Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Babies

Everybody loves them. But have you really noticed them? Seen them?

How they reach for everything. Well, at least try. What they want, they try to get.
How they don't pursue what bores them. No forcing themselves. No second thoughts. Out of mind just like that.
How they get happy so very easily. Play a little peek-a-boo. Or just call out their name.
How they get amazed by anything new. The sights and sound delights them. All the little thing makes them so wondrous about it.
How they actually eat so much healthy stuff. Sure they don't choose to themselves nor do they realize it but its such a healthy and simple lifestyle! Nutritious food and lots of sleep and play. :)
How they don't want for much.
How they don't hesitate to call out when they are troubled.
How they ask for help when they want it.
How they are so innocent and honest. Very few things remain as unblemished as babies.
How they bring happiness and joy wherever they go.
How they absorb and process so much new new every single day. Their minds are like blank, fresh pages. So open and flexible to being moulded and shaped.
How they respond to love and love unconditionally.

There is so much to learn from everywhere really!
Come.
Let's be babies again.
Let's be naked again.
Figuratively.

:D

"Should"

*Listening to Iridescent after so long*
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
Build up hope and failure is all you've know
Remember all the sadness and frustration
Let it go
Let it go
*Love that music and that voice*

Remember how it all was when we were small? How good children do their homework and are tidy and put their things in place and eat all their vegetables?
Well, this kind of conditioning follows us into adulthood in the form of the word 'should'. Humans have come up with complex behavioural rules and parameters to achieve ends. Were your results good? You 'should' definitely take Science. You make good music or make good drawings? Well, you 'should' stop fooling around and focus on your career. You are friends. You 'should' behave in a particular behaviour. You 'should' be loud. You 'should' be fast. You 'should' be smart to get ahead in life. Is this your subject? You 'should' pursue it at least for two more years. You 'should; be composed, dignified and elegant. You 'should' be a lady. You 'should' know better. You 'should' respect her because she is elder to you. You 'should' be virtuous.
Then its other variation 'should not' creeps in. You 'should not' shout. You 'should not' talk about others.You 'should not' wear black for marriages. You 'should not' be an open book, shouldn't show what you feel. You 'should not' bow down, give in. You 'should not' waste time.
This list is random but you get the gist, right? All these restrictions we are conditioned with and some we impose on ourselves. All it does is bind us down. If there is a perfect benchmark you try to go up to, it is good unless you push yourself to the point where you just stumble, you can't jump those hurdles no more. Sure, there should be some basic things you try to be, The most important in this case would be identification. What are just fluff things you see and want to be and what you really really want to see yourself be. Don't make a long demanding list. Because change always doesn't mean an improvment. Even more important is to relax while it happens. Let yourself loose. Stop stiffening up. Because you learn a little everyday. Everyday. :)

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Honesty

I wonder what makes honesty so tough.
Why is it so easy to lie to leave alone others, but to yourself? But if yourself, you cannot hide if you listen. You eventually understand your lies are just a cover.
Maybe because sometimes the truth is so hard you learn to repress it. So, if you lie to yourself enough, every time the thought comes up, the truth would get reduced to a shred.
You stop being honest with yourself so that every thing becomes less real. Like if you don't say it, don't admit it, it didn't happen. You hope to change history.
You lie to seem updated, to seem smart, to seem like you are one of them. You lie because maybe the truth is just too embarrassing.
Sometimes you lie to protect others. Sometimes to protect yourself from others.
And if you feel like people will not understand at all, you don't even bother to be honest.
Is honesty like a chink in the armor? Like being honest is a sign of weakness? Has revealing yourself truly, with all your strengths and weaknesses, been reduced to a form of submission?
When people see you in that new light do they end up feeling different about you?
Are you then, actually pushing them away?

Honesty is good. But lying is easier.
Honesty is acceptance. Honesty is letting yourself go. Honesty is an understanding to change for the better or satisfaction with the same. Honesty is a step towards healing.
For how long could run? Until you are spent and burnt? How long could you hide, could you escape? Escaping by avoiding is like sticking your head under the sand. Its simply no good.
Endeavour to be honest.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Thoughts in Motion

She was lucky to enough to get the window seat this time.
She loved the winter sun. It didn't scorch. It warmed. Inside and out.
Trains made her aware.

Aware of the distances.
Aware of the love she had left behind at home.
Aware it would still manage to cross this space.
Aware of the many journeys she yet had to take - so much of the distance she had to cover alone.

