Wednesday, December 30, 2015

All The Love That I Need! :)

So, what do I want with my life?

I keep asking this question to myself a lot and I never had an answer till today. I mean, it never struck as a whole together.

I want to be as happy and wonderfully content as I was/am yesterday and today combined. I have beautiful, beautiful people all around me - people who love me so much that it just shows without even trying. So you see I was always afraid of my faults but they have stood by me anyway. Even with my ‘perpetual cry face’. I have all the love I need. Life seemed simple – I was in that moment and I was smiling and laughing and sad because I knew that this part of my life was coming to an end.

Then, I completely let go. Okay, wait let me rewind. There I was in my bed faking studying. And my group message comes to life. There I see people as worried as I was about the future, about us. I could not stop myself from asking them to not leave. Three of us, stupid and singing and reassuring each other, wanting for it to last forever. There I found my happiness. Started talking to a childhood friend and there had been so much both of us were going through but never told each other. Realizing that we supported each other, there I found my happiness. My mother worrying about me staying up late into the night, and hugging me just because, there I found my happiness. My brother annoying me with all his lame you’re-so-stupid jokes, there I found my happiness. All of us people sharing our pictures and all of our love, there I found my happiness. Oh and when my grandmother asks me to not eat puchka paani for my bad throat, that’s happiness. And when faiba asks me if I want to have masala mudi every day that I am here, that’s happiness.  Today, I had my favouritest thing in the world for breakfast, with the people who have always looked out for me and with whom I could have always been with, (and yes, everyone knows what’s coming) that’s happiness. Sometimes, it is in the form of my super annoying sister who will never, ever, ever bother giving me a straight reply.  All of these people,  they were the same people I had been with everyday, and then I thought to myself how crazy I was to think that I was completely alone! Truly, I did have all the love I could possibly need. People who’d go out of the way if the need be. This love? It does nothing but make you strong. Invincible. [Maybe even mad, I was so happy that I wouldn’t have minded hugging Meenal. And let me tell you we never do that. Its ewwwwww. So much ewww. I think I will just take that back. I can't do that under any circumstances.]

So this coming year, I am going to focus on my light. Ask for help if I need it and learn to accept it. I will be truer and kinder. It would be so wonderful if everyone found that strength within themselves just because somebody else was a little bit kinder. Life is simple when you think along the terms of ‘Love the people who treat you right and pray for those who don’t’. I guess I am definitely failing my papers but ending my year like this is priceless. I fear the future a lot because I don’t know where I am going or where I am doing. This year will bring new people and new places and a whole lot of work with it. But if these people are there, I have better trust that it will be okay. It is not just about protecting your light actually; it is about trusting it and harnessing it and channeling it into something beautiful. I think it ultimately leads you into being fearless, into moulding you into who you really want to be. It makes it easier for you to embrace yourself when you find it hard. Likewise, imagine the power you have to be a part of someone else’s light. Learn more about the people you care about and make sure they never give up. Care for others just because [unless of course they are one of those backstabbing, stupid, just-using-you bitches]. Maybe it is hard to find any kind of hope but try and try. Don’t turn a blind eye to the rope that is trying to pull you out. Have trust. Learn a little bit from everyone’s beauty and don’t just stop at admiring. Imbibe it. Try to find out why you and how you are limiting yourself and dedicate this year to getting past that. You’ll get there! We born and then we die and even though the period in between is mostly not knowing what the hell is happening, that period of confusion could be enjoyed so much and so thoroughly. And it would mostly be due to the people you have been blessed it. I just have one qualm though. I do wish we could bottle up such days and nights and keep them and consume them when necessary.  But I guess that’s not really living maybe.

Anyway, 2015. If I had to define it in one word, it would be ‘persistent’. 10 million times I gave up but I didn’t. I don’t know if it is wrong to be proud about that but I do know it would not have been possible without these happy pills.

So, again what do I want to be in life? Happy. What do I want from life? Happiness. Everything else is very, very secondary.

Also, a random bit from berlin artparasites about bringing in the new year –
“Don’t define yourself by everything that you regret doing in 2015. You still carry the regrets from the previous years, it’s enough. It’s enough. Start changing from now on. Define yourself by your favourite book, your favourite song, how much your mom loves you, how much your dad looks out for you, how much your sister looks up to you, how much your partner supports you, how much you love pizza, or ice-cream or whatever that makes you happy.”
Source - http://www.artparasites.com/how-to-carry-yourself-gracefully-and-realistically-into-a-new-year/

Yes, I know you’re looking out for me. Or am I just that smart that I figured everything out on my own? ;) Haha no, I know you are looking out for all of us. :)

Also, some lines by Aanchal Arora because I liked them even though I don’t love shoes that much –
“Real happiness is laughter and warmth. It is kindness and love. A pair of shoes is happiness for an hour, these things – a lifetime.”

Yeah, I know if you’d read this before you wouldn’t have to read the whole damn thing.

Haha, anyway, Happy New Year people. Sending a lot of good feels to everyone! :)

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Looking Back!

So this is as my sister calls it - the awkward period between Christmas and New Year. [Merry Christmas, people!]
This  calls for the clich├ęd looking back at the year shit. I could have done this more properly if I could possibly remember a whole year at a go. The first part of 2015 is a blur. Ummm, I had exams during my birthday. But I had the amazeballs cheese butter dosa. Haha yaaa. Shristi accompanied me! That's January. :P
February was Tanya coming down. It was this year or last? Memory fails me. Oh wait, it was this year. Celebrated Valentine's with my girls. Got flowers for everyone.
I even had observed the Hundred Days of Happiness challenge. Really good thing that I did and should probably do it again.
Made really beautiful cards. Yes, they were so good that I can shamlessly boast about it. A comic book for my sister. Made a resolution to make a card for everyone. Broke that resolution. Made dad's birthday card and a mother's day card as well.
Ohhh yaaa, Bhavik bhai got married this year. I got to dance to a Deepika Padukone song. Not just any song but my favourite Deepika song. Deepika came out about her depression this year and opened her own foundation to help people with it.
All my relatives had come down in July celebrate mom and dad's 25th (a fake 25th because that is going to happen next year) but it was a lovely surprise nonetheless.
Discovered Lily Singh's blog. Discovered Martin Garrix was just 19! Didn't find my calling in life. Got more attracted to music. Reached my lowest point. Lowest of the low which seemed like a point of no return. Randomly bursting into tears and crap. Tried to get rid of old friendships. Didn't happen. Made new friends. Visited a counsellor for the first time ever. Lost my dad. Lost someone that close to me for the first time. Now let me take a moment to tell you that death has been my worst fear since I was a kid. I used to day dream about it and cry. But I survived it. Don't think I could go through another such shinding. Yeah, wrong word. Formulated my own theories about life. Still learning to make my own decisions. Realized everything is not as perfect as it seemed. Was envious of perfection anyway. Changed my accomodation. Twice. Got really sick of stalkerish men. Learnt marriage/children mean squat when I came across three icky married men. Got obsessed with being alone. And then not wanting to be alone. Co-made Aanchal's birthday card. Went for Afrojack. First such concert. First time to Nicco Park. First big open confrontation thing. Realized everyone, literally everyone I knew has dated at least once. Fell in love with Calvin Harris. Chris and Gwyneth split. Reached so many views. Had people come up to me and say how they liked my writing or were affected by it. I can't tell you how freaking happy I feel about that! Its one of the most amazing feelings! Learnt so so much from my friends. Went for laser tag for the first time. First time to Fire and Ice and One Step Up. Had people liking me! Ran to and fro from hospitals. Had college attendance issues. Learnt a dance routine from YouTube. Fought a little more than last year from random strangers. Started with my interview series. Studied like crazy before my second year exams. I didn't know I had that much discipline in me! Made ganache for the first time. Went on and off Facebook and WhatsApp a lot. Became more grateful. Actually became more conscious about being grateful. Wondered a lot about Sweety's family. Met Samaira before she was even one. Went to office regularly for a bit. And my college social service! Went to Udaipur for the first time. :) Komal left the city having completed her graduation. Attended a regatta for the first time. Realized I liked saying regatta a lot! Read Goblet of Fire for the first time. Didn't complete my reading list, unfortunately.

Oh, can't think of other things right now. Will keep adding them. :)

Edit -
Got my first ever surprise birthday party with the suprer awesomest personalized cake. Made and executed my first ever one day out of town beach plan. Went to a disc for the first time. Had shots for the first time. Gave my last (ever?) Math and Human Rights exam.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

You will never know, nor will I.

