Friday, July 31, 2015

Busy, busy, busy. Lol. Not really.

I can't believe I have had nothing to update all these days! I last updated on 20th and then my college began. College means getting up at quarter to 7 because I take a lot of time to get ready, college from 8:30 which last on some days till 4:00 p.m. Anyway I don't like going back to the room once I am out. It's a thing. Like today we were dismissed at 2:30. Time I chose to return? 6:30.
Well, follow up on that last depressing post. I am much, much, much better now. A friend helped me out too. Showed me how things have a solution if you sit down with them. So, ya, anyway. wasting time.

While I was trying to figure out what to do with my life after graduation yesterday, I came up with this list of things I should be doing/can do right now:
1) Take up a virtual writing internship. Content writing if nothing else.
2) Take up a single EdX course that doesn't require as much investment in terms of time but is fun and useful.
3) Strengthen my basics. Maybe I won't know extra stuff but be good at what I am being taught at least.
4) Look up things for the term paper I have to write this year. Qualifies as a little bit of extra referencing!
5) Kick my phone and read more.
6) Write up one or two economics articles from time to time - just to be in touch, you know.


Other not so crucial but got-to-do things -
6) Organize, organize and organize! My laptop, my home computer, my bookmarks, my college notes into different folders.
7) Copy down notes.
8) Go shopping.

Took some personality tests yesterday to determine what career suits me. While I am still thinking it over, my 'inductive reasoning' is strong. I am an ISFJ person - 'The Defender'. Interestingly, medical field would have been good for me. Interesting because I had never even considered medical. Ever. I even went through some other people's views where they ask you to list things you are passionate about. If the list wasn't a page long at least, it meant you hadn't done or explored enough. Mine wasn't a page long.

*sigh*

Oh, and also, former president Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam Azad passed away and it was a terrible thing. He was a really nice man. I was reading about him the just the day before he passed away. I would have written about him but I admit I need to read up on him before that though.

Toodles! :)

Monday, July 20, 2015

My Story.

Remember all those people you keep asking why they are crying? And they said nothing? And you get annoyed?
Well, I wouldn't be lying if I said nothing.

Yes. I suffer from irrepressible urges to cry all the time, without any reason. At least, without any substantial reason. I say suffer because its hard. Its hard if your natural reaction to everything is cry - your mom hugging and sleeping you or you saying bye to your favorite soft toy or reading a beautiful Humans of New York post or seeing your dad suffer or a sad animal or just thinking about crying. How can all of these elicit the same response?

You feel stupid and weak and vulnerable because you feel everything with such intensity. And then you start to question. Is all your feeling actually imaginary or self made? Are you pretending to feel? If you feel everything with the same intensity, is it even called feeling then? Or just an excuse to be miserable?

And the worst of them all is crying for no reason. Its the worst because you don't know how to combat it. You start shielding yourself from things that hurt but how do you start shielding yourself from no reason? How do you stop?
Even after crying you feel drained. Exhausted.

After feeling so confused then, you try and turn towards people. Make no mistake though. You've already talked yourself into a dozen fresh starts and a dozen better tomorrows first. You try taking a dozen projects because that's what stops your mind from going into overtime.

When I was smaller, I used to have a bad day or two in between. Even then it was pretty cool, I had people to always cheer me up. Everyone was free-r then. Sometime last year I started confiding again. It was getting way out of hand. But its kind of different now. Now everyone has their own tests and trials and worries. And I don't even blame them. I am never ever alone, the people who matter have always told me that. But its hard to remember that when you are battling alone and trying to quell all the swelling inside and you can't say anything about it because you'd just end up pushing the other person away. It feels alone when you are suppressing your thoughts.

Its all the more sickening when it sinks in that all this is happening because you can't even control your own mind and thoughts. Its scary to think about the implications this might have.

I looked for reasons yesterday. Two came up - depression and anxiety. It can't be depression because I am a 'silver linings' person and I am very grateful for all the things I have and all the happy days I can still feel. Also, depression is a very strong word and I can't even be that.

All I can be is busy. That is hard to when half your mind is concentrating on stopping your own thoughts and reminding you to be in the present. Imagine reading while simultaneously thinking this. And God forbid its a sad book.

