Thursday, May 28, 2015

Winds, Darkness, Silence.


She closed her eyes. And thought hard.


Was it the wind that did it then?
Her company. Her noisy listener.
Was it the wind that was the balm to a sore soul, the tired soul? The adhesive between the cracks, the glue that held it all together and made it okay - just as the paper had been before she had torn it into pieces and let the winds fling them far away.

Was it the night?
The darkness interspersed with the brilliance of the stars. She was a part of something bigger then, as she watched the humans struggle to survive below her, providing the necessary white noise.

Was it the silence?
The silence that let her reconcile with what she was thinking and feeling. That calmed down the restlessness and the misery that was so hard to fight.

All she knew is, they made her stand up again.
And in that moment, she couldn't bear to open her eyes.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Palace of Insecurities

I am so obsessed with this phrase. I am pretty sure I made it up. It now won't exit my head. Its like God's sign that I should do something with it. Here below lies my substandard effort. :P

It was not a path she chose
For the story starts when she was too young to understand roads
Grossly overlooked because of her missing front two tooth
The palace of insecurities laid their foundation since that time

She grew, she saw
She learnt but then she failed
Now every time anyone asked her a question
She stopped
And the palace of insecurities laid more bricks - a question a time.

She grew more and then confusion stepped in
What to be or not to be
People loudly and boisterously chose sides
Her only fault?
She couldn't decide
The Gods laughed
And added colour to the insecurities in her mind.

With every no she was told
With every time she was cut off and spoken over
The moats dug deeper
And the drawbridges closed
The insides of her mind were a terrible place

Some things she just felt, she couldn't explain,
They didn't last
She saw it rot, darkened and fading from the inside at the same time
And the place of insecurities grew stronger in her mind

By this time
She could glance into her mind
And tried to make things right
She sought help
She sought love
She sought company
Anything to help her around this time

But that was when she realized
There wasn't anybody because her palace that protected her had separated her
From all such simple joys
She was a prisoner in her own palace
And maybe she would live forever trapped in her mind.

PS - Not based on me. And the insides if her mind were a terrible place is also a phrase I love but sadly, wasn't coined by me. :P
Maybe I should have given a happier ending!

Wish someone would have told her at that time
Wish they had freed her
The tormentors who'd broken her
Were prisoners in bigger palaces
They were not perfection
They were a plea for help too
Unheard, like her, in their time

Maybe its still not okay. But I had to get that phrase out of mind!!

People Over The World

"Right now, there are people all over the world who are just like you. They’re lonely. They’re missing somebody. They’re in love with someone they probably shouldn’t be in love with. They have secrets you wouldn’t believe. They wish and they dream and they hope, and they look out the window whenever they’re in the car or on a bus or a train and they watch people on the streets and wonder what they’ve been through. They wonder if there are people out there like them.

They’re like you, and you could tell them everything and they would understand.  And right now, they’re sitting here reading these words, and I’m writing this for you so you don’t feel alone anymore."

I don't know who wrote this originally but it always, always makes me feel so nice inside. :')

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Dearest Komal :)

Hiiee Komal!
You are going tomorrow and I am sad and I didn't even give you a proper farewell or even Sach Much Aam. So, here I go, devoting this post solely to you. :)
It's the least I can do. I mean I have loved you ever since you bought me that balloon (outside that place where we had Langar) against Meenal's orders. And then you gave me Crookshanks. We struck through the whole Shantiniketan trip.
It's true I haven't known you as long as the others have but I wish I had. You are just so special and different and nice. I think I know you, that we've talked enough. We've shed a tear or two together. And you leaving this place makes me sad. It's also true that this past year I have been irregular about meeting up with you but you shouldn't have accused me of not missing you when you leave. Ptch Ptch.
Yes, you're my senior and you have often tried to remind me of it. And I have even slapped you. Haha. No, that person stalking me was not your fault. It was bound to happen. But its ultra-cute how you suspiciously asked me where I was going and with whom from the next time round.
You are like the softest person EVER. And just so cute. And so child-ish. And yet so responsible! I wish you saw that in yourself. Stop listening to all the Tannu Aunties and the Mannu aunties and their daughter's achievements. I hope you get some clarity to realize its all crap. You are worth millions of them. And anyone who makes you feel like crap, belongs to the commode - irrespective of whether you've known them from school or whatever. I hope you stop and ask YOURSELF once what you really want to do.
Most importantly, STOP accommodating people all the time. It's your life and if you have to turn a cold shoulder to others to remain happy, by all means, do so. No, 'dil ke sab acche hote hai' is a lie. People will walk over you and run you to the ground if you let them. Nobody, no girl or boy, is worth your tears. It just frustrates me to see you bow down all the time. Goodness is not about giving your all always, its about giving where giving matters.
Maybe it is not my place to say all this and most probably this will not have any impact on you because you are you but live your life. You only get it once. And its yours to live, to enjoy. Everybody is not your responsibility. But you are yours!