Even when we are very close, when nothing separates us, when there is not even an inch between us and I can feel you breathe, you will never completely understand me. And nor will I understand you.

You have to give it time. But even then when our hair is white (here I know I am just assuming it isn't dyed :P), when we have grown really tired of fighting over the same things and reached a stage where one of us just gives in, even then you will be close but not just quite.

We are two different magical beings. Maybe we have always been together, but people will shape us, situations will shape us, and that is why we will be wired differently. Its beautiful in itself. How things alter our workings and how two people are never the exact same. How we will never be able to decipher because we haven't seen or felt the things the other has. You know what will happen then, don't you? You won't understand my tone or where I am coming from when I say I am scared or when I say that I simply just have to do something. You won't understand why I like things a certain way and I won't understand your pickiness. I won't understand your tone or your anger or your prejudices which you will refuse to give up. You won't understand my greed or miserliness and I won't understand your possessiveness.

Its all a part of being two separate individuals. But we can accept. Accept enough to reach a stage comfortable enough to not feel the need to explain every sentence.
A stage when I will not have to wonder whether you just said what you said like a fact or did it mean more than it seemed. A stage where it all isn't a game anymore. A stage with open communication.

I think its the least we can hope for.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Good Things Today! :D

The good things of today.
A satisfactory gift given.
An excellent gift received.
Cheesy lunch.
(Almost) no money crunch.
Looking around at those beautiful people wondering whether you'd feel the same again with a new different set of people.
Feeling so loved. They have spoiled me toooo much. I can feel the approaching separation 4 months before hand. :(
Finishing my EVEd exam in ten minutes flat.
Successfully postponing all my worries to tomorrow.

Tomorrow includes:
Packing
Fai ghar
Exam centre
Aanchal's place
Fai ghar
Pg

Day after:
Station
Home

Today was so good. Can't wait for tomorrow to get over. :/

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

You Know What's Funny?

So you know what's funny?
Here I am sitting in my class.
And my complete my cycle again.
Like lololololol.
I can't really tell you how funny this is but everything is funny at this point. Because this full cycle and how I act is making everything else funny too.
This is my life.
Full control? Such a joke.

But Maybe.

I don't want to waste my best years like this. I am just beginning life and I am already ruining it for myself. I don't want to be stupid and want to do happy things. If nothing, just figure out what I want to do. I am very apprehensive of this phase. My apprehensions won't delay it. Come on mind, be mature.

Be your own little brand of happy and a little crazy.
Come on.

Two Images. Same Face.

[So I came to know that people actually read this but then this still remains my space. Oh and very conveniently everybody read about my Secret Santa because that is the ONLY aspect of my life that I write about and of course I would be stupid to even write about it when idk whatever.]

I was seeing this thing again. A lady pulling her hair out - very agitated, frustrated and hopeless. And a lady properly groomed and her lipstick in place and a big smile on her face. Somehow, she looked a little like an air hostess. Both of them had the same face. Both of them in little boxes side by side.

I have been having a hard time controlling my anger and my irritation.

I just want to say that I hate you for the things you do. But its a lie. I hate myself for what I do.
I detest your activities but that's fine too. And to the rest, I imagine throwing dung bombs at them. History repeating itself, again. I use this phrase way too much for my liking.

Its pretty much time to rethink. And accept. And change accordingly.

Thank God for Coldplay which is currently mellowing me down. Every second, every waking second is a fight and a struggle and its annoying to pause every two minutes to ease up. I am tired of saying I am done with people and then begging and being needy the very next moment. I hate all this paranoia. Their laughter is stupid. They are stupid. I still don't want to admit its up over my head. Asking for help is pointless.

I missed dad SO much yesterday. Like he was all I could see, the whole day, mid class, after class, while writing down those stupid notes. I still don't see how these two realities can coexist - like I was the one who saw all that and heard all that and it is me myself sitting in this class, laughing. Like this can't be it. I couldn't be here and there. Disassociation type things. But crying is for a private audience of one.

So in a nutshell, I am very annoyed by my thoughts. I want to be alone because I will just piss everyone off or have them looking after me. I like walking. And I like Calvin Harris and love Chris Martin. Most importantly, I would like to break about 10 things. Break and break and destroy and shout and whatever. Thank you very much.

:)


Yeah. Nothing very interesting here. Waking up super happy. Spoiling it. Spewing hatred and then going to sleep.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

A Lot of Time!

So, I was going through some old stuff and it seems like I have been bothered by the same things over and over. Some things have upset me for almost 5 years now and some things for maybe 7-8 years! (Probably I couldn't pinpoint it 7-8 years back as consciously but I think it must have been there in some measure.)

So, yes, that is a lot of time!
Am I crazy? How can anyone waste so much time! Such a shame. And I didn't even realize it before! I mean I had started having an idea about it only recently but this just struck me hard. :O

Also, I had this crazy idea about how I didn't want anyone to die and when I died there were certain things I wanted people to know - messages for people I'd known. I called it my death note. I never completed it because if you read the people I have included in it, it includes my local mudi man too! Just that exhaustive. But I got around to reading the bit I had typed. You know what's funny? I had typed this thing for dad too. And he never got to read it! How foolish I was to think my idea would work! You know, just because I happened to write about it! Hahaha! Come on. It is kind of funny. Is ironical a more apt word? I don't know.

Monday, December 7, 2015

I WENT FOR AFROJACCCKKK!

SO THIS HAPPENED.
LIFE IS AMAZING.

OH I WENT FOR FREE. JUST BY THE WAY.

I will give more details later but the thing is there is too much joy. I hope I always remember how happy it feels to just jump up and down and hear nothing else and see nothing else; to look at the stars and think how lucky you are to be there at the right place and right time. I hope I have other occasions to feel this again. I can't believe it happened. I went all out. Nothing matters but your happiness. <3

:)

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Secret Santa!

You know what I want for Secret Santa?
Okay, let me be sappy today, please. I can't be sappy elsewhere!

For starters I want to exchange the person to whom I am gifting. I got the same person last year and its just not fun.

I want lots of warm hugs with lots of love telling me that everything is okay. That I can be what I want to be. That I can do what I want to. And that there is no reason to be afraid. That eventually there is your path will decide your direction and its all fun, I just got to trust. I don't know about the external validation part, but you can't hug yourself. Just can't. I like warmth a lot.

Oh and also, Coldplay tickets would do.

Some sticky situation going on here in this room of mine. Hoping for things to get sorted out! :)

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud.
I never said thank you for that
Now I will never have a chance
...
Song for a heart so big
God couldn't let it live

I miss you. And I do love you. God promise. I still dream of you time and again. :)

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Vulnerability.

Don' you feel on some days that no matter what we do or say, we are all vulnerable inside?
We are all simple inside.
Just a beating heart.
It makes me smile.
All those defenses and all our anger.. It means nothing.

Its like I can almost see it. The most honest part of you pulsating - in my head it looks grey, like mercury - quivering, because all it wants to be is understood. For some reasons, we hide it away. Protect it from others sights. I know I would do it half the times.
Reminds me of the times I do let go and let it show. Let it free. Let it take the limelight. Let it plead unashamedly. Let it just be with teary eyes and attached expectations. Scary. Beautiful, Free.
According to me, these days come unexpectedly. Sometimes, from unexpected quarters. When in the evenings you are with your friends and suddenly it turns to confession time. Or when you just get tired of everything and fed up and someone just happens to ask you if you were fine. You then decide to just give it straight, I guess it happens when you are drunk too. I wouldn't know. These evenings, these conversations that cement relationships. When you know your burden is not that heavy because you are not carrying it alone. And the most important realization that there is love and that is why you will be understood.

Ah! Our vulnerabilities and fears.
Is it time to stop hiding them?
To take off our masks?


PS - Half of this came from watching the video of Far Away by Nickelback. Don't ask how it happens with me. The only thing I was noticing was that she was waiting for her firefighter partner to come back. Watching the television, following everything. The apprehensions, the fears. A single thing that she wanted. I imagined me there. I was rooting for her. So glad that they didn't kill him off. How I long to be a musician. To create similar magic! :)

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Holding Grudges!

In my case, I have realized that holding grudges is so pointless that I am not even sure who is getting hurt by it. Its just lame and disappointing. And, it doesn't change anything. You remain the same, sticking to your viewpoint, and so does the other person. Madness, that's what it is. But yet, grudges are not so easy to let go of - at which point you'd seek some kind of a tit for tat. Worst idea ever.