While I know that people can't be at my beck and call, it would be nice if someone kept reminding me that it would be okay. I tried telling other people but I don't some and some it was never the right time with. I don't need people comparing my life with others because I know that I don't have real problems and oh, gratitude? I could write a book on it. Just makes me feel worse that I am letting everybody down. I don't need anger either. Or contempt. I have enough of that too.

I don't know why I wrote this. What I hope to achieve. I don't want pity or a mockery made out of me. It's a little patch of tough time. All I know is I want to put this way behind me. Look back and say I survived this. Because if I survive this I can survive anything else. I know. I can't be weak and need patience. Small, baby steps to combat every small bad feeling. Slowly. I didn't want to be left behind because of all these crappy things. But maybe I have no choice. I will try. I will succeed. Even if that means writing 'its okay' on all my books and notebooks. Even if it means taking deep breaths every five minutes to stop crying. Maybe I will start praying again or maybe meditating. Maintain a mood diary. Think of bigger better goals to focus my attention now. I can fall back on some people in times of emergencies. Its hard I know. But I need to make it. One day at a time.

I need to heal. I won't let this become a part of my identity. I won't.

PS - Mom asked me again why she saw me cry twice and why my eyes were the size of mini golf balls and I broke down and she said we would find a way. That's what I need more. We'll fimd a way.
Although.. This is precisely what my mom doesn't need. :(

Sunday, July 19, 2015

This Shit.

This shit stops right here.

I just wanted to say this to someone but it probably sound so weird and funny like you know -

Hey!
Ssup?
How's life? Just btw, this shit stops right here.

Lol. Might just end up offending that person! XD

Saturday, July 18, 2015

#DreamDiary1

Whatte fun dream where I vanquished the bad guys!

Startes with someone asking my sister out. She went out in merriment - like casual dating, that's it! Then she started dating this guy whom she really liked (even I liked him), this guy went crazy. I remember that my sister and the nice guy were dining in the terrace (must have been third or fourth floor) and the previous guy goes ballistic. Starts throwing stones and keeps shouting like crazy. Meenal was like stay low but the guy was of course about defense and honour. He just replied 'kya bey' or something. I could see everything because I was inside the building (whose terrace they were on). It must probably have been my home then as I was supposed to be studying.
The mad guy went really maaddd. He was coming up to hit her or something or hit me. Suddenly I can't communicate with Meenal at all. I don't know where she is. All I know is he is after me. He knew I was on the top floor so I ran down from there and came down to the ground floor (where I met my previous PG's landlady's daughter - so apparently we were in the PG again). I asked if I could hide in the washroom. We locked the door and she asked me what was up. But I couldn't really explain because psycho man right outside the door and all. I took the sweeping lady's help. Went through the second door and asked her to inform me as soon as he came back with the keys. She stopped him and I ran off.

Scene 2
Seemed like my running away was futile because he reached home with his henchmen. Started locking all doors and windows, tying them together. My grandmom and were in the terrace area. *Yes again! *
We looked on as another man threw a big flaming torch onto the terrace. My grandmom starts getting upset and says I didn't want to die without marrying the two of you off. And I take off her sari hoping that we could escape by tying different cloths and tying them. But I come across a smaller cloth and just spread that out over the fire. It catches a little bit of fire itself instead of extinguishing it. Then I break out the water pump (like the one we have on our terrace!) with the tank's protruding metal pipe and the fire fizzles out. Then I use the same pipes to break open all the doors and get out.
Then I hear mom and dad's voice saying it doesn't matter if we have escaped. The ransom still has to be paid to that mad man. I guess they probably still had Meenal.

Scene 3
The ransom was to be dropped off at some place where huge pyramid type structures being made. A LOT of them. And so so so big. Like an industrial park but just a pyramid park instead. They were so tall even when they were partly built. Turned out that they were a part of Priory of Sion and hence the pyramids. Blame the Dan Brown books, man!
And it was 2nd October, Mahatma Gandhi's birthday. So they celebrate Lucifer's birthday that day. Haha. Yaaa. They indulge in all kinds of sins that time. This was told to us by a girl who was in the process of sleeping with someone. :P (getting others to commit the lust part of the 7 sins)
Anyway then I woke up. But I remember I had figured out a way to outsmart all of those guys! They had almost no leverage. I was going to win. Alas, I got up!

A Quote-ful Day!

Today has been a day full of quotes from here and there -

Some scary ones (which I am pretty sure were not to be interpreted in the context I interpreted them in) - Listen to me, he said, when your dreams are of some world that never was or some world that never will be, and you're happy again, then you'll have given up. Do you understand? And you can't give up, I won't let you. (Forgot the source).