Enough of that.
I hope your kindness does not find a reason to get stamped out of you.
[I mean you got Ranjeet to talk. The child who has been mum since three years. Oh by the way, love how you two are. Pretty sure he won't forget you. :D]
I wish you success to your heart's content! :)
Let the showers of blessings on you be endless. :)




Lots of louve.
I will miss you loads.
You are beautiful through and through.
I truly mean it.
Hope you know that and remember that always.
Time will pass, but the KK shall live on.

From your new self-proclaimed girlfriend who is number one over the million other people who adore you -
Khushboo :D

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Music as Religion!?

Clearly, I was a little bit unhinged in my last post. Now, I have calmed down like 50%. You know how? First, I put on my headphones. [Technically, not mine - they were borrowed :P] But the music just wasn't loud enough. So, here I am, sitting right smack in the middle of the terrace. Listening to songs as loudly as I wish to - its still not loud enough - but I can at least sing along. After I finished singing 4-5 songs, I felt something come out of my system. I became conscious of the fact that I was breathing heavily. I felt my hyper die down a bit, my mind rest for a bit. And then, since my eyes were closed and I was leaning upon my laptop to hear better, I imagined someone coming up from behind me and hitting me with an iron rod on my head [SO Ghajini!] right where I was. In that brief moment, I didn't mind dying like this one bit. I was happy and at peace.
That's what music sometimes does to me.
Yeah, I know it means a lot to a lot of people too.
But my mind went back to something I had been thinking of sometime back - music being followed as religion.

I looked up a bit, and I confess there were other pages defining the characteristics of religion differently, but this one seemed more apt and more suitable for my purpose.\
Here is a list of what the characteristics of organized religion should be -

Common Characteristics: (family traits)
  • notion of a deity or absolute, that which is of ultimate concern and importance
  • ideas on the nature of human beings
  • the idea of divine providence, destiny, fate
  • the idea and meaning of human history
  • problem of evil explained
  • description of the central problem of human life and suffering idea of an afterlife-life after death
  • a concept of the world
  • ideas of human community and ethics-a moral code 
Source -http://www.qcc.cuny.edu/SocialSciences/ppecorino/PHIL_of_RELIGION_TEXT/CHAPTER_1_OVERVIEW/What_is_religion.htm

And then you think of music.
Notion of a deity could broadly mean your favourite artist(s) - whose personal life happenings you start taking personally. :P
But it does happen. Just recently. there was this whole spate of girls cutting for Zayn. Not very wise. Just that it happens.
And the rest of the things ARE expressed in songs. They do speak of humans - where we have come from, what we are and they do speak of death and hauntings. In fact, they mainly speak of who we are - our weaknesses and strengths and hope and joy and you know it! Because everyone has felt that tug of relatability at least once. No, more than once!

Yes, I haven't framed this properly.
Yes, this is very abstract.
But it is worth lending a thought to.

PS - Not so much as dying peacefully as being a scaredy cat. While I was sitting there, someone switched off the light and then I became blind in the pitch blackness and I did susu in my pants and came running down. Damn that light put off-er! *get it? :D*

Edit - Put-Out-er. I stand corrected! :P

Its Time to Drunk Talk without Drinkingg

I am in one of those moods where I want to talk shit that doesn't make sense but no one is free or doesn't get it.

So, in the future where will I be?
Maybe I should go back to my roots you know. Not my roots but just roots. Like the farming roots. Agricultural colleges and all.
Then I will act all fancy and sell organic foodstuffs and have high teas.
But nothing that pretentious, you know.
I can't be all crossing my legs and wiping my chin with a pretty embroidered handkerchief.
I prefer the pig in a dirty pigsty dirty.
Which somehow reminds me of Shrek, just about the cutest thing everrrrr! :)

A talking job maybe?
There must be a thing where you must be paid to talk. Easiest thing ever.

But all of these are not really my dreams. These are the products of a very blah day.

Hahaha. Just had a thought. People keep talking about how you should follow your dreams. The day before I dreamt about murders and false implications. Oh, just btw, I always almost dream of murders.
Now imagine a dreamy glint in my eye, a knife in my hand, reminding myself to follow my dreams. Literally.
Hahaha.