There are so many dimensions to this but like many others things, this too is futile.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

#DreamDiary2

Yaa, I know. Dream Diary time again.
So I dreamt that dad was there and he was talking very nicely and normally to me in the kitchen. Like all the questions he would usually asks. I went near him and I touched him and he was so cold. And then I was crying and could barely whimper. I said - They're going to kill you dad, they'll kill you. And then you're not my dad.
All this happened because I realized he was cold. Like I said he wasn't my dad because somewhere I knew he'd gone and this version had to go too. Meenal and mom just looked on helplessly. This killing thing stems from probably what I was thinking of that morning.

But don't take me too seriously. The day before I dreamt my brother's ex REALLY getting on my nerves. So much so, I complained to everyone about what a bitch she was being. And I was shopping at her shop with people I didn't like much and hang out with much back in school!

Weird!

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Sucky-Thing-Go-Away-Er 2! :D

Blowing bubbles. Giant bubbles.
Open fields to run in.
Smugness when predictions come true.
Finding an accommodation you like.
Being the best dressed.
Striking off things on a to-do list.
Windchimes
Sound of bangles
A friend telling you a secret
Being the first to use the new bar of fragnant soap
Looooong phone conversations
Having heart to hearts
Falling leaves. Walking through then! *_*
Old people/people from remote areas getting on escalators for the first time. (They look so scared and excited and cute and hold hands while on it!)
Those moments when obvious (happy) realizations hit you in the head and make you feel free
A grim mouth breaking into a smile. Like seeing the smile form.
Fast internet
Successfully pushing yourself towards doing something you're afraid of
Whenever you remember you're never alone
A quiet fart that didn't smell/ a stomach grumble which didn't make itself heard
Finding company when you think you're falling behind
A very relatable listicle
When you're finally off bad-tasting medicines

PS - A shorter list, I know. Forgive any repetitions. :P

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Other Things I Want To Talk About

So, I was reading this tumblr - http://bipolarconfessions.tumblr.com/
and also http://www.artparasites.com/diary-of-a-borderline-girl-1-my-mortified-family-told-me-all-about-it/

These things are so dark and scary. Losing control like that over your own mind. I don't know if its cruel to say thank you for not being that way. But I relate to all things and all people (almost), and this was no different. The knowledge of the fact that it is all your fault, the feeling of exhilaration of everything being okay only to feel it all shatter a few weeks later on, the inability to ask what you want sometimes, to know that you can and have to do better but somehow failing at it and the annoying constant internal dialogues!
But its beautiful. The way, the 5th part of the BPD diary unfolds. Wait! I don't relate to everything or go through anything even close but these are happier things -

"We have more power over our mind than we are led on to believe, and we can put that energy to good use."

"I’ll never forget the deep pain I felt, nor do I deny it. I relate strongly to the ones lost in these ugly places. But I do have faith in them.

I hope they’ll eventually realize things are sometimes so simple, we won’t believe they’re true. I hope they’ll learn so much and that one day they’ll know how important it all was, how the whole chain of events, however pitiful or sorrowful, led to someone who got to meet, fight, surrender, know, befriend themselves.
There cannot be an end to an essay like this which can satisfy. Life does not offer many certainties, but it does offer the chance to reinvent, start over, leave behind the pieces which don’t match, change whenever you wish. And the best thing is, everything always changes, so however low you might feel, you can be certain of one thing: it will not be like this forever, and the energy in you will one day bloom."
Enough of that. Maybe I should put away some of this intensive reading for later on. I found this email id on one of the above which should be helpful, I don't know.
And, I know when I will finally be ready. When I won't flinch if I am asked to go through certain phases of my life again. When I can say I could face them again. Until then, the process isn't over.
Saw some other people get ahead in life again!! The sucky part is their work is so beautiful.
I don't like this post at all. Its all dark and unhappy and comes out sounding how I don't want it to. I have two questions that need answering - a why and a how.  Life = set then. Until then, let's try to not postpone the work at hand. But no, I don't want to end so stupidly. I made chocolate pudding yesterday and chopped a little of mom's hair today. Learnt some secrets. New things in life. Oh, and there used to be this goat teeth bone thing lying about in Bal Vihar (the school playground) - I think every single child in my school has seen it and made stories about it. I completely forgot about it! Until I found it all packed and wrapped inside my drawer while cleaning it out. Yes, I am the weirdest child everrr!! Found the twin of a paper bracelet I had given away. I had given the better one away. Feel like building bridges today. Please tell me its a very bad idea! :O
I miss talking to people!:( 

Memories Suck

You know why they suck? I cried. And my laptop became all snotty and dirty. I can feel it beneath my fingers. I had to stop crying because I can't worry anyone but someone tell me what photos are. No, they are a cruel reminder of how okay papa was. How I won't ever get to click a picture with him again. I think back to the Hyderabad trip. He took us. But when I see the photos, I saw how he couldn't walk to half these places. Remembered how they made him take off his prosthesis at the airport for security checking. Then I suddenly realize that all of it was for US. I feel ashamed. I remember there was this place - Shilparaman (would have to check the spelling to be sure). Papa got really pissed because we were spending a lot of time and weren't coming out. We became angrier in return. But all I think of now is how he spent so much of his time in the car, waiting for us. Smalll thing to ask from us then, wasn't it?

What sucks is all these lovely faces I am seeing in all these pictures are all going to be dead one day. Gone. And I can't escape that.

What sucks is this family history. A history of husbands being taken away too soon. Children being left fatherless. Mothers feeling so alone. All so soon before time. And then this stupid history being repeated.

What sucks is you can't preserve every piece and every smell and every feeling and every conversation and make a big shrine out of it. Its bullshit they say about souls being hurt when you cry about them. I think they understand.

PS - What sucks for all you readers is I shall be back soon. :P

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Back Home

Hi. I missed you.

This is the kind of loneliness I hate.
When the TV is on, when someone is beside me and I have my phone in my hand. This isn't even the definition of lonely.
But don't you worry child. I can't afford to let go! :D

I swear to God that back home, the absence of papa of corner fills every second of time and every inch of space. You can feel him in all the things you do or don't; in all the things you see.

Today, I was given my first official work. From today I am going to go to office daily.

Mom is like on my back about college applications and I am just pushing things away.

I am missing certain feelings, certain sensations but I don't need them.

I can't begrudge people their happy lives. I mean I can, but there is nothing more foolish and fruitless than that.

Bye :)

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Competitive Goals vs. Personal Goals

Oh my mouth things are pretty cool now. Although I did go back to wondering how dad must have felt. It was just one part of my mouth and for him, burning in his whole tract. Ptch.

Anyway, I did think about it a little bit and narrowed down my career choices -
1) Become a businesswoman. This means taking up entrepreneurship as a course or better yet, work with a start up. You learn from other's mistakes.
2) IFS officer. Actually its the international relations strategy and the travelling that excites me. So studying international relations and ending up at the UN or shit is pretty cool!
3) Mom and dad's business. Expand it.
4) Studying supply chain management + logistics. Useful for working anywhere as well as for starting your own thing.
5) Other dream course is the Young India Fellowship. Unfortunately, can't get in with my CV.

So, my choices are pretty varied and thus I will have to choose. Can't work on two of those together.

Plus, I have other life goals as well. Like being awed by things, being able to continue as a free spirit - to write, or draw or be creative. Help people along the way. Be like Brandon of HONY. Be well read. Be a badass. Be wise! So many things to beeeee! So many places to seee. So much to do! (oh ya, learn a lot of new things, could be anything like stitching or cooking or driving or mountaineering!)

Sounds all well and good. But you know what's hard? When you are too excited and immature about it, or I am, or when you are in the phase where your dreams change constantly everyday, a new factor creeps in. I call it the 'competitive goals'. You are doing your own thing, you see other people following their own goals and suddenly you figure its missing on your list! And you want that. Suddenly you want to dip a finger in all pies. This is like a not good thing.

Personal goals are the things to prioritize on. Reflecting back and tweaking them from time to time is a must but don't be so quick to let other ripples spoil your calm. Remember your end is important too. Your goals are in your hands. Prioritize and even worse, choose. Choose between them to work on them. Be realistic. Like being spontaneous is not a thing you learn. Its just there or its not. There is so much to be for real!

Maybe that's why decision making is hard. It involves cutting out something that seems important. :/

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Not The Correct Time!

