you want to do and settle only when you know you've reached the truth. Break things down. It's never about the extra freelance work or taking an art class. It's prioritizing between money and a hobby because again time won't permit you to do all.
  • You will want to learn a gazillion things. Write them down. But pick up just 2 - the ones that came to your mind first. Check once if anything else is more important to you. After you're done, just stick with those 2 only and proceed till you're down.
  • When confused, try answering the question of who you want to be rather than what do you want to do. I have a strong feeling that it helps shape your life decisions a lot. In fact, you guide your activities around that person.
  • I swear this was going to be on the top of list but I forgot. Like I always do. Cultivate relationships and make room for happiness from it. Make others happy and be kind. You're super replace-able at work and honestly there will always be someone better qualified to do what you're doing. But if there's one gift that's unique, it's the people and the love and the care. As I remember my friend pointing out to me the other day, creating happiness and being kind allows you to sleep at night. It soothed me instantly and made a lot of sense. It deserves more weightage than is given.
  • Identify your strengths and weaknesses. Build up on your strengths and work on your weaknesses.
  • Meditate 
Also, again, a shout out for all the people who are being with me through this figuring out stage. They make me feel scared. It's been a little more than a week since I left office. It has been an incredibly rewarding experience. Now, the transition phase to the next adventure. Kripya ji is just the sweetest. I got a party because he rememebered about it and he said he liked my being around and to come back to visit 4 times. I have geuinely loved some people over there. (Everybody in my life knows who those people are!)
Have to get used to this sadness of leaving teams, I guess.

Sunday, September 10, 2017


I had a pretty rough day and went to sleep at 4. And oh my God.

It starts with me and Nayantara (my boss). We are working together and I am sitting on her lap (?). Suddenly I lose control over my faculties. I can't see anything and when I try to speak it's an inebriated man's (woman's?) slur. My in dream conscious mind questions whether I smoked up that day. (The answer was no).
I slowly regained my abilities for a bit and I tried to explain to the whole team that something is wrong. Soon after, it happens again. I am very disoriented and everything is dark. I fumble to the switch board and nobody is helping me. Then L comments at me saying oh look she is going to switch on the light and sniggers. I finally hear the sound of a generator and realize there's no light. I stumble back to the guys and keep having these attacks. I also remember thinking if I could just get out of the disoriented zone. If only. Through a lot of struggle and will power, I finally managed to say that I was in control, and I will get over it. It took me every ounce of will power and concentration that I had to say that one sentence. My conscious mind knew I had to avoid the blank spots and move towards the safe spots where there are tangible things but my mind would not listen.  Think I can't explain this well enough. This is something like knowing you have a nightmare and then your mind signals you to "wake up" to make it okay.
Slowly it turned out that Nayantara wanted me lost. She wanted me to get a bipolar disorder or demonstrate that I had one. She was creating triggers.
So I turned to Meenal for help. I called her, I dragged her by the hand. Every time I could hear her and feel her but I knew it wasn't her. Nayantara had managed to re-create a fake sensation thing. And that fake thing was fake reassuring me that she is coming and not to worry and be okay.
That's when I fully freaked out. I started running and she was running behind me with steely determination. Aanchal walked in to tackle Nanayantara. But she hadn't even reached her yet and N kept pursuing me and I tried reaching Meenal with all that I had. Desperately trying to retain my sanity.
Fighting off the fog.
Also I had a lot of false alarms in the Dreams where I felt I was out of the weird area but when I reached what I thought was the safe area mentally, that wasn't it. I was not reaching the right place at all.
I think she was succeeding as well because I saw someone whom I felt was a mental health professional.
Finally, this ended with me reaching "lucidity" by actually, really waking up - my desired level of consciousness.

And that is how I woke up at 4-15 and tried to wake up my sister as well but she just grunted back.