Tuesday, June 30, 2015

The Unfinishes Ones.

I think what sucks more than sad endings are the unfinished ones. Unless well, sad endings result in gory deaths after a lot of torture.

Sad endings make you sad and make you grieve. You still do process the emotions. But the unfinished ones? They gnaw at you. You think about such stories everyday. All those words you didn't say and all those feelings you couldn't say - you live with them. With unhappy endings you know it wouldn't work. You knew you tried. And then came failure. Some sort of satisfaction. And you can maybe think of moving on. How do you move on from something that never happened? And worse, what if you die, still with that gnawing, that irritation inside?

Here's to all that has remains unexpressed.
Hoping everyone gets the chance to reveal their inner person.

In other news, I want to talk. Grieve some. But I kind of can't talk about it. So letting it go with the best of wishes for myself too.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

An Account of Someone I Know.

Did anybody else ever feel like that?
She wondered.
When you wake up in the mornings and all you feel is cold inside?
When you replace your 'Good Morning' with 'I can make it today' while looking at yourself brushing and then force yourself to smile?
When you need to hug something to feel a little warmth?
Because hugging someone just makes it worse.
You could dodge, duck, divert
And you would know it was never enough
For it was inside you. It was you.
Was it possible to feel so down on one of the happiest places on Earth?
To go through the motions -
But constantly watch yourself, control yourself, prevent more hurt.
To be your own personal physician
To monitor and chart your insides regularly
To adjust them to prevent yourself from becoming an anomaly

All this regulating made her think
How does everyone do it? Weren't they insecure or scared?
How could you prevent the questioning and the cross questioning?
Were all of them blind?
Time was fleeing
Every second meant change
What is here now was going to go away
What was theirs wasn't necessarily going to stay that way
You had somewhere to reach
But you're already lagging behind
You've failed enough
All that you've missed out on
All that you wish to be a part of
To catch up, was there time?
Now that the monster had finished its hibernation
It fed and grew strong
It closed her off in isolation
Created even more fear.

She was distraught for there was nothing to blame
Did that make it a matter of shame?
People helped. Dependency ruined.
Why couldn't she be like Mrs. Dubose - 'beholden to nothing and nobody'?
It wouldn't matter how much she cried, spoke or wrote
She could possibly never explain how real it was; how difficult the struggle was,
When those phases took their course
Just being was the key.
Music was the key.
Normal was the key.
Laughter was the key.
Less was the key.
Self was the key.
Now was the key.
All she perhaps wanted and didn't really know
Was someone to tell her it was going to be okay in the most humane, understanding and non-patronizing tone.

Staying Neutral.

Staying mentally neutral is a gift, I realize. Staying blank protects you from yourself. The more I think about it, the rarer it seems. How many of us can really say that we are actually focused a full 100% on what we are doing? Even right now, while I am typing this on my phone, half my attention is on the top of the screen, for new notifications.
For some people, its harder to escape this prison. To maintain calm. Its a funny game actually. Because you yourself are the prisoner and determine his behaviour, you also are the warden of this prison and you decide the punishments.
Punishments? Funny right? But its true. How many times has your mind created problems where they weren't any? How many times has it pushed people away? Or made you drown in your misery? Make you feel sorry for yourself?
If only the antidote to over-thinking was easy to find! You could try meditating, talking it out, whatever. But the mind still feels like a ticking time bomb. A venomous snake. Which renders you immobile in the end.
I have found that if you tire yourself out, you won't think as much. But any other suggestions to just stay afloat mentally are more than welcome. It is so much better *sometimes* to take things at their face value and not read too much into things. But as I said, some people find it harder to escape. I can think of miraculous solutions that can never happen. So I want a more conventional way! :P And that too fast. I can see it doing harm. Not only spreading poison in my veins (lol I had this mini attack which feels even more scary in the dark and so I chose to write about it - to placate that feeling of.. Of.. I don't know.. I guess helplessness) but harming others as well.
If only.
Till the next time.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Constant Scaredy-ness

I know I could have just typed constant fear, but after Moody's 'Constant Vigilance', fear didn't seem all that appropriate.

