Monday, December 29, 2014

Picture :)

My rendition versus the original!
It does not hold a candle to the original. I drew her because of the eyes and then the eyes came out not nice. :/ :P
But still! :)

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Terribly Tiny Tale.

She wondered which was worse. The physical shackles that held the flesh of the prisoners or the invisible ones that held her spirit. At least they knew when their salvation would come.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

These probably hurt such a lot. :(

Crippling fear. Helpless in the face of impeding danger.

Chasing after something knowing all the while that it is not yours, not your life. Thinking about it all the time.

Resigning yourself to the thoughtlessness. To the everyday. Knowing you don't want it, but accepting it all the same.

Blind hope. Whiling away lifetimes, waiting and considering. Wishfully willing for a better tomorrow. Smiling but the corners of those eyes never crinkling.

Rotting away inside. Maybe even in the midst of plush spotless white cushions. Thousands of eyes. All watching. Waiting. Not even a pair noticing.

Surrounded by a sea of people. Laughing, talking and making merry. Spending the days talking. Itching, dying, to have a conversation.

Waiting. Waiting to break free. Tethered by invisible chains, them holding you back from the life you want to lead.

Sunday, December 14, 2014


Today is one of those days I feel so lost.
Nobody has to say anything or do anything to take me there.

They say it is good getting lost in the direction. Its the journey thing.
But I don't know the direction. I don't know where I am headed. I don't what I want to do.

I am crazy. But I know I am strong. I have not yet been driven to the wall.

They say maybe it's you - you don't know how to be happy.
But I was happy this morning. I was playing. Having ghee and ice cream.

They say open up. But how do you explain?
Its just a wave I ride along. It is indescribable.
Right now, I was telling my own friend that all people need is a ear. I have a ear, but I don't know what to say.

Monday, December 8, 2014

She and He.

She was his childhood, his running away from home and school
She was the punishments, being chided for work done and undone
She was the sunshine
She was the 'important' secrets
She was the smile that crept up
She was the sound of the mismatched bangles she liked to wear
She was the innocence many had long forgotten
She was the honesty that shone through
She was the kindness that gave in the blink of an eye
She was the anger that thawed quickly and would never mind
She was not a breath of fresh air, no,
She was a whole new world where he wanted to do everything right
She was the thought that reminded him he was only human
Human, with the entirety of his might.

She was the simplicity which had remained untarnished in this black hole
She was the hope with which she spoke of a better tomorrow, as though unaware
She was the laughter that burst out when it was uncalled for
She was the quiet tears he rarely shed
She was the goodness he felt the need to protect
She was a reminder of the people waiting back home
She was the courage to stand out
She was the mischievous grin before the tickling matches
She was the getting angry before all hell broke lose
She was the sleepy nights spent dreaming
She was not a breath of fresh air, no,
She was a hurricane, a revolution,
She was his childhood twice.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Inside Weirded Out Minds :)

She did not understand humans.
She did not understand their cruelty, how they could cause so much pain to each other, how they did not realize the consequences their actions had.
She did not understand what was the need to tell someone or much worse joke about how "bad" they looked, how "unfashionable" they seemed, how they did not have the correct posture and why people didn't feel comfortable living just within their means.
She did not understand power or its necessity.
She did not understand inequality and poverty.
She did not see reason.
She couldn't fathom.
Sometimes, it partly seemed like her own fault.

She had seen love everywhere around her.
She thought it was so beautiful.
But when she really began to see
She saw it offered no respite too.
It was too much power to give to a person
Too much damage if it was broken.

She believed in empathy.
She knew it was true that you could never know a person
If you didn't put on his shoes
But when she put them on, what did she find?
There was too much pain. Too much struggle.
It could make a person blind.
But worst of all was yet to come
For when she cried that the laces were too tight
She found that others had already run.

She closed her eyes and saw this beautiful world
Where people thought twice and were not concerned
About their hair, their eyes, their status - they had no woes
Each had enough
No one grabbed more
She opened her eyes and what did she see?
That she had dreaming for too long
Whatever little precious she had was also gone.

She saw this everyday.
She broke down many days.
She marvelled at all of this.
How there were two sides to everything but one side did not really exist.
Power had no concern.
Loved did not want to love.
Listeners were not listened to.
Broken sometimes preferred to remain forever hurt.