She became aware of the beauty.
The shimmering waters.
The shining tracks that raced alongside her.
She observed the ground and soon they just became green and brown vertical stripes.
They reminded her of the rings of Saturn.
The  majestic mountains witnesses to so many changes.
Those vast stretches of forestlands with their little huts
Harbouring secrets and stories that would forever remain untold.
She was curious.
Curious to know what the nature all around her felt and thought of them.
Curious about if the trees could speak, would they weep?

She felt like she was in a movie.
So lost, so deep in thought.
Life all around her going on.
She made stories about the people she saw.
She became aware of how absorbed were we.

The music in her ears soothed her.
Brought actual relief.
Pained her, agonized.
She listened to those creations speak of madness and love and the power to heal.
And she became aware of those magical men.
Aware of how they changed the world in their own ways.

She saw the small deserted stations
She saw the little children wave at her as she went by
Became aware of man
How powerful was he
He lived. He survived.
Rightly or justly she knew not, probably even they didn't have the time to care
But there they were.
Settled in far flung lands. Adapting.
Man had built bridges. Such strong ones. Carrying heavy loads but neglected until they developed cracks.
And yet just this morning, she had read of men burning bridges.
After all, he was a product of where he was -
Affecting everything, everywhere he was going to be.

The men sitting beside her had guns.
Rusted ones in calloused hands.
She wondered whether the window was same to them as it was to her.
Whether their eyes saw the same sights.
Whether they too gasped
Whether something this beautiful affected something honest inside
Whether they too wondered how perfectly man and animal had co-survived.
She wondered if she too would be stuck in the same rut when she grew up
Whether the poetry would stop.

She sighed.
There was enough time.
Too much already to worry about.
To just enjoy the ride.
To capture every beautiful image she was blessed with just by peering out
Blended together, they were a beautiful visual symphony.

So there she was.
Alive and aware.
All because of a train ride.

She sat. That's all she did.
Sat.
And let her beautiful sun whom she couldn't see
Lull her to sleep.

Introduction :D

Time I got around to give a proper introduction.
Also, I will keep updating this introduction because I have so much to say and I digress ever so often. It's like my favourite hobby.

Hello! I am Khushboo. I am 20 years old. College 2nd year. No clue what I want to do with my life.
When I write, I stop being my awkward self. I plan to never stop writing. Writing is good.
My first entry is lame. But I didn't know what I wanted this to be. I thought to not make it personal, but it's me in the end. I make everything personal. No, seriously. I started blogging for real when I was down and out. Speaking here felt secretive but public and out there at the same time.
I sometimes get affected by stuff and I write about it. And I am also a bit lame - I like all the praise I get, so I have decided to go public like realllyyy soon.
I aspire to be a better person, really. Also, a better writer. To read more, to do more.
I want to see things that will take my breath away and I hope one day I will do so.
Umm, new things scare me a little bit but then life, according to me, is beating the crap out of your fear and doing things anyway.
I find beauty in simple things. This sounds ultra cliched. But I know I can be happy.
I am also conscious that by making this blog public, my freedom of speech goes away. But then freedom of speech never really exists. I mean, you always have to be conscious of what comes out of your mouth because saying the truth always hurts people and all of that area. I figure there is nothing wrong with making it personal if its the good kind, but even that could end up hurting someone.
I think all that is to be said in this world has already been said, just the way of saying it keeps changing.
Currently, I am listening to Chris Martin. I was really devastated by their break-up. Yes, I made it personal again - like it was all happening to me. And no, I am just not accepting that Coldplay might not release a new album. All that is nonsense. Not happening, bro.
I have really horrible dreams. Almost all the time. I don't wake up screaming but recurrent themes include Armageddon, bloody people and my friend dissing me. Weird stuff.
I talk a lot. Smile a lot. Sing even more.
Just got scolded this morning in fact for talking during Math class. Her words - You talk so much. don't you ever feel like listening to the person who is blabbering so much on the other side. But it's pretty easy to drift off in her class. I tried to stop after that so as to not disturb her. I lasted just for 45 minutes.
I am at day 31 out of the 100 days (of happiness) thing.
Brandon Stanton and Sister Flavian are my heroes.
Oh, I am a Capricorn.
I come from Jamshedpur. Jamshedpur be the coolest.
Umm, this evening I was thinking how hating someone back just because they hate you is such a waste of space on the inside. They hate you for a reason but to trouble yourself to hate others is exhausting. I thought about other things too - like how you can be judged for every action. Incorrectly thought how life is a constant cycle of disgusting people and getting disgusted in turn. Haha.
I tend to use 'but' and 'and' a lot. I am trying to rectify that.
There is a lot more but let's not disclose it this way.
I hope you enjoy reading what I write.