Oh well. This is a bad time to be my mouth. I have this ulcer on the inside of my lower lip plus the skin from the roof of my mouth is peeling. All on the right side. This means my right side is pretty useless. Right side of my mouth I mean. That's what is useless right now. *feels clever *
So I have made this to-do diary thing. Yes, I am already behind. Need to get my bag mended and return my cousins top ASAP. And packing. :/
Oh I miss dad a lot. Lotttss. I think the residual numbness is wearing off and I can feel the pain.
Learnt a dance routine yesterday night. Well tried to! Will continue tomorrow. Much worries about tomorrow. So much work to dooo! Oh man.
Today I spent 135 on a comb. How stupid am I!? Two important lessons I hope to apply in the future -
1) Learn to say no. Very important.
2) Leaen to haggle. Super important skill.
Damn. :/

Sunday, October 4, 2015

To You. With You. About You.

Hi Papa! :)

I came back today to this place. The Kolkata one. I am still getting used to it even after a month and half. Today I avoided uncle because I had a feeling he would want to talk about you and I'm not ready to, not willing to.
Listening to new music. Seems okay-ish. A YouTube video of about 2 hours.
Okay straight to the point. Yes, I am going to have to take care of myself and do something and leave all my thoughts of giving up behind. I don't know if you would be happy or sad but right now it's just you pushing me. I say to myself that if I don't take care of myself, then no one will. I know you are a survivor (no, the irony isn't lost on me) and would have said the same thing.
Its harder now dad.. Because I know now that you know everything. You're inside my mind. All that I've thought, think and will think. You'll know. You know. How much you would hate me torturing myself like that. I know.
I'm so lost dad. I don't know why I am not doing anything. Why I can't see forwards. The  tears don't come as easily as they did and I don't know if that's a good thing or bad.
Need a steel spine and bundle all my shit together. I hope this time I actually get around to doing it.
I think I know you better now. What you'd say or do. You just left it in me without me even realizing it.
Oh, before I forget, I had to say two things to you! I know you know but still!
Firstly, don't you ever worry about you being sick ever have been a problem for us. I know you'd been seeing us and that's how you know that you brought together everyone in your sickness.
Secondly, don't worry about the house either, I love it way too much and secretly didn't want it broken in the first place. Plus, you were born there, right? Its so cool! Not many people can/would be able to say that. I know I won't.
My mind can't process that you're not there anymore. When I think of you gone, I am in fact thinking of a parallel place or universe. I can't explain this. Its like I have to train my mind that the reality is what it is. It won't meander there on its own.
I like music so much because I feel like it purges me, Brings out to the surface all that is trapped inside. Says it okay to say and feel and express. How I keep failing at the correct things to say to the correct people. Yes, I know, people only make you feel bad if you allow them to.
Could I be wrong about so many things?
The best thing in life is that you're smiling whenever I see you. You are probably chilling with your own dad now and how nice it must feel when he says that you were an awesome person here! One day it might (will?) be true for me too.
Some people just don't know how to talk to me now.
I want to be everything. I want to be alone but I want to talk. I want to cry and then not cry and then not feel like a bad person about it.
Be with mom lots. Guide her correctly. She is so scared!
Meenal will totally kick ass at whatever she will do.
Me? I don't think I can be all you wanted me to be. You had dreams too big for me. I won't fit in them! But I can try being good at what I do! Deal?
Oh and baa and faiba. I am worried. Let them stay here for a lot more time. Please. Convince them too that you're around.

I look back to 27th sometimes. They changed you too much. They put flowers and a white cloth and a coin and then you didn't look like dad anymore. You could easily have been sleeping or at the hospital, holding my hand like you often did.
I hate it that you had to suffer so much if all He wanted to do was take you away. Its unfair. Specially after you struggled so much in life. But you were home and you saw us and heard us and I hope that made it easy. Makes me feel like I shouldn't complain.
The panic I felt when I saw you close your eyes.
But I kissed you a million times. I got to tell you I love you and that I was sorry and I understood what you wanted to say. I did.
I will keep talking to you in between, okay naa?
You will have to be kind of okay with that.
Maybe I won't feel so alone half the time now!

Oh wait. I guess in all of that I forgot to say thank you. :)
Thank you :*

Love you. :)

Friday, October 2, 2015

An Exercise in Futility

I am so down and so cyncinal right now that I will go against everything I say today.

Tell you what, human life is a big big exercise in futility.
What do you even survive for? Live for?
Nothing ever was yours. Nothing will be.
I always like to say I live for the people. But why?
People that give you love and make you happy will leave you, will find happiness elsewhere or just die.
You grow up to see things both good and bad - I am being fair here. But the bad is just too extreme and hence overwhelming. You see that much cruelty and endure that much suffering.
And for what?
To succeed against all odds or just come out of it.
To grow wiser and become better.
Cool. But for what?
To die.
Alone. Helpless. Your knowledge of no use. Just as you had come.

I guess the only distinguishable feature about life is you don't/can't get another one if you waste this one.

The aim of life is to make life less sucky for other people. So there is nothing in it for you if be a little selfish and try to make it better for yourself. Thus, there is the possibility of social utility from your existence. Personal utility? Perhaps not so much.

Its exhausting. I don't even know what 'it' I am talking about. Probably a life without purpose. Or just the routine of life. Get up and brush your teeth and have a bath and polish your shoes. But for what!? Did we just structure ourselves so because we didn't know what else to do? Or is this the best we can actually do?

Running in circles. Chasing tails.

I am thoroughly disgusted. Everybody told me that they would be there for me to talk to whenever, just had to text. But that's a lie.
I am disgusted that I know I am not trying to understand their lives.
I am disgusted that I am baselessly accusing as a friend just called and another texted and a teacher visited.
I am disgusted that I am just an inch away from spilling my contents to a complete stranger.
I am disgusted that I didn't write about dad. Because I wasn't there mentally where I wanted to be.

No point in anything. But I do love you, dad.
Bye. :)

Friday, September 25, 2015

The Day that Almost Was

Phone call at 1:34 a.m. The hospital said it was cardiac arrest. Mom stood up to get ready with calm. Meenal and me got up immediately. She wasn't sleeping. I doubt I was. I had been crying anyway because I could not bring myself to think positively. I saw a yellow light inside daddy but it hadn't been bright enough to spread everywhere in his body. I started hyperventialting. Meenal held my wrist tight. Asked me not to cry. Packed the car keys and mom's spectacles and got the comb for her. Meenal went to wake Kaka up. He wasn't sleeping either. Kaka woke everyone else up saying dad wasn't well. Meenal and me sat for a bit on the platform outside home facing the car window at the side which mom was sitting on. Mom waited for Kaka to get in to drive. There was so much urgency but there was calm. Hadn't expected that.
We waited for an hour. Started seeing GoT's next episode because well. I would start sobbing and like she said, your thinking won't change anything. She messaged Aanchal to give me the counsellor's number. Said I was blaming myself. Which is true - it was my fault. When I knew it was working, I should have done it more and not been lazy about it. Stopped watching midway because faiba came. Said my grandad had died on a Thursday and some other similarity according to the Hindu calendar. Called Kaka up after some time. Said they were coming in two. Didn't sound sobby.
Mom said dad was on ventilator and after 4 hours or so they would wean him off his medicines to see if he was doing okay on his own. But it was pretty clear. They started talking about dates and cleaned the rooms. I just asked mom whether he would come home because he wanted to so badly. I wished he would get that.  All that was there afterward was crying, weeping, comforting, praying and the worst waiting. Waiting. 4 would not turn to 5. All these random weird discussions. Sad discussions. I was surprised. You don't cry continuously, you know? It comes in bursts.
When you remember the ball he showed you how he himself used to play.
When you remember that it would be their 25th anniversary next year; when mom makes you remove the previous years card out of sight.
When you see the poster in the room that says - We missed you daddy! <3 Welcome Home. :)
When you remember how there was so much pain.
When you remember that it was his heart that gave away - the most perfect thing about his body.
When you see mom and worry about your family.
When you remember how you don't know all his stories well.
When you remember how he used to hold your hand and kiss you even though he wouldn't talk much.
When you remember what he said to you during his healthy days.
When you remember that they are going to take him away. Away.

Went and saw him. Its the worst. Seeing someone you love in pain is the worst. You say you love them and try to make them comfortable. I thought I would write everything in detail but maybe now is not the time. Have to face tomorrow. I will keep editing this space. I can't forget. No.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

What's on your mind?

What's on my mind is that I had too much of a good thing. So it was bad. I lived in the shadows for so long that I forgot that I could shine. When I finally did, I was just a candle admist all these brilliant colourful sparkles.