I will be a happiness manager. Making graphs and handing out bills and shit just for devising ways to get your ass happy. Taking to amusement parks or leading you to treasure hunts or gifting you a money or yelling you get a caarrrrrr. Jk. If I take up this job, I am most probably going to kick your ass out of my office for being so grumpy and purposely trying to be dissatisfied with your life.

I could settle with being a crappy writer. That is my style.
I am so funny also naaaaaaaaaa. Thanks yaaaaaaa.

Do they have people whose work is to make dreams come true? That would be fun.
Or someone who at least helps you recognize your dreams. Then its all on you.
That's humankind for you. Wanting someone else to think for you.
That's me.

All I know is life is no good if you haven't had a good poop in long.
And home is where you can poop for however long you want.
No, I am not constipating.
And no, I am not studying.

Maybe.. potty manager? :D

Lol, ok, byethanks.

If you are on my WhatsApp, I am coming to disturb youuuu! :D

Saturday, May 16, 2015

My Happiness Journey - Days 91 to 100! :D

#100daysofhappiness #day91
Happiness is daddy getting discharged from the hospital. Welcome back home, daddy! :)

Also, a little bit of redemption. I did in fact grow up today. :)



#100daysofhappiness #day92
Happiness is papa teaching me how to bowl with this ball. Well, at least showing me how he did it. Papa laughing at my jokes. Papa talking. Papa being normal. :)
Amul chocolate ice cream :D
Finally convincing papa to go to a better place to get cured. :)
Supportive people all around willing to help.



#100daysofhappiness #day93
Satisfaction that the best is being done for dad.
Happy for mum's backbone.

Being more responsible than I was yesterday.
:)



#100daysofhappiness #day94
Papa getting so so so much better :D
Being responsible a little bit more than yesterday
Tasty food :)
Waking up to compliments :D



#100daysofhappiness #day95
An evening with my songs. After a really long time. Specially 'Somewhere Only We Know'. :)
Happy because my Kaka is so so good!
Still getting high off yesterday's praise. :D



#100daysofhappiness #day96
Mani Square food court meal after which kaka realized I need ice cream. :D
Papa's hugs and kisses.
Getting back to my book.
A blanket to keep me from getting cold.
An ice cream when I wanted one.
A little bit of self control. A little bit of aching for days past.
:)


#100daysofhappiness #day97
Comfort food and babies like Samaira work wonders when you feel drained.
Also, senseless distraction through smartphones. *can't believe I am saying this*



#100daysofhappiness #day98
Papa getting discharged :D
Finally learning the dance on the song I wanted to since WHEN!
A strong worded letter from my sister being really clear for my dad.
Puchkas and ice creams.
A cold shower to remove all the stink and filth. *yeesshh*
Clearing things up and maybe going back to normal finally.
:)


#100daysofhappiness #day99
Scooty rides. I miss feeling the wind in my hair. :)
Spending the night with mom and dad comfortably.
Finally getting to do my favourite step.
Chocolate shake and vada pao. :D



#100daysofhappiness #day100
I am happy that I am alive. Alive with a mind that works (slowly but steadily :P), that made me produce this while simultaneously sending impulses to my hand to type this. Alive with a heart that can feel so much and yet can be so contained.  Alive with all these facilities I have which I am guilty of sometimes not fully utilizing. Alive with the hope to one day do those things I am unable to finish today. Alive with all my dreams which I continually spin. Alive only because of the people who help me live my life. And I save these for the last because this took to me the longest to realize and I do forget it ever so often - Alive with the ability to see myself as I am. Alive with the freedom to be what I want to be, to change myself as I want to, when I feel like it. Alive with a prospect of a better tomorrow. Alive with the determination to become the best version of myself.
It's over now. Haww.
:)



PS - I did continue till Day 114 but then it just wasn't a challenge anymore. Got kind of boring! :P

My Happiness Journey - Days 81 to 90! :D

#100daysofhappiness #day81
Happiness is unexpected cool breeze on a hot summer day.
Doing it alone.
Chatting.
Lemon pepper drink. :D
Stupid jokes.
Summer nightdress. Waxed skin. Summerrrrr. :D



#100daysofhappiness #day82
My surprise birthday party :D
It was perfection. :')



#100daysofhappiness #day83
Going to college all dressed up and my friend complimenting me so much and doing my eyes.
I did my hair today.
Completed another book off my reading list.
My package FINALLY reached after having major panic attacks
And birthdays. ^_^