So, what happens when you start fearing losing something?
What do you do then?
Face your fears or just deny them until they conrner you and paralyze you?
Hide things away and hold on to them so tightly that it all starts slipping from in between your fingers? Or just avoid it from the start, have an aloof approach, tell yourself you don't want it, so that it doesn't sting as much?

And and and, no wait! What would be even more hilarious?
(I just saw 'Silver Linings Playbook' yesterday and want to use the word parlay)
What if like a parlay parallel thing happens to your fear - whereby you are already afraid and then you become afraid of being afraid? That becomes some next level stuff. Unstable stuff!

Either way, the outcome of fear can't be good!

Reminds me of a quote I had stored away a long, long ago. Like had to open my PC ages ago -
"When you see the beauty somewhere, when you fall in love with something, the next impulse that comes in you is to possess it, have it.. and, when you have it, it loses all its significance."
I had been thinking of this quote as rather untrue in the past couple of days. I always thought you value things over. There is another angle to it, I realize. It does not lose its significance because it stops being beautiful. You just can't enjoy the beauty because you are blinded by your fears. The fact that it is here and now and yours gets its weightage reduced because of your weird wiring.

Oh, humans! XD

Wednesday, June 24, 2015


Today I decided to write about only happy things. My head feels super clear today and this is going to be my weapon against major boo-boos. I asked quite a lot of people their happiness feels and these are the responses. I advise you to not read it like some random listicle but rather try and enjoy whatever applies to you. :)
It's long but strong. XD

Baby elephants.
Potty after a long time. Okay fine, relieving yourself after a long time.
Winning an intellectual argument.
Mother's love - specially a mumma hug.
Waking up to a text that says you matter or that you should smile more or that you are missed.
Getting wet in the rain.
Genuine apologies.
Honest compliments.
Good hair days.
Daddy's love.
Chocolates. Them melting in your mouth actually.
Ice Cream. That extra scoop.
Reading a good book.
Feeling motivated.
Having direction.
Finishing your work.
Peaceful sleep.
Walks. On windy days!
Songs that captivate you so much that you are incapable of shifting even an inch.
Relating to movies and quotes and books.
Suddenly realizing one day that you've got over it or you aren't afraid of it anymore or that you've outgrown it.
Early Mornings.
Late Nights.
New clothes.
Surprise gifts.
Tea when it rains.
When your crush smiles at you or talks to you.
Hot shower.
Cold shower in Kolkata in the summers.
Favourite songs playing on a shuffle.
Beaches. Walking on beaches. Your feet touching the water.
Class cancellations. Some kind of additional pleasure when it is a college Math class.
Fresh, bright flowers.
Rain dance.
Flattering pictures.
Taking off those jeans and that pair of horrible shoes at the end of the day.
Games like Life, Taboo.Winning stupid childish games.
Getting complimented that you're funny.
Sing-a-thons at your loudest.
Being the favourite. :')
Dancing to old tunes.
A long drive.
Sleeping underneath the stars. What's even better? Sleeping underneath the stars on grass.
Fitting into an old/ a desired dress.
Candlelight dinners.
Re-watching old movies. Sappy gooey ones. Chick flicks.
Birthdays. Birthday gifts.
Fast bikes.
Getting all sappy just because.
New book smell.
Train Rides.
Sunny afternoons in winter.
Finding money randomly.
Coconut chocolates.
Sitting by the window.
Soup on a rainy day or when you have cold.
Coffee on a winter evening.
Clouds. Specially out of an airplane window!
Making someone happy. Being the reason behind someone's smile.
Saying thank you.
Realizing (in a good way) that you are so indebted to some people that you could never repay them - parents, teachers, staff, friends whoever!
Home alone.
Your pet soft toys.
Wasting time.
Hopping and skipping.
An indulgent nap.
Finally one-upping your sibling or at least finally getting through their thick skin, just enough to annoy them.
Believing in certain public figures so much like musicians and actors that you really don't feel they could be bad people and suddenly you're planning your future with them and you totally belong with them - how could you not with the strong attachment you feel!? ;)
Meeting old friends.
Meeting new people.
Learning something you like. Learning anything new - instruments/language/dance.
Adventure Sports.
Kala Khatta golas (with extra salt!).
Harry Potter.
Dressing Up.
Happy dancing at loud parties.
New Shoes.
An amazing boss.
Meenal and Khushboo. *that would be mom*
Your children doing well.
Getting respect, getting importance because you are old, wise and wrinkly.
People checking in on you with actual concern.
Waking up to your husband's and baby's face.
Looking at your baby play and grow.
Unhealthy, tasty food. Cheesy food. Going to that favourite food joint after a loonngg time! Franks, Amar Market, Manish Chat, Jagdish Gola, to each his own! :D
Passing when you're pretty sure you wouldn't. Getting more than 60. Jokes.
Something you create unexpectedly becoming amazing.
Creating something of your own, really. Appreciation for something like that makes you a queen. In my mind, of course.
Self enlightenment.
Realizing that that shit doesn't matter.
Going out. Letting your hair down.
Good grades. Knowing the answers.
Perfect days.
Travelling with friends. Possibilities of adventures.
Getting high on sleep deprivation.
Moments which while you are in want never to end.
Feeling loved.
Forehead kisses.
Happy Endings.
Warm hugs. Unexpected hugs.
Home coming.
Mommy-made food.
Cold coffee.
Being good at what you're doing.
A good swim.
Best friend time.
Time with your friends.
Admitting you're not okay, making a scene and then getting on with it.
Meeting someone after a long time.
Fights getting resolved.
Finding it difficult to say goodbye to someone/something.
Your hard work being appreciated/paying off.
Looking back at memories.Photo albums. Better yet, slam books,
Old book smell.
The perfect dress.
Sharing a good laugh about how big a deal things were in the past and how silly they seem to be years later.
People you can be yourself with.
Not having to set an alarm after a crazy ass exam.
Kind people.
Old people.
Babies and everything baby -  baby videos, baby laughs, baby hands, baby feet, baby smell, baby touch, whatever baby thing you can think of! :)
Pets. Them brushing up against you.
The weighing machine needle going down.
Dad's big hands. Big hands really.
Smiling like an idiot because no wrong can bring you down.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The Mind.