She marvelled at how resilient man was.
How he had adapted and what he had become
To defend himself, to get ahead, in this relentless world
Nay, the world could not be really blamed
For it is just you and me
Who have changed it all, sucked it out
Taken and snatched, left a deep bleeding gash
We became so hollow
From this much sorrow
We ceased to see anything but misery.

She was perplexed and so lost
Everything she loved seemed to have gone
But she still pursued it in full speed.
She had pledged long long ago to hurt no one
And always kept that at the back of her mind.

She stood up.
She fought.
She tried so hard to make it worthwhile
To turn every frown into a smile.
She is still looking
She is still searching
That is the only path she knows -
Fighting the good fight
But there is no end in sight.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Today And That Day!

It was the 25th. I don't know why I have this obsession where everything needs to be recorded with its correct date. I went for a walk all alone. I kept walking forward and forward and forward for more than an hour I think. And it was wonderful. Being alone is rejuvenating and relaxing. Specially the area I went to. Just enough crowd to make it seem safe but not suffocating. Just enough light to see but not to dazzle you. All of this with greenery and a hand-pump by the side of the road. But most importantly, I met this wonderful dog. His dog walker was just sitting lazily. At that moment, I don't know why, I just NEEDED to pat that dog. And he came and sniffed around me first. I would keep my hand just within his reach then pull out. He kept jumping until finally he climbed on me. He climbed thrice, I think. It was just the cutest thing. Ultimately, there was a time where I held him by his front paws. Oh, a dog's love. Never asking for anything. Always ready to listen. To cuddle and nuzzle and make it all go away. It's just beautiful and precious. I will definitely have one of my own one day! :)

And why is today important? Because I saw a few sad things. The thing is more I see it around me, the more I read about it, the more I refuse to accept it. So anti unhappiness that my status actually is 'sunshine, daisies, butter mellow' - yes actually has sunshine written on it. I sat and wondered what could make a person say that they were cold and no amount of sunshine could change that. And I looked within me. Looked and looked and looked. And for the first time in a lot of time, I did not find any demons that would make me say that. No demons! :)

I understand when people hurt themselves, I do, As in, its more difficult to change a person's mind. But being miserable because of how someone else treats you? I think we all have enough power to change that. In the end, they are just that - other people. Actually.. as I always like to say, it all boils down to choices. Choosing yourself and your sanity or choosing other people and being miserable (in this case). People, in most circumstances, can choose. The choice in itself is so hard that it honestly can't even be called a choice, be considered as an option. For most of us, its more like nothingness. More on that later. :)

Special Mention - 29th November. I was jumpy the WHOLE day and I am not exaggerating when I say I single-handedly brought up the energy level of our small group. I did it. I made two other people sing continuously, just like I do. People were actually convinced I had fallen in love because I was so happy. Just goes to show how you do not need only that kind of love to make you happy. :P
But the cutest was when my sister called me a happy birdie. Sounds so pretty. I wonder if I come across as a kid to people. I don't know. I am happy if I do!

Good Night :)

PS - Typing things here seems like speaking out into the void where no one can hear me. So, I guess it is not a big deal that this is getting sem-personal. I should probably use my journal more often because writing is good. Helps to think better. Like reading. Oh, I need to read more. Its one of my constant worries that I don't read enough.
Okay, good night! :)

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Of Rainbows :)

There are these black clouds. Heavy, threatening and very scary. When these become big enough, when they cannot carry their burden anymore, they unleash their fury. There is a storm. It is just the worst.

But the thing is you've got to wait for the rainbow. You would still smile at it no matter what. Rainbows mean calm.

So, that is the thing.

You have to keep at it.

You need to wait for the rainbow. After every single storm. It would be brighter than you would remember. But most importantly, it would give sense to things - especially to the ruins left behind. And you will know. And rebuild. Push away the destruction to make way for new.

All you need to do is wait. *heart*

Sunday, November 9, 2014

On Being Cynical

Its like people go through a lot of stuff I know. Sad, depressing things. Which God alone knows requires how much strength.
But you know what? There is so much beauty in innocence and hope.
On some levels perhaps its very wrong for me to say this. Mostly when I think of how being innocent could possibly lead you into more trouble. What with people taking advantage and all.
But the whole concept of still being the same, of not becoming bitter, in spite of all that you go through seems so precious to me.
I myself haven't gone through all that much to make such statements, but let's just say I admire it. :)