#100daysofhappiness #day84
Realizing what impact these little acts can have.
Was giving a farewell to my teacher and she became so emotional. Gratitude moves people. Love moves people. I hope many people get to experience it.
Teachers are wonderful in the way they affect so many lives. Happy we could thank her. I am glad we could make her happy! :)



#100daysofhappiness #day85
Quotes like these that help me be a little less sad.
The fact that I found happy things for 85 days straight. Suddenly I am so thankful for this exercise.
Today, I didn't force myself to do anything I didn't really want to.
^_^



#100daysofhappiness #day86
When all goes right and you have wasted your day good and well enough, you realize that life is about happiness. Smile a lot lot and make others smile the same way too.
Also, my favourite people in the world dispelling my fears. God honest don't know when I will stop thanking them. Just for being who they are.
My card being discovered and loved and being the best and favouritest. Yayayayayay. ^_^
Also the murmurations. Beautiful video that one! :)

[Here, go see it - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRNqhi2ka9k]



#100daysofhappiness #day87
Going out (to a new place) and choosing clothes and being confident about my choices. :P
My sister bringing stuff for me. :D
LOTS of new movies :)
The fact that I am going to write now :)


#100daysofhappiness #day88
Mummy makes me happy. Daddy makes me happy.
3 cups of ice cream.
Writing cute real life things.
Making origami.
Watching Frozen Fever. :')



#100daysofhappiness #day89
Having a teacher who also understands you. :)
And this party with tasty food.
And a familiar home I am now resting in. :D



#100daysofhappiness #day90
Cappuccino ice cream :)
Creating happiness at 1/3rd the Magnum cost.
Movies and sleep. Specially Zooey Deschanel and Dr. Spencer Reid after so long. Though the movie wasn't that good.


My Happiness Journey - Days 71 to 80! :D

#100daysofhappiness #day71
Happiness is having people, places and memories. So much missing that it could physically ache. I don't know what I would do without them.
:')



#100daysofhappiness #day72
Eating 2 dosas and 1 plate sambhar vada for under 50. Shocking people by eating that much. Soda.
Also, nutty roll after SO long.
^=^



#100daysofhappiness #day73
Delicious and filling cheese paratha.
A dessert on a hot day.
Prospect of a little bit of future profit.
Sorting out notes.



#100daysofhappiness #day74
Happiness is your sister getting to intern where she wants :D
Also, studying after a really long time. :P
And also, unexpected self permitted day off. :)


#100daysofhappiness #day75
Happiness is crossing a car at that exact moment when your name plays out in a song you like so much! :D
Also, khichu after so long.
And spending under 10 on food. :O


#100daysofhappiness #day76
Cheese soup.
Doughnuts.
Lunch at JalapeƱos
Having Harry Potter doubts.
Matilda.
Hot Wai Wai for cold.
^_^



#100daysofhappiness #day77
A very good soup. Therapy for my nose.
A friend getting food on a sick day!
^_^



#100daysofhappiness #day78
Sister breaking silence after a week. With all the right questions. ^_^
Dahi puchka. Because dahi puchka means home. Although they aren't as brilliant over here.
Andd, finally completing the card! :)



#100daysofhappiness #day79
Happiness is trying out Kolkata's number 1 puchkas.
Getting an ac metro with places to sit - rare occurrences ! :D


#100daysofhappiness #day80
Happiness is a well rounded day - college, chilling, good food, reading, sleeping, going out, eating, getting some work done. :D
tarting on a new project, a new surprise that looks very promising! :D

My Happiness Journey - Days 61 to 70! :D

Been meaning to write since SO long. Had been studying. Not break-ing that much really. Actually even my breaks were reserved for a certain project. Also, didn't want to disrupt the happiness thing with some unrelated post in between. So, I shall ccontinue,

Watching the world
Watching them all go insane
Look at them all
Look at them do evil things
...
Nothing Really Matters

Discovered this song recently :P

PS - I love love love love this chhat! <3 Please don't rain!