Oh forgot it, I sceeenshoted the other quotes and I can't bother to look up their text version. I will upload them some other day.

I have always moaned about the fact that God skipped me when He was distributing the 'growing up' gene. I was worried I wouldn't know how to play the part when my time came. But these two years have taught me a lot. I understood what love was, selflessness was, what friendship was, what family was, what fear was and what pain was. That sometimes there seems no reason to anything. At least I think I did. Because all of these things are HUGE. And being I where I am, a college, I don't think all these emotions would be at their most intense. Maybe that's why people got to travel. To understand humans. Or maybe its the same everywhere. Who knows!?

College however, has taught me a lot. Let me correct myself - shifting out for college has. Now living alone is easier but it didn't start out that way for me. Some people are just generally excited about this way of life and all. It is pretty cool but I couldn't embrace it as easily at first.
I learnt that you are in fact an individual. And that's why you should never compete in terms of being a better person. It sounds screwed this way but I can't explain it better.
I learnt how important people are. And how to do your own thing. And how school people know you inside out and how amazing it is to catch up right from where you left off.
Recently I have also been been realizing its pretty much okay to loosen up, to say what you feel. Not like I have had any secrets.. Well, not any worthwhile ones. In any case, we have just one life. Where would we go with all the hiding and protecting others and all? In the end you will die. So why die miserable and in feeling loneliness? There are people to help you. True, they get caught up in their own lives sometimes. But if you really think of them as your own people, you shouldn't hesitate to barge open their doors and demand their attention. As a friend told me, its better to cry together with people than cry alone. Of course, I say all this in good faith. :)

Which brings me to the concept of 'new normal'. Like when things were going normal and okay. Then things deviate and you are just kept waiting for a long time for them to change back but it just doesn't. And finally it dawns on you that your current situation in fact is the new normal. I think of this in terms of my dad. But right now I won't talk about it because it hurts me to think so. I know so many people have it worse and I am thankful that I don't have enough reason to be sad. And the support we have is incredible. :)
The problem lies with my terrible mind with its terrible thoughts which has terrible dreams!

I see people around me doing much better than me at things I am supoosed to be doing. I see others who others who have every reason to curl up and give up but they don't. Probably because if they did, it would be impossible to get back up, and because of the chain system everybody else's life would be ruined. So they just suck it up.

And me? I constantly feeling this.. This opposite of void. Its like a swirling, churning, melting pot of these emotions. And they have no business being inside. But they're there. Its hard to begin some days feeling so annoyed. So you wish for all of them to go away but if they really did? I think I would be reduced to nothing.

I am what I feel, aren't I?

PS - I JUST pissed off my mom by not having my breakfast even after the third time she asked me to. Should get going. Let's end with a link to a happy thing - http://doodlealley.com/2013/10/28/fun-gets-done/
And http://doodlealley.com/2011/11/21/turn-your-pain-into-plans/
And http://doodlealley.com/2012/10/10/be-friends-with-failure/

Basically that whole website. Its SO good! :)

Sunday, July 12, 2015

A Big Shout Out! :D

You know maybe we've been taught wrong. Maybe happiness isn't supposed to be our default state. I mean we are supposed to be happy, but tears aren't weak! Everyone always tells you to be happy but no one teaches you to how really process your other emotions. Maybe you go through it to learn.
Lately, I have been talking a lot to my friends, my family even. [Although with family, its different. They just want to protect you and all if you're younger to them and so they don't tell you things and you have to keep your eyes open] Heard them suffering. And I think they are really strong people. To be destroyed, sometimes even repeatedly, pointlessly and of course needlessly. Sure there are cracks - clearly visible. But they are still standing and smiling. This makes me believe that the cracks will one day disappear too!
And with my mom. I am today wishing to be super-glued to her. I am besotted by her strength! Lately even more so! *_*
On a side note I am thinking about my mom and her 2 S's - strength and sentimentality. Meenal got all her strength and I ended up with all the sentimentality! Hahahaha! XP
I hope she doesn't worry about me now. Why would she worry? Because I just held onto her today. Told her everyone was so sad and I don't like everyone so sad. Its hard to say all that but maybe its good that I did!
I only hope if I have to face such tests, I have as much courage as them. A big shout out to them. You're doing okay. More than okay. :)
I feel lucky!
Specially with my friends too. I know its hard to comfort be because half the time I don't even tell them what's going on - never told them about dad and all. So to have been supported anyway?  To have been pulled up by them? That's pretty cool.
So yes, I feel lucky and at peace! :)
[And just imagine, today was not even one of those days when you wake up feeling today is going to be all right. Oh no, no!]