:)

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

10 Reasons Why

Forget about the deep rooted securities and all of that crap, I hereby present some very real everyday reasons in addition to my previous post why I am a dating challenge!

Gifting - People may deny it all they want, but soon gifting becomes an integral part of a relation - out of the goodness of their heart or otherwise, it just comes in! But its difficult to gift me. I mean I like receiving clothes as gifts but that's just because I need clothes and I am too lazy and bored to shop myself. Accessories are mostly kept unused by me. I use only my trusted backpack which cuts out even purses and all. I like many things, but I don't really belong to a particular fandom. I mean I really pity the people who have to gift me every year. *sigh*

Can't stop talking - You may think your life is important and what you think is important but seriously nothing is more important that what I have to say. Nothing. People just can't fit in all the stuff because I won't stop talking. Also, I just might add whenever I am not talking I am singing. I sing faaarrrr too much by normal standards. I also sing tacky songs a lot. Say a word and I will have a song ready. Or who knows, maybe just make one up. No biggie. I mean half the time I don't even know the correct wordings anyway.

Can't talk - Right about now, you might be thinking that the previous point has some advantages when it comes to introducing to other people. Some things I just can't do, like talking to new people. Want me to meet your friends? Can't talk. Want me to meet your family? Can't talk even now. Just no.

PDA - Let me clarify. I am not a hater. Its okay to a certain extent when other people do it. But, I have only recently realized that hugging is normal. So, you get the idea. And inspite of thinking it is normal, I still can't initiate them. Lol, no. I end up awkward hand shaking.

Unhealthy attachment to things and people - This one is rather interesting. My life and deeds are like an open book to some people. So, umm, by default, everything about you will be shared too. All your gory life details. Be rest assured about that. And as for the things, I call Doodle my best friend sometimes. He was my first soft toy. And I am twenty years old. Earlier, when I was young, I used to feel bad about choosing one outfit over the other. True story. The sentimental value I attach to random things is downright hilarious sometimes. And oh, totally left out my backpack, I carry it everywhere I go. ^_^
The point to note here is I rarely talk of people so fondly.

Constant source of embarrassment - This I can totally be. I point at things, I suddenly talk loudly, I spill my burger fillings. I can even jump on roads, be unaware of all that is hep, wear rubbish clothes and launch into an endless Hindi tirade on how being materialistic is useless from a chapter I studied back in the tenth standard. Also, I liked using the word 'kashmakash' a lot. I am bringing that back soon. I don't know what exactly the Hindi part is doing here. Maybe its embarrassing to some people but mostly I think you are just seeing point 2 in action.

Confused pedestrian - Ever been put off by that confused pedestrian you have tried to pass by but had to go through the left-right-left dance because the other person couldn't make up his mind? I am the other pedestrian. Now if just walking is such a big process to me, think how fast I am with important life decisions. I just can't decide, make my my mind about anything until I go through the whole left-right-left dance in my mind. Imagine now talking to a person who just can't rest his mind and churns the same thing over and over. Annoying, right?

Won't dress up - I am a firm, firm believer in not dressing up for someone you date. Once, or twice maybe. But I think you should always look your worst around them. I can't explain it properly but it goes something like this. If you are dating someone seriously, you kind of plan somewhere in the back of your mind to marry them. Every morning that you are with them, you are not going to dress up. So why bother now? Dressing up for yourself is pretty cool. This is blehh. So, I am going to try looking my ugliest!

Slow eater - I eat really, very slowly. It once so happened that I was dining with a room of people. All of them got up, I was still eating. The men came and swept the room, I was still eating. Another batch of people entered, I was still eating. Waiting for people until they finish eating is good, so, haha you. And no, you can't share my food after you are through with yours.

Overwhelming honesty spoiling other people's jokes - Trying pulling someone's leg or taking someone's case by lying to me, then watch it all go to waste when I spoil it my honesty. It is not good in other ways too. People hide stuff and all of that to protect others and what not. Me? Ask me truthfully and I shall answer honestly. Kills people's moods sometimes, this overwhelming honesty. Makes them feel bad and guilty. Wanna try? :D

Disclaimer - No, I am not sad abou this. Nor do I obsess about it. I just thought about it and it seemed funny! =]