Thus, I try not to be a cynic. When I see or hear whatever is wrong with the world - and there is no dearth about these matters, I still believe it will be okay. Whenever someone tells me that a line of study should not be pursued because there is no money at the end of it, I still believe people should realize what they love and what they are good at, and just do it. At least you die trying. All this while I have this prickling thought at the back of my head. How I have it all so easy. I am studying something that is socially acceptable. I never had to battle anyone for it. Or about how my city is a home where crime does not rear its ugly head that often. How I am so lucky to have it all. To be in the Light. And how whatever I am saying would just roll off the back of a person who has seen just darkness.
I cannot fathom why some people lose every shred of humanity that they have (I hope they find their peace some day) and yet I want to believe, I still look at the people waging the good war, giving it their all. HONY helps me believe. :)
I remember the goodness of trees, the fragrance of flowers, the beauty of falling leaves and pink buds on trees, the deep desire to catch butterflies and the coolness of the grass and I know I don't want to lose this. I wished there was no child growing up believing otherwise.

Simply put -
It's a beautiful world and I refuse to be cynical. (Probably because I can afford to)
People may hurt and may disappoint but the world still seeks your goodness.
And one day, there will be no such word as naive, vulnerable or over idealistic to describe people like me.

All of this sounds very conflicted. Some things I hear about the ground realities shake me. But until one can, one should keep an open heart, an able one that can love. :)

PS - Ya, its not very well written and I have jumped around a lot and have been so unclear! :P

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

This is important!

You. Yes, you.

I don't know who you are or what you are going through.
But please don't lose your strength.
You can fight it back.
I know you can. You are still standing. You survived yesterday. And the day before.
Probably you have nobody who listens. But if there is somebody, anybody who understands. Please talk to them. Please do. People sometimes love you more than you give them credit for.
Get up. Battle it.
Because I am on your side.
I can't promise that I can always help but I will listen.
I will try.
I am truly sorry that you had it this hard but don't beat yourself up.
Sometimes that's just the way things are.
One day you won't feel this way.
One day you will be able to put it behind you.
One day there will be just the scars.
And you will be proud.
You will know you gave it your all.
You are supremely important.
Please never ever ever think otherwise.
You are beautiful through and through.
And I feel for you.
I do not say these things lightly.
Probably I can not even begin to understand the magnitude of what you are going through.
Have the courage.
Remember there is so so so much love for you in this world.
It may not seem like it right now but there is.
In the end they will not matter when you see how far you have come.
You have to get up so you can make others stand on their feet too.
Just think how much amazing that would be :)

I felt it really important to tell you this today.
I am there for you.
And here is a warm hug for you. *tight hug*
Never feel alone.
I know that it sucks so bad.
I won't lie. I don't pray much but whenever I do, I will try and remember you.
I hoped this helped.

Please be okay.
I hope really really hard that you make your peace.
It's you.
Amazing, beautiful you.
Important you.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Already late!

So one of the main reasons for starting this blog was to improve myself, and I was going to start with punctuality. And also, brushing at night! Wanted to start from 1st July - you know, a new month and all. But its already 2nd. The irony.
I am going to try and avoid making this into a personal journal or something. Already do that a lot. I am going to be happy here. Make this my happy place. Also, this way, the blog can remain public. Which is kind of the purpose of a blog, right? And unlike my previous few attempts, I am going to be dedicated and all this time. I have lots to say. And oh, I really need to talk to people. I will post some of my journal entries here though. Some good neutral things.

Wow, talking is really my thing. And typing out/talking what I am thinking makes my head clearer. So, tomorrow I am going to get up and finish a lot of Mathematical Economics with a test due on a Thursday. Oh have to do my edX thing. Got to finish my assignment by Wednesday 5:00 a.m. I like it this way. When I am busy I mean. So much to do!
Okay fine. Knowing as I am, I know most definitely I cannot keep this thing non-personal. Not now. When I need to talk (talk a lot) and blogging gives me the feeling of talking to someone out there, you know?
But family and friends and people from school all knowing everything about you would be so awkward. But you know what? People are shitty listeners anyway. I know I am generalizing but its the truth. Most cannot listen. But I think I am a pretty good listener. Ya. Tooting my own horn but haha, yaa!
So, tomorrow, complete the edX assignments. Go on to finish Unit 1 and start with Differential and Difference Equations. I am never going to finish, am I? Ohh ohh. *sad*
And also, strike 1 for today. Could not be punctual. :(
And will brush tonight.
Good Night! :)

PS - I started off with good intentions and now I am wondering how on Earth am I going to keep this non-personal! :/ We will see though! Keep you private for now maybe? I don't know!