Also, with dad. I saw him sleep and he is so cute and I forgot I was ever angry with him. Haha. All these guys ever want is for you to be happy. And that is a reason to be happy. Because someone cares for you! <3

PS - My online friends, if I have any, thank you for helping me make it to my 1000 views! :)

Friday, July 10, 2015

Because #ILTAM

I thought of this hash tag - so that I don't have to explain it every time I talk about myself. This hash tag = I Love Talking About Myself.
Its raining crazy over here but obviously can't hear anything since everything is shut and all. But lightning is lighting everything up and I don't want to sleep.
Right now, I don't know why I have this sudden urge to show someone my mind - say to them - welcome to my mind and this is how that crazy shit works.
But I know myself well enough to know that it will take some time before something like that happens.
I felt guilty about making my blog so personal in between but then, I Googled what a blog is and it is supposed to be a kind of a journal. So!
I have horrible cough and cold and spells of headache in between and a very sore throat. My friend potentially has chickenpox! Thankfully the honours papers are done with and only the general papers are left or else she would have had to repeat a year.
Sometimes (lol, many times actually, who am I kidding?) I think about life. I think it should be like a blank white canvas you know? And then you just fill it. Those of us who have been to a drawing class, the very basic art courses will know that these somehow limit you. As in you are shown how to colour grass and what the perfect scenery should look like. But this canvas is without rules. Oh, just imagine the pleasure! Dipping your hands in those paints and running them along the huge canvas. Anywhere, free to roam. Just you and them colours. Sometimes you'll be blue, or you'll be green or you'll be yellow or you'll be red and sometimes black. Sometimes you'll be your favourite colour - you'll be stuck with for quite some time. Sometimes you will get stubborn and want to make it look like something you pictured but you end up disappointed or sometimes you want to remove that stupid blob that fell where it shouldn't have but it won't go away. But it won't make a difference. You know why? Because those ugly spots will fit into the scheme. Make perfect sense in the big picture. In the end its you again. Just you and all those emotions and colours and feelings. You and the wonderful scheme of things that came together.
You smiling at your masterpiece.

That is how I should end this post but of course I thought more. I realized why we fear death so. We want to finish that piece - to feel, to experience and to go places! Or we are afraid that currently we are so stuck that we aren't contributing to our own creation. I guess the only way out, is to add a little bit of colour everyday so that even if *God forbid * it ends up a little blank, you are going right where you want to be.

Simply Because They Have Done Their Time Too!

Suppose the husband has had a really good day with a good presentation and many compliments and a hint of a promotion. He is feeling invincible after so many boring days and wants to savour it.

On the other hand, the wife has had a really bad day. Her head was already paining and she had already soaked the bed sheet for washing and then the maid didn't even turn up and she had to do all the work herself. Her daughter was also home sick and so there she was tending to her too. She is waiting for the husband to come home so that she can do the remaining chores and then put her feet up in peace.
[Just goes to show how much harder the household life could be. :P]

In comes the husband. Him, extremely happy. She, just tired. What will be the outcome? She nags him to finish his food fast deflating his bubble or he keeps jabbering about how great his day was (not purposely of course but sometimes you just have to share happy news with some people! :D), thereby making her miserable too.

Sure both are technically "wrong". Spoiling someone's good mood as well as increasing someone's workload and making them feel irritated and not letting them vent and complain.

What both of them want is really basic and simple too. Just a ear. Just someone to share their day with. Right? But one has to give in and be understanding. Or else there is hurt and conflict. Also true is that one can't give in constantly too.

Its so true everyday. You expect your friend or your whoever I don't know, "your person" to be there. And then you suffer because the result was not what you had expected. You expect them to adapt to your emotions. But like you have been feeling the way you do the whole day, they too have been feeling what they have been feeling the whole day. It is fricking hard to change your headspace so quick. To be from sad to happy and happy to sad. Specially if your head says that so-and-so-matter is rather trivial. We forget that after being insise their own murky thoughts, people deviate and start worrying about tangential things too - like a typical bad day! It takes a lot to adjust because you will always want to share what you want to.