Waiting again. Frustrated again.

Some more waiting made the anger go away and then exhaustion set it. All the fighting that she was unaccustomed to, all those misery and lies. Nobody made her feel this way. They were all so level-headed, So... stable.

Yes, there were many other stable people but none as intoxicating. None that made her leave her shell. None as infuriating but endearing at the same time. None who did as he wished but was still responsible. None that made her feel like their own that way. None as reckless but safe. None she dared to dream with her eyes wide open. None she had come to learn to depend on,

None that could make her feel as miserable. None that could trick her with their words. No one she broke ties for. No one as whimsical. But whenever she asked herself why, she knew the answer. Because in those few moments she did not feel like a plain Jane. All other things paled in comparison. It felt unadulterated in its goodness. It made sense even when all logic was against it. Yes it was true then. Nobody made her feel that way.

So she did wait for the whirlwind. Waited for it to make her feel alive.


Just realized something today! It's actually a remarkably healthy sign to be afraid of dying, specially when you are young.
Because to be afraid of dying means to want to live. Which means a reason, a desire, a goal. Which means attachments.
This meant three things to me!
You can't really be not happy if you are afraid to die.
You can't really be aimless if you wish to live.
You can't really be unblessed if you want to stay behind.

Today. I don't know for what reason, I was afraid to die.
Took me quite a while to realize that it was in fact, progress!

And to remove all the blues, I painted a little yellow in to my life. :)
Haha! I am so funny!