#100daysofhappiness #day61
Happiness is going back to my pretty little city ^_^
To home and every beautiful within. :)



#100daysofhappiness #day62
My bed. My Doodle. <3

These cuties! Sleeping with them is just the best. :')



#100daysofhappiness #day63
Happiness is seeing a thank you video by my sister this morning. :D
Sticking to mom.
And hugging dad.
And seeing a guy blow bubbles.
Missing people.
Knowing people more.
Having paneer.
Baking a cake
.
Life's good. :')



#100daysofhappiness #day64
Reliving old days. A 7 hour journey. :D




#100daysofhappiness #day65
Happiness is finally FINALLY coming back to an empty *clean* room.
A long cold shower.
Discovering long forgotten savings and even a clutch on cleaning a section of my cupboard.
Throwing away the not necessaries.
Having a bed.
Having people.
Escaping bad dinner and having two cups ice cream instead.
Unexpectedly missing another day of my oppressive college.
Its a good day =]



#100daysofhappiness #day66
I cried like fuck.
People want me.
Maybe I don't suffer from hiraeth after all. Maybe my home is not fictional.
:')

[Can't attach the pictures. Nooo.]



#100daysofhappiness #day67
Sleeping and waking up to the loveliest messages :)
Trading in my pants for my jammies after such a long hard day
Turning in early after a tiring day


#100daysofhappiness #day68
Really cool, icy cool watermelon.
Heart wrenching movies.
Old people. They are so cute. :')
Helped, actually tried to help one.



#100daysofhappiness #day69
Happiness is my cute daddy. ^_^
He will really get better soon. :')



#100daysofhappiness #day70
Getting my feet stuff in order. :D
Cleaning my shoes and a pedicure :)))





Monday, May 11, 2015

My Happiness Journey - Days 51 to 60! :D

#100daysofhappiness #day51
Happiness is a Lindt chocolate plus finding a squished Cadbury in my bag kept since I don't know when and another Diary Milk being gifted by a friends's mom. :D
Eee. :D



#100dayofhappiness #day52
Happy food four times a day - naan paneer, pizza + bread +drink, chilli chow + iced tea + friends show, potato cakes with peas/ragda patties. :D
A semi confrontation.
Decision to sleep earlier than usual.
Realization that I am halfway through the challenge! :)



#100daysofhappiness #day53
Happiness is home cooked meals with lots of grease
And falling leaves
And blog posts.
:D
[the picture I'd mailed doesn't seem to match! O.o]



#100daysofhappiness #day54
Happiness is a one man party on the terrace :D
Also cookies :')



#100daysofhappiness #day55
Rooftop parties.
Three ice creams.
A little bit of bitching.
A lot of support.
:)



#100daysofhappiness #day56
Dosa man being backkk :D
Collective Om chanting.
Being a rebel! :)



#100daysofhappiness #day57
Happiness is being home alone. :D



#100daysofhappiness #day58
Happiness is two new nail paints which your friends parents get from London! Such pretty colors! :D
Happiness is a very full stomach.
Happiness is the luxury to have a bed to sleep on.
Happiness is having enough things for the things to have proper places.
Happiness is learning not to depend much. Time and again.



#100daysofhappiness #day59
Stalking a random guy with your friend while eating a burger.
:D



#100daysofhappiness #day60
Finding friends in FRIENDS. :D
The amazing self control I am exhibiting right now.
Twinkling stars. :')


My Happiness Journey - Days 41 to 50! :D

#100daysofhappiness #day41
Happiness is buying pretty flowers for yourself and then gifting it away :)
Thinking of gifting things is sooo goood :D



#100daysofhappiness #day42
Happiness is Valentine's with your girlfriends :')



#100daysofhappiness #day43
Meeting old friends in those old places. :)



#100daysofhappiness #day44
When someone tells you their handwriting could never be as good as yours. :D



#100daysofhappiness #day45
This guy. :')
Some people you just reach out to through your computer screen and love them with all your heart unconditionally and just wish you knew them better. *sigh*
[after effects of The Imitation Game]



#100daysofhappiness #day46
Windy evenings. Friends. Talk. :)
Its a simple life we lead really!
Also, getting elected as sub rep and my sister praising my writing. :)



#100daysofhappiness #day47
Good food and good weather.
Daal, chocolate mousse, Belgian Chocolate ice cream, puchka!
Tasted crushers and spaghetti tooo.
And such good weather. Listening to your favourite old sad songs. :)






#100daysofhappiness #day48
Happiness is an energy giving shower when you are so so so tired and a little bit down.
Dancing in the shower like a retard.
Fresh pyjamas after shower!
Having memories with your sister.
Making a fake Oreo Shake. :P



#100daysofhappiness #day48
Finally, finally getting my daily food expense under 100.
Also being the joker and forcing people to waste their time!
Someone drawing for me ^_^



#100daysofhappiness #day50
Happiness is realizing its good to be who you are. To be gentle, and to not hate, to not hold grudges, to not talk about people unnecessarily and to be able to feel sympathy. Realizing you are in a good place.

Also, being really very lazy on a Sunday. Very lazy.