What's harder is when this 'adjustment' made by the other person becomes less often after some time. It puzzles you. But maybe, its just time for you to adjust now. Maybe, just maybe this is what love is. Forgetting that you are the centre of the universe!

Sometimes you let people be. Simply because they have done their time.

:)

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

To All The Words That Were Never Said.

Keep all the words in your heart, it will get congested.
Keep it all in your throat, it will choke.
Keep it all in your eyes, it might just not get reflected.

So say what you need to say.
And what needs to be said.
So that there never are any regrets.
Don't swallow them or they'll end up swallowing you.

But there is always that sign of caution!
Spew poisonous words and it will destroy you.


I don't know what I am doing with my life. Math exam tomorrow and I don't know jack. And its 1-15 in the night and I am running off to sleep already! Some things just..
Anyway, I never let my Jamshedpur water get over. As in, I filled it in my bottle and came here and now I refill it before it gets fully empty. So technically, I still have some home water with me.
It makes me feel smug and happy. Such a weird kid I am! Haha! Except you know, not a kid anymore.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Why I Can't Sit and Just Be.

I was just wondering why I can't just sit and be you know. Like just sit. Except for the fact that it's supremely boring of course. And I know its common sense but sometimes such things just hit me suddenly. :P
Its because even if you're just sitting (like I am currently), you are still leaving your trail behind. First you need a bed to put your bum on. You need toothpaste and if you are not okay with using your finger or a twig as a brush, then a real brush. You might shower outside but you need soap. You nedd clothes to wear and for these clothes you need detergent. You need food for your stomach. So ya, unless you know for sure that someone is going to make you very rich by dying or you are very rich in general, life will make you get off your lazy ass and work. No matter how much you don't want to! Probably everyone knows that but still.

See, its exam time now. Exam time means major thinking, major wasting time, major texting because you suddenly start missing people = major deep conversations and major sleepiness.

My life is a countdown right now.
9 days for my exams to get over. *Praise the Issa Massih that this day is finally coming - ya okay, I don't know how to spell it but I just wanted to be dramatic*
18 views to go to a milestone.
24 days for my sister to come home.

I am better adjusted to this place now. Don't feel that foreboding anymore. But sometimes I do wake up uneasy, but that might be the exams. The food here is pretty good though. I am not used to three times proper meals. My stomach almost can't take regular meals now. Haha.

Chris Martin had come for a visit to Delhi. That man. Of course no one ever comes here but I hope Coldplay comes here for a proper tour. A proper one because so many people want to see him here, in India. SO many. If only he knew how he makes me feel sometimes! :')

Also, ever played prediction-prediction with your friends? They guess where you will end up being? Well.. Its mostly a reflection of what you project about yourself. Their 'gut feeling' is nothing but their subconscious image of you. Ya, think about it. A friend told me that I may not being up being filthy rich but at least people will know me. So! :)

Okay lastly, compliments are soooo good to hear! One new aunty I met thinks I am awesome. Okay, fine, not awesome.. But really cute. :D

Haha. Cheerios.

Oh, oh, oh and -
"Sometimes the stars decide
To reflect in puddles in the dirt."

I really like the lyrics to this song :)

Chris is always there for me. Yay. :)

Okay now bye. :D

Friday, July 3, 2015

Cheerful Thought for the Day! :D

Everything will be okay.
Everything is already okay, you just don't know it yet! :)

- Meenal Velani.


*lots of deep, calming breaths*


Edit - Also, worry about later, later. :D

Change Sucks.

Well.. at least the shifting change does. Its not the physical exhaustion, no, I don't feel it that much. It's the psychological shit that plays out.
At least today.
I don't know if I'm making the right decisions anymore. And its stupid to dwell on it now, because what's done is done. The whole June phase that I was worried about? It's almost ending now.
But I miss familiarity. I miss home. I want home the mostest the first day away from it.
All this compromising shit about where you stay makes me want to run away and go home - with no space constraints, luxury washroom time and just comfort! The idea of home itself.. doesn't it want to make you sniffle? Make you feel like none of life's struggles are worth it?
Or maybe I am the biggest anti-change person there is.
Maybe I just need sleep. Been missing out on it way too long.
Things please change. Exams please end. I want home. Again.