Monday, June 15, 2015

My Life at this Moment in Time

I always worry with the capitalization of my title. What should be in capitals? :O

Anyway, today is a worrisome state of affairs.
Sickness changes everything. It changes how you see people and changes how sensitive you are. And as a caretaker, if you are one, you simply can't fall apart. I read this list of today, quite randomly really, on Quora about how to behave with the terminally ill. Depressing.
Other than that, I don't know when I am going home. While it is true I am with mom and dad, so I can't really be cribbing, but home is home. Because homeeee. Felt that ring of niceness that comes with saying home? :)
Plus, GOT to meet Deepak among other people. Really missing having him around and tell him my really boring tales. This time around I miss him more - can't explain why. Probably to catch up on all the lost time. Also, I will finally get the ice cream he owes me since over a year so that's a bonus. Home. :)
And no matter when I go home I might just have to come back for the 21st of this month - already bought the tickets for the Vir Das show.
Even if I do arrange for someone else to take my tickets, I have to be back by the 30th to shift.
And shift to where? I have no fricking clue where because I haven't found a place. The few places I did see made the place where I currently live seem amazing. But there have been issues. I don't know. Plus I gave my word that I am shifting. So that's that.
And the exams I have from the 8th. Maths. I just have to pass them but I don't know if I can even just pass. I should probably take my books home, but who ever felt like studying at home? Home is pampering and good times and happiness. Not breaking head over Math. But I HAVE to pass these.
If I say all this, then I am 'irritating' and 'complainer-boxish', but how can I not worry? There is no time! And its not something trivial - I just might end up homeless and also be a failure.
To add to that got a visit from the friendly monthly visitor just after thinking how difficult it would be to cope over here.
Also, the courier I have sent out to my sister. Her birthday present still hasn't been received by her 15 days post her birthday. More than 15 actually. I already reposted it once. Won't do it again.
I got scolded for doing 'kich kich' when I was just being chirpy. Yet I know they want me to be chirpy. I wish adults would just stop being so confused all the time!

No cheerios.
Only bye.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

The Best Response Ever To 'Go Die'

If I die you will cry. If you cry a lot, your eyes will get irritated. If your eyes are irritated, you will rub them too much. If you rub them too much, you will get an infection. If you get an infection, you will become blind. If you become blind you will not be able to see the traffic coming towards you. And then you will get run over and you will die. And I can't let you die because I love you. So I can't die.

- Aanchal Arora

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Hey Mom! :D

Hi mommyy

So now you know what I have been upto! :)
Welcome to my world :D
I hope you have fun.
Although a little disclaimer - there might be some things which might be very new to you.
I just hope you get pleasantly surprised.
Try to view things unbiased - like you are reading some random teenager's blog. Oh wait, I am not a teenager anymore! :O
Anyway ya, be gentle. There might be some awkward questions. Ummm, I hope to avoid those.
In the end, I just hope you have a few kind words to say to me.

Happy Reading :D

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Like a moth to a flame.

This phrase really, really intrigues me. Something that drives you, pushes you, calls you to itself. And then you stop existing. That dazzling light guides you. You circle it endlessly. You wish to make it yours. Only in the end, you are consumed by your own desires. You cease to exist and become a part of something else. You know it's fatal but yet you can't stop. You choose to get consumed. Its something disastrously beautiful - well, in theory at least. It feels like literature. It feels human.

Here is the scientific reason why it happens. If you open the source link, you'll find some other alternative theories refuting it and giving other explanations. But here -

"Around the world, moths make kamikaze dives into light bulbs and open flames with such regularity that they have their own idiom. What is it about lights that make moths so crazy?
For a long time, scientists blamed the moon. Moths used the moon as a navigational beacon, it was argued, keeping it at a constant angle to their direction of travel in order to fly straight. Light sources used by humans, whether they’re campfires or porch lights, threw a monkey wrench into this system. The moon is far enough away that the angle between it and a traveling moth isn’t going to change much, even after the moth flies a great distance. With a closer light source, though, the angle changes considerably after only a short distance. A moth confusing a light bulb or candle flame for the moon, the hypothesis went, would notice this change and attempt to correct its path by turning toward the light. After just a few course corrections, the moth would set itself into a tightening death spiral towards the light and eventually crash into it, either going down in flames or thwacking its poor little head."
Source - http://mentalfloss.com/article/28574/why-are-moths-drawn-flames

An Excerpt From Princess Diaries 10 by Meg Cabot.