What's on my mind is that sharing is stupid. Senseless. I hate my phone and want to erase its existence. This ease of communication gives me a false sense of security. But its a lie. Everything is a lie. You're just supposed to be and process it in yourself.

Better get my ass to do some work.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Positive Vibes!?

So, dad has been pretty sick lately. The day before he had even be declared critical. Turns out the doctors weren't that familiar with the case and so, the prognosis wasn't entirely accurate. It was a day after mom's birthday. She didn't tell that to me or my sister. I don't know what kind of courage she has. Scary times.

I think of the finality of it all. More often that I would like, my mind wanders down a path I don't like. I imagine sad things. Distressing things. Situations. White. Future. I fear its attributing to papa's ill health in a twisted giving-out-bad-vibes way.

So, I decided to let my mind still wander but in a positive way, a happier way. Those will be the positive vibes that I will send out.

I imagine his digestive tract. The bacterial infection in his tract is all red and that's why it burns. I imagine cool, cleansing light blue, very light blue, the colour of ice cubes in science books. That colour washes through him, giving so much relief in that tract. The bacteria's die. I don't know. All I see is that everything becomes blue as it passes through his system and cools down the burning. Like a balm. All is normal again. He can eat and get his strength back.

He won't be a sad story; problematic health leading to the end. I see him as a miracle story teller. He will get old soon, and then like old people often do, I see him telling people how he braved what he is going through.

I see him kiss me on the cheek a million times. He would remember that he couldn't do it today because of that stupid mask, and he will treasure it even more.

I see him come back a softer man, a more patient man. He won't get angry much. He will be the boss again, as people who know him call him. He will be kinder towards the sick. He won't refuse to give alms anymore and we'll have to stop him.

I see him eating messily still. Mom and dad will be pretty old and mom will start to roll up his sleeves before he dines. He will always itch to eat what he shouldn't. Only that he might be a little scared to eat those things on the sly now.

I see him talking about the stock markets and blah blah. Maybe he will try to teach me a thing or two about what he is doing. He will be guiding us again, with his opinions. Worrying about us. Our careers. Oh, and most importantly, worrying about 'the competition' in today's world.

I wonder if our world will be the same when my kids group up. Would dad still be scared to pick babies up? Mom will be the strict, disciplinarian granny and dad the indulgent one. Wonder if he will still repeat the words 'consistency' and 'competition' as much. He would teach them cricket though, won't he? And silently disapprove as I teach my kids not to believe in Paryushan.

We will have family get-togethers. Dad will play his songs and mom and dad will sing along while we get bored to death. We won't be the sad family, we will be the family that ticks. Dad will be so much more loving you know? Because of all this. Maybe our house will finally be made.

Every situation can be turned. Right now, every story has a good end. Give the good ends a fighting chance dad. Give it. My positive vibrations to you. Stronger than always. :)

Monday, September 14, 2015

Its Only Words! :P

Random words to string into a story some day :

Terrace
Clouds
Compartment
Flooded
Titanic
Loudmouth
Different light
Pretty
White
Relax
Shook off
Fart
Excuses
Fast moving
Phone's Revenge
Non-living best friend
Undead best friend
Dysfunctional
Distance
Time
Physics
Weirdo
Kbye

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Gibberish.

Listening to The Escapist. Such a powerful beautiful line -

And in the end we lie awake
And we dream of making our escape

:)

You know how some things are? Just so beautiful in their simplicity. In their normalcy. Suddenly these things are not normal anymore. So you hold on even closer. All it is is sand slipping from between your fingers. The tighter you hold on the more you're really letting it go. Ever seen A Lot Like Love? "Don't. You'll ruin it." Maybe these are the hardest of all moments. When there is so much to explain to show to justify but you withhold it all because it will actually ruin it. You got to know when the sentence ends. Where to put a full stop.

Am again so tired today. Should have probably gone to sleep. But I refuse to
sleep. I am mentally exhausted too. Trying/Learning to be calm and patient through the topsy-turviness. Half the battle is holding on and going on with it. Just not giving up. Deep breaths are the most brilliant things. Physically too my body is all tensed up. Since all of us have been keeping up late at nights these guys just left my room so I could sleep because I was so tired and sleep deprived that I looked drunk.

Just switched off my phone. Nearly two hours ago. Keeping it so until I wake up tomorrow morning. I feel tempted to switch it on again but I just need the time-out. Time outs. :)

Wondered what to write about right now. Saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall and not a nice movie. Light but chuckled just about twice. My nosey is stuck in my nose. Like how I can make it all about myself here and not feel bad about it. Coldplay = comfort. Always.

This reminds me whoever reads this has to go watch Wake Me Up by Avicii at least once on YouTube. Its on number 30 on the most watched video list which is not so bad in itself except for the fact that Gangnam Style is number 1. Like why?

Call it magic. Call it true.

I don't want to sleep.

Umm what did I learn today? The Psychology Department of my college is so cool. The students have their own research which is outside of their syllabus. A friend I talked to said their paper was going to be on Multiple Personality Disorder on Children of Single Parents. I wanted to ask why they had such an objective but it came out wrong. Then I didn't want to be too intrusive either.

Then I also learnt that there have been recommendations to remove the Act which criminalizes suicide from the Constitution. I do not know however if that is a good thing or bad. In a way its good because if people like back out from suicide they won't fear getting arrested.

Tell me your secrets. Ask me your questions. :)

All subjects are pretty cool. And you do need a little bit of knowledge from all the fields to lead a meaningful life. Nor does it guarantee meaning nor is it a sufficient condition for it but working knowledge is a must. Literature gives depth and if you learn to analyze literature you are in fact learning about human nature. Economics is also necessary at a basic level. Psychology just seems interesting. Basic Maths is necessary too. If nothing then to sharpen your brain. History is how you plan your future. Science is wonderful - we are little without the 3 sciences. Basically it all boils down to the way subjects are taught. The main objective of teaching anything should be clearing the concepts and then on letting the student analyze it of his own. We do have it here but it comes in pretty late - at college level. And even then the ones who can learn up things do have an advantage with the existence of the marking system. At my age I believe there are few people who are fueled by the drive to learn. Learning does not excite. Whatever they learn now is just a stepping stone to where they want to go in the future. I hope I have put this point across clearly enough. And me? Well I have to be honest. I have rarely had cause to put my brains to something since pretty much my first year. The only time when I actually think I am being productive is when I am writing and collecting my thoughts. Cannot really blame the institutions and their ways as I have a firm stand on this - Where there is a will there is a way. Could have read up things on my own. Could have at least grasped my syllabus concepts well. I regret it but I think I couldn't have forced myself into it. It seems I have fallen out of the habit of paying attention in classes but nothing catches my attention long enough. Nothing in my syllabus. Tell me something about what you are learning and you will have a very excited student before you who will even reference on what you say. I am a little scared and even sad that I did this to Economics. From loving it so much that I knew I wouldn't study anything else to this. I am still not clear on what changed - maybe the way it was taught maybe the college hours maybe my own lack of initiative I don't know. It pricks me! As for the other subjects the field does always look greener on the other side. I regret missing out on everything I am not studying. Every single thing.

Now I can go sleep maybe. Exhausted myself enough mentally with all this chatter! :D

Something I read today - To be something you've never been before you have to do something which you have never been before.

*Woah its 10 to 3 already! :O*

Wait. Forgot to complain about the food /today. Now today is special because tonight's vegetable tasted like vomit. Not even exaggerating. The salty vomit taste? /That /was our /vegetable /today.

Okay /I /b/etter /go /n/ow./ /Keyboard malfunction/g /as /might /b/e /ob/vious /from /the /n/umber /of ////////////////////////////////////////////////////. Fighting/ /to /make /it stop. /Plus /n/o commas. /:(

Thursday, September 3, 2015

I Stand Up Strong.

So here I go. This is a challenge to myself to write a page about the good things in me. If not good, at last neutral. No writing of being lost or my shortcomings. Just a page. Been upset for way too long and need to smile for a bit.

The first thing I can think of is I can love deeply. If you're my person, then I am not leaving you. You can do whatever you can, act like a complete asshole. I will be right here. Always. I can't explain this enough. My tolerance goes way too much. Ya probably not such a good thing. But the good thing is I don't love easily at all. So that is what keeps me protected - don't attach easily but if I do, oh well.
I will make it a point to keep asking after you if you're having an off day. If I really do understand, I will stick through the whole phase. Ya, here comes in the whole expectation package, but I have learnt to steer my thoughts away from that direction.
Umm, I am funny! I will tell you a little secret - my semi deafness helps. I just can't hear people clearly. And I just had a two day thing where my ear was so super blocked that I couldn't believe my ears (get it? :D) when I could hear properly.
Music really does set me free. I have repeated myself so much in that direction. Haha.
I am pretty honest. Sometimes it could be embarrassing.
I will come to your defense if you are being hard on yourself. So much so, I have decided to curb it and let people just go ahead.
I like how I remember details. Funny details. The most important ones.
I like how I have come to really understand the word 'family'. It means so much more than it looks.
I have learnt how to smile for others and be happy in their successes.
I am pretty level headed. Open to knowing more.
I like how I write. I see beautiful pieces of writing and moan about how I wish I could write half as well. But I like my brand of writing. Its true and vulnerable. Most of the best writings are. (Here is the part where I explain what I mean but I am just going to be a badass today ;))
I like how calm I am being about my future. Like not losing my head as much.
*Calvin Harris just came on*
I loooovvvveeeeeeeeee loooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeee looooooovvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee his voice.
Haha. I smiled. :')
I love how my favourite feeling right now is inspired. This is the closest I have ever come to giving up but I read things today. I am fucking alive. So, I should just be fucking happy.
I like how I am turning towards the path of acceptance now. I start by writing this.
I love how I feel so positive about life sometimes that I want to slap anyone who frowns.
I am beautiful.
I am strong.
I look back at the days where I wished I was really strong. I want to laugh at myself. I was strong all along.
I like how I will not explain all of what I just said today.
I like my dreams. I like my nightmares.
I like narrating my life like it were a story.
I like how I am at a loss of words when I want to describe something beautiful.
I like how I find meaning in the smallest of things.
I like how I am discerning what is taught and what is right.
I like how I question right and wrong.
I like my frankness for saying what I feel.
I like how when I just pressed enter, the scroll bar just appaeared and shifted downwards. To a new page.
I like the feeling I got right now - when I thought of how broken I feel but I will just learn to love every fucking piece.
Each one.
I am only as broken as I let myself be.
I will stop discounting myself. Even jokingly. At least until I can make out the difference between the two.
I will shut my ears because I am not inferior if I don't consent to it.
I like my honest admissions late this night.
I like how I stopped myself from calling everybody up when I woke up feeling panicky right upto my neck.
I like my battles. I will fight them. I will not remember what waking up feeling scared is like.
I like how I can romanticize everything right now - how at this time every small fucking part of me feels so beautiful. Feels unapologetic. Feels high.
Yes, they were wrong. Whoever said it was my fault. They all were wrong.
Yes, I will blame every one of you for not looking after me when I was down. But I will always know how wrong and stupid it is and not really mean it because I am still rational. I will stand beside you when you call upon me, though. I never ever say what I don't mean. That is why I never make promises like these.
Yes, nothing was wrong until I made it that way. I will relapse. I will blame everyone again. But I will get the fuck up. I will write this again. Millions of times. Day and night. Until it enters my bloodstream. Until it becomes my reality and my story.
I like my colour.
I like my fire. I like my spirit.
I will not deny the way it wants to manifest itself.
I will stop myself from becoming my enemy. I will stop trying to extinguish it because it is different. I will feed it and make sure it lives on and drives me whenever I falter.

I will have a good night's sleep tonight.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

The People Diaries - 2! :D

Tanya Anand!

The multi talented drama queen.
Her interests include mock-courting, debating, belly dancing, elocution, drama, singing and painting. Also, watching soaps and movies.
Her unwavering love for Shah Rukh Khan has led her to display her physical strength but very few know of her internal strength - true bravery in the hardest of times.
She gets bored easily only because she is so much fun.
She yearns to know more and learn more.
Silly and spontaneous, the other S that perfectly describes her is substance.
‎"She's mad but she is magic. There is no lie in her fire."

3 words you would use to describe yourself?
Brave.
Shy but kinda play it cool.
Boring. I like my company more than anyone else's.

What are your biggest strengths?
My failures. Or at least a reminder of them.
My friends when the going gets tough.

Things you believe in or rather live by?
There's no theory such as when you do good you'll get good.. You'll have to grab the good for yourself. Because good is a very busy man. I really believe in this. Also if you do good so that'll you get good - you're a douche.

Your weaknesses?
Procrastination. I love procrastinating. It could attack me anywhere anytime and could make me lose my focus.
Coffee - its both my strength and weakness!
And insecurity. It makes me do weird things.

Insecurity about who amd what exactly?
That I may not be as good as the others - be it intelligence looks or getting along with people. Anything could make me insecure depending on the situation.

Things you can't dream of life without?
There are feelings that I can never let go of. Compassion is one of them.
I can't dream to live a life without dreams as well. I think they give me purpose. They could be as silly as shit but they keep you going!

Things you feel and experience that makes you feel that life is worth it?
I absolutely heart the feeling  get after I finish an entire plate of tasty chicken lollipop. Its better than sex. Just a presumption. I haven't had sex.
Also when I sing my heart out and am then pretty impressed with myself.
When I  paint!

What pisses you off the most? Makes you wish you could change it?
My brother being an ass. I wish I could change his behaviour if not him.
Also I wish I could change the people around me. I wish the people I meet are all like my school friends and not idiots.

What do you want your story to say?
No suit Superhero.

What is that thing about you that you wished people knew?
I want to be pampered. No matter how much I push people away.

What is your reason for getting up in the morning?
To do what I do best. Daydream. And sometimes if I am in a good mood I do something about it. I work.

Goodness or greatness? Why?
Greatness. Greatness helps you to see and achieve a bigger picture.
One always has room for goodness.

Heart or mind?
This is hard. Heart. I really wanted to say mind though. Would have sounded so cool.

Things you'd like to do before you die?
Want to have sex. Oh wait. Have sex with Jensen Ackles. Also I want to be rich. But if I'm having sex with him I would definitely would be rich.

What is a sure shot way of impressing you?
Not being fake and at the same thing being soft spoken and really intelligent. And if you're not good looking I fear your chances would be jack.

Any piece of wisdom which you've acquired that made you think you were growing up?
I started thinking. And that's when I realized I was growing.

PS - Sorry about the lack of commas. Computer malfunction. :/

Friday, August 28, 2015

When we peel off, we are all the same.

Then why do we make it so hard for each other?
I had one of those awkward moments where I tried telling people why I was unhappy but they had their own reasons to feel the same!

Anyway, I just came back here because I think smart phones make people feel more alone. I wanted someone to keep talking for a while but well. I just kept waiting for the phone to blink. Maybe I will turn in early today. My net pack gets over today. :O

Lots of love today to all those who are struggling. Please find someone to talk to. Please. Don't give up. There is a way. And don't listen to those who call you weak either. :)

Happy 22nd Birthday Niloufer! :D

(A page from my diary)

I am too late. I had been putting this off since, well, the 8th of October. That was when Niloufer passed away..

Well the thing is I wasn't close to you. But whatever I remember is good stuff. Its was the starting of the college time/days. I was just sick. Because Malavika was kind of shunning me and all. She used to talk to you. So I tried to be friends kind of with you. Eventually that didn't work out what with you and the Khadjias becoming a group. But thank you for every time you did talk to me. It was a moment I felt less sick. So thank you. For those moments where you did make me feel included. Another story I remember is when you told me about your north-eastern roommate - the one who devoted an hour every morning to her hair. Haha. I still talk about it. And also that prostitutes one. Where you guys went on your excursion and well THAT happened. You told me how keenly your guy friends looked on, just staring at them as they lined the roadside! Pattaya was it? Rest all I remember is mundane talk. You sitting in the library with Khadijas doing reference. I used to look at you people and just wonder what was I not doing. The thing I feel most sad about is you had so much planned ahead. You worked shit hard. And it was all cut short. And that you always smiled. Never rubbed in the leg problem and refused to take the lift. Asking me how my paper was. Looking beautiful in that jumpsuit. :) Its already fading away little by little. Which is so wrong. And so i am writing down everything I do remember so at least I have the chance to look back. And remember you. I am terribly upset that it was all cut short. You kind of shook me up. Maybe I too don't have much time. The need to do.

PS - Aanchal tells me that you won a roomful of awards for athletics!? That's amazing. Knew so little about you. Ooh, I now remember a honeycomb outside your window. Or no wait, it was a guy who had come to cut a tree. And also your relative who just suddenly had a baby one day!
I am sorry I didn't come to say goodbye. Or write about you earlier. But I hope its peaceful now. I really do. Amen.