 “Seriously. What is wrong with my family?” I asked, with a groan.
“The same thing that’s wrong with everybody’s family,” Michael said. “It’s made up of human beings. Hey, quit sniffing me a minute and lift your head up.” I lifted my head and looked at him. “Why?” I asked. “So I can do this,” he said. And kissed me.
And as we were kissing, and the late-afternoon sun was pouring in all around us, and the other couples were swirling around us on the dance floor, laughing, I realized something. Something I think might be really important: This princess thing, which four years ago I was convinced was going to be the ruination of my life, had turned out to be just the opposite. It’s actually taught me things, some of them very important. Like how to stand up for myself, and be my own person. How to get what I want out of life, on my own terms. And never to sit by my grandmother while crab is being served, since it’s her favorite dish, and she simply can’t eat it and talk at the same time, and half of it will end up all over whoever she’s sitting next to.
It’s taught me something else, too. And that’s that as you get older, you lose things, things you don’t necessarily want to lose. Some things as simple as…well, your baby teeth when you’re a little kid, as they make way for your adult teeth. But as you age, you lose other, even more important things, like friends—hopefully only bad friends, who maybe weren’t as good for you as you once thought. With luck, you’ll be able to hang on to your true friends, the ones who were always there for you…even when you thought they weren’t. Because friends like that are more precious than all the tiaras in the world.
I’ve also learned that there are the things you want to lose…like that hat you throw into the air on graduation day. I mean, why would you want to hold on to it? High school sucks. People who say those were the best four years of your life—those people are liars…. Who wants the best years of their lives to be in high school ? High school is something everybody should be ready to lose. And then there are the things you thought you wanted to lose, but didn’t…and now you’re glad you didn’t.
A good example of this would be Grandmère. She drove me crazy for four years (and not just because of the crab thing). Four years of princess lessons, and nagging, and insanity. I swear, there were moments during some of those years when I gladly would have beat in her face with a shovel. But in the end, I’m glad I didn’t. She taught me a lot, and I don’t just mean how to use appropriate flatware. In a way, she’s the one—well, with Mom and Dad’s help, of course…not to mention Lilly, and all my friends, really—who taught me how to appreciate this royalty thing—another thing I wanted desperately to lose, but didn’t…. And, yes, in the end…I’m glad.
I mean, yeah, it sucks sometimes, being a princess. But I know now there are ways I can work it so I can help people, and maybe, in the end, even make the world a better place. Not in huge ways, necessarily. Sure, I’m not going to invent a robotic surgical arm that’s going to save people’s lives. But I’ve written a book that might, like Michael said, make someone whose loved one is being operated on by that arm forget about how scared she is while she’s in the waiting room. Oh, and I brought democracy to a country that’s never known it. And okay, these are small things. But one baby step at a time.
Still, the most important reason I’m glad I turned out to be a princess, and that I’m going to stay one forever? If I hadn’t, I highly doubt I’d have gotten this majorly happy ending.


Sometimes, the worst fights you have are with yourself. Well, I can't generalize because I don't know but the some of the worst fights I have had were with myself.
I know this comparison is used very frequently but its really true.
Its exhausting, the swimming against the tide. You push and you push and you push. You fight and struggle. Yes, you get somewhere but relieve yourself for a moment. Stop the struggling. Feel the energy when you get to swim with the tide instead of against it. You might even enjoy the sea. Let your heart decide for you sometimes and let it flow. Whatever you decide, its okay. It works for you. Because you do know what you need at that time.
Life isn't about being hard on yourself and living by lists or letting society put your thoughts and relations into boxes. Enjoy being someone different, someone unlabelled. There is SO much peace if you can convince yourself of that. So much energy in that which could be otherwise used productively elsewhere. The relief of not letting your mask slip. Hah!
Forgive me for going into economics, but maybe its something like supply and demand. You choose a thing you want, a person you want to be. But its difficult because there is no supply of others like you, so you don't know where you fit in, It is definitely better to get over it though. Even if you are wrong, the next time you will demand something different for yourself.

Till the next time. :)