28th August, 2015 - We had this little prayer service. Still gives me goosebumps. I don't know how it gets. Or how it happens. I hope you're happy and at peace and looking upon your family fondly. They must miss you so much. Specially today. Be with them.
Happy Birthday :)

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

The People Diaries - 1! :D

Shristi Kothari!

"You're a fun bubble of happiness and smiles" aptly describes Shristi Kothari.
Anyone who knows her will automatically smile on hearing her name. She will say or do such scandalous (read : funny) things that there is never a dull moment around her. Although you get the feeling that she is such a kid for giving importance to really funny things, once you go nearer, you realize that she has a deep understanding of emotions and great reserves of empathy for what people go through. She is the reason half of her friends have decent pictures. Ever jumpy, hyperactive and a compulsive singer with the widest smile ever, I hope she never stops! :D

Here is an excerpt from a talk with her! :)

How would you describe yourself?
I am fun and bubbly and also pretty paranoid. I like to say I understand people. Sometimes, I form opinions and its hard to change them.

What are your strengths?
The people that I love but they're also my weakness (which has got to stop!)
The way I try to understand people maybe?

Okay let me reframe. What are the qualities you like most about yourself?
I guess that I love meeting new people. Even though I am a little shy at first, I really like to get to know people. Different kinds of people. And I like it if I am able to make someone open up to me.

What's your weakest point?
Waayyy too emotional - it clouds my judgements. Highly indecisive. Overthink a lot. And still finding direction in life.

And the people that you love?
Every little thing they do affects me. I think the amount I feel is intimidates people at times. At that time I feel like I am not enough - enough to make them stay or am too much for them to stay. This leads to my pushing people away which is kind of my biggest fear.

What so you want your story to say?
That I made people really happy. And I earned myself respect. And loads of friends.

What is a recent realization that you've had that made you think you were growing up?
I've stopped expecting much from people. I do still expect a little. But even when people disappoint, I've stopped letting it affect me as much. Like you can do your crap, it might hurt me but it won't break me.
After a rough patch I had, I leant how to be happy with myself. Like not depend on others completely for my happiness. And even though the people I love mean the world to me, I cannot expect them to carry all my weight for me.

So, a lot of good came out of your bad patch?
Yes, there was more good in it then I'd expected there to be.

And you meant you need people but can't always lean on them?
Yes. Everyone has their own burdens. You can't put all of yours on someone else and expect them to always carry it. It sounds bitter but its true - helps me be all right again.

How?
People affect me a lot but I think of this and somehow it gets a little better. I am reminded of how everyone has to carry their own weight. It gives me strength in an odd way.

Have you prioritized things now?
A little. I have the tendency of getting attracted to all the wrong things - things I know I shouldn't be doing but do anyway. So I have learnt to prioritize but I barely implement it in reality.

So what's your number one priority right now?
Stop letting others define my life. I want to live life on my own terms. In my own pace. And stop letting insignificant people affect me.

What is that one thing about you that you wished other people knew?
That I am worth knowing. :)

Monday, August 17, 2015

There is Nothing To Be Said.

Writing is an exercise of the mind and sometimes it even turns out okay. But like the day before, I fell short of words. I wanted to express, to note down, what I felt because there was so much crossing my mind but there was a lot of chaos. I could not even write a word. For the lack of them, I shut up completely. I just had this painting in my mind - not like I could actually paint it. There was this pair of lips on the lower left hand corner of the white canvas. From those lips came out rainbow coloured swirls, my hands spreading them further into the distance. There were stars admist them - colourless and black outlined ones. This painting was meant to depict everything. Everything. I wish I could say what I felt. It was so big and encompassing. It accommodated so much that it had to stop halfway for breath. And when it did so, it realized how exhausted it was from running off from everywhere and from everyone, that it just collapsed. The rainbow coloured swirl dissipated into nothingness, the stars stopped shining and disappeared and what the lips wanted to say went back to its dark place, buried under the ground where it belonged. And all this happened, the beautiful to-be painting faded, leaving behind no evidence except a frown on the usually smiling face. So inspite of its enormity, when someone asked what had happened, the only thing that was breathed was - 'There is nothing to be said.'

Saturday, August 15, 2015

I

I am not friendly
I am not fancy
I am not talented
I am not studious
I am gliding through life
I am an occasional liar hoping to get caught
I am the gladness of being asked after
I am the contempt I have
I am the uninterest in the opportunities
I am the voice that can't speak
I am the slackness
I am the ignorance I possess
I am the morbid and dirty thoughts I think
I am the selfishness
I am the unnecessary talk
I am what I heard, never experienced or felt
I am the opportunities I missed and the initiatives I never took
I am all the books I didn't read
I am all the people I consistently need
I am all the comparisons, jealousies and insecurities
I am the loathe that hates my self-loathing
I am the thinking that continues that way
I am everything that's wrong.

Hoping for a day when this feels right to me.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Hey! :)

I could probably talk about the new place I shifted to. My thoughts on my thoughts on my new place.
Or about the test I have tomorrow I know nothing of.
Or about the cutely comfortable dream I had yesterday.
Or about the mini vacation I had back home (everything's back to where it was now).
Or how I need to/am aiming to start praying again.
Or about the term paper I need to get started on.
Or how disappointed I am that I don't write as well anymore which has resulted in people not reading anymore.
Or how a reply I made in my class group ages ago is still bugging me no end. *get over it*
Or the really pretty cupcakes I had today.

Or I should just sleep. Too tired. Early mornings.

Good Night World! :)

She Forgot.

The harder she tried to remember
The more she forgot.

She tried to remember what her mother had said
To be a lady with her head held high
To know to speak and when to withhold
Everything with a smile
Showing no signs of strains of her inner mind

She tried to remember what her father said
To work hard and be kind
To be able to touch the skies
To do your best; somehow ensure it was better than the rest
As successful people usually did not have any visible vice

She tried to remember what the Church had said
That God was there
To believe in Him alone
To be righteous and kind
If it was meant to be, the pieces would fall into their places right away
Or else, it was understandably just a sign.

She tried to remember what the school had taught
This list was longest of them all
Be honest.
Be kind.
Polish your shoes.
Be on time.
Do craft.
Study hard.
Know a little of everything to truly shine.

She tried to remember the unwritten norms that she'd absorbed
The sharpness.
The crispness.
The boldness.
The dashing sense of style.
To be fun and to let loose
Never crossing the line over to the vulgar side.

She heard the things that were left unsaid
Caught them with her eyes instead
She read about freedom and love
The beauty of being who you are
Or did you have to tweak yourself a little bit to rise?
She got convinced about the author's arguments that travel was a must to open your mind.
She read about greatness and ambition
And how you betray yourself by your bodily postures and signs
She saw goodness in action and the fruits of potential.

She recollected everything.
Remembered everything.
Compiled a self help guide.
And this is a story of how she forgot.

She forgot to live.


Friday, August 7, 2015

Separation.

So what is separation really then, she wondered. Was togetherness just being together?

Is togetherness sitting next to each other in front of the TV set? Listlessly and blankly staring at those stupid silly ads day after day like empty shells instead of looking at each other?

Is it sticking around the whole day? Making wild plans? But then they never really listened to each other! Their attention was on their phones and the people and everything else. When you express your love by saying 'I love you' everyday but don't even feel a thing. Expression comes out of habit.

And what would you call the feeling of comfort a child gets with her/his soft toy? The anguish and great discomfort felt when this unresponsive shoulder is taken away from them? That had to be separation.

Was it when you weren't really together but every fibre of your being wished otherwise? Being separate doesn't change the fact that they were your people. So that whenever you met, you just pick from where you left off?

Or when the world says you have truly been separated. When you've buried them or burnt them and nothing remains. But yet, you wake up every day, feeling that nothing's changed. You've always been together with them and that will always stay the same.
"The ones who love us never really leave us."

Funny this world. Sometimes here being apart meant being together.

Lessons in Life : From my Sister's Life :P

Just two short things.
First, yes, if you're bad, it catches up witj you. All those people you saw? Gliding through life even when you knew they weren't good? They do pay. It's not a myth. Was good to know. Wonder if its true the other way round too? Like if I see someone not alone or miserable even after many, many years.. It might be true that they aren't actually horrible and I'd misunderstood them!? Does it work that way?

Second, I like advertising as a profession - which my sister is into. Simply because you need to be inspired for it. Every single day. Or it wouldn't work. I think very few professions do that - connect you to your depth. For me, that is a very important life goal - to be moved, inspired and yet updated on all that goes on! :)

PS - We are a whole family again after sp long! :)
Things like they used to be.
I had forgotten how annoying Meenal was but then I came home. I am not kidding. I had actually forgotten. That no good fatass.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Busy, busy, busy. Lol. Not really.

I can't believe I have had nothing to update all these days! I last updated on 20th and then my college began. College means getting up at quarter to 7 because I take a lot of time to get ready, college from 8:30 which last on some days till 4:00 p.m. Anyway I don't like going back to the room once I am out. It's a thing. Like today we were dismissed at 2:30. Time I chose to return? 6:30.
Well, follow up on that last depressing post. I am much, much, much better now. A friend helped me out too. Showed me how things have a solution if you sit down with them. So, ya, anyway. wasting time.

While I was trying to figure out what to do with my life after graduation yesterday, I came up with this list of things I should be doing/can do right now:
1) Take up a virtual writing internship. Content writing if nothing else.
2) Take up a single EdX course that doesn't require as much investment in terms of time but is fun and useful.
3) Strengthen my basics. Maybe I won't know extra stuff but be good at what I am being taught at least.
4) Look up things for the term paper I have to write this year. Qualifies as a little bit of extra referencing!
5) Kick my phone and read more.
6) Write up one or two economics articles from time to time - just to be in touch, you know.


Other not so crucial but got-to-do things -
6) Organize, organize and organize! My laptop, my home computer, my bookmarks, my college notes into different folders.
7) Copy down notes.
8) Go shopping.

Took some personality tests yesterday to determine what career suits me. While I am still thinking it over, my 'inductive reasoning' is strong. I am an ISFJ person - 'The Defender'. Interestingly, medical field would have been good for me. Interesting because I had never even considered medical. Ever. I even went through some other people's views where they ask you to list things you are passionate about. If the list wasn't a page long at least, it meant you hadn't done or explored enough. Mine wasn't a page long.

*sigh*

Oh, and also, former president Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam Azad passed away and it was a terrible thing. He was a really nice man. I was reading about him the just the day before he passed away. I would have written about him but I admit I need to read up on him before that though.

Toodles! :)

Monday, July 20, 2015

My Story.

Remember all those people you keep asking why they are crying? And they said nothing? And you get annoyed?
Well, I wouldn't be lying if I said nothing.

Yes. I suffer from irrepressible urges to cry all the time, without any reason. At least, without any substantial reason. I say suffer because its hard. Its hard if your natural reaction to everything is cry - your mom hugging and sleeping you or you saying bye to your favorite soft toy or reading a beautiful Humans of New York post or seeing your dad suffer or a sad animal or just thinking about crying. How can all of these elicit the same response?

You feel stupid and weak and vulnerable because you feel everything with such intensity. And then you start to question. Is all your feeling actually imaginary or self made? Are you pretending to feel? If you feel everything with the same intensity, is it even called feeling then? Or just an excuse to be miserable?

And the worst of them all is crying for no reason. Its the worst because you don't know how to combat it. You start shielding yourself from things that hurt but how do you start shielding yourself from no reason? How do you stop?
Even after crying you feel drained. Exhausted.

After feeling so confused then, you try and turn towards people. Make no mistake though. You've already talked yourself into a dozen fresh starts and a dozen better tomorrows first. You try taking a dozen projects because that's what stops your mind from going into overtime.

When I was smaller, I used to have a bad day or two in between. Even then it was pretty cool, I had people to always cheer me up. Everyone was free-r then. Sometime last year I started confiding again. It was getting way out of hand. But its kind of different now. Now everyone has their own tests and trials and worries. And I don't even blame them. I am never ever alone, the people who matter have always told me that. But its hard to remember that when you are battling alone and trying to quell all the swelling inside and you can't say anything about it because you'd just end up pushing the other person away. It feels alone when you are suppressing your thoughts.

Its all the more sickening when it sinks in that all this is happening because you can't even control your own mind and thoughts. Its scary to think about the implications this might have.

I looked for reasons yesterday. Two came up - depression and anxiety. It can't be depression because I am a 'silver linings' person and I am very grateful for all the things I have and all the happy days I can still feel. Also, depression is a very strong word and I can't even be that.

All I can be is busy. That is hard to when half your mind is concentrating on stopping your own thoughts and reminding you to be in the present. Imagine reading while simultaneously thinking this. And God forbid its a sad book.

While I know that people can't be at my beck and call, it would be nice if someone kept reminding me that it would be okay. I tried telling other people but I don't some and some it was never the right time with. I don't need people comparing my life with others because I know that I don't have real problems and oh, gratitude? I could write a book on it. Just makes me feel worse that I am letting everybody down. I don't need anger either. Or contempt. I have enough of that too.

I don't know why I wrote this. What I hope to achieve. I don't want pity or a mockery made out of me. It's a little patch of tough time. All I know is I want to put this way behind me. Look back and say I survived this. Because if I survive this I can survive anything else. I know. I can't be weak and need patience. Small, baby steps to combat every small bad feeling. Slowly. I didn't want to be left behind because of all these crappy things. But maybe I have no choice. I will try. I will succeed. Even if that means writing 'its okay' on all my books and notebooks. Even if it means taking deep breaths every five minutes to stop crying. Maybe I will start praying again or maybe meditating. Maintain a mood diary. Think of bigger better goals to focus my attention now. I can fall back on some people in times of emergencies. Its hard I know. But I need to make it. One day at a time.

I need to heal. I won't let this become a part of my identity. I won't.

PS - Mom asked me again why she saw me cry twice and why my eyes were the size of mini golf balls and I broke down and she said we would find a way. That's what I need more. We'll fimd a way.
Although.. This is precisely what my mom doesn't need. :(

Sunday, July 19, 2015

This Shit.

This shit stops right here.

I just wanted to say this to someone but it probably sound so weird and funny like you know -

Hey!
Ssup?
How's life? Just btw, this shit stops right here.

Lol. Might just end up offending that person! XD

Saturday, July 18, 2015

#DreamDiary1

Whatte fun dream where I vanquished the bad guys!

Startes with someone asking my sister out. She went out in merriment - like casual dating, that's it! Then she started dating this guy whom she really liked (even I liked him), this guy went crazy. I remember that my sister and the nice guy were dining in the terrace (must have been third or fourth floor) and the previous guy goes ballistic. Starts throwing stones and keeps shouting like crazy. Meenal was like stay low but the guy was of course about defense and honour. He just replied 'kya bey' or something. I could see everything because I was inside the building (whose terrace they were on). It must probably have been my home then as I was supposed to be studying.
The mad guy went really maaddd. He was coming up to hit her or something or hit me. Suddenly I can't communicate with Meenal at all. I don't know where she is. All I know is he is after me. He knew I was on the top floor so I ran down from there and came down to the ground floor (where I met my previous PG's landlady's daughter - so apparently we were in the PG again). I asked if I could hide in the washroom. We locked the door and she asked me what was up. But I couldn't really explain because psycho man right outside the door and all. I took the sweeping lady's help. Went through the second door and asked her to inform me as soon as he came back with the keys. She stopped him and I ran off.

Scene 2
Seemed like my running away was futile because he reached home with his henchmen. Started locking all doors and windows, tying them together. My grandmom and were in the terrace area. *Yes again! *
We looked on as another man threw a big flaming torch onto the terrace. My grandmom starts getting upset and says I didn't want to die without marrying the two of you off. And I take off her sari hoping that we could escape by tying different cloths and tying them. But I come across a smaller cloth and just spread that out over the fire. It catches a little bit of fire itself instead of extinguishing it. Then I break out the water pump (like the one we have on our terrace!) with the tank's protruding metal pipe and the fire fizzles out. Then I use the same pipes to break open all the doors and get out.
Then I hear mom and dad's voice saying it doesn't matter if we have escaped. The ransom still has to be paid to that mad man. I guess they probably still had Meenal.

Scene 3
The ransom was to be dropped off at some place where huge pyramid type structures being made. A LOT of them. And so so so big. Like an industrial park but just a pyramid park instead. They were so tall even when they were partly built. Turned out that they were a part of Priory of Sion and hence the pyramids. Blame the Dan Brown books, man!
And it was 2nd October, Mahatma Gandhi's birthday. So they celebrate Lucifer's birthday that day. Haha. Yaaa. They indulge in all kinds of sins that time. This was told to us by a girl who was in the process of sleeping with someone. :P (getting others to commit the lust part of the 7 sins)
Anyway then I woke up. But I remember I had figured out a way to outsmart all of those guys! They had almost no leverage. I was going to win. Alas, I got up!