Friday, August 28, 2015

When we peel off, we are all the same.

Then why do we make it so hard for each other?
I had one of those awkward moments where I tried telling people why I was unhappy but they had their own reasons to feel the same!

Anyway, I just came back here because I think smart phones make people feel more alone. I wanted someone to keep talking for a while but well. I just kept waiting for the phone to blink. Maybe I will turn in early today. My net pack gets over today. :O

Lots of love today to all those who are struggling. Please find someone to talk to. Please. Don't give up. There is a way. And don't listen to those who call you weak either. :)

Happy 22nd Birthday Niloufer! :D

(A page from my diary)

I am too late. I had been putting this off since, well, the 8th of October. That was when Niloufer passed away..

Well the thing is I wasn't close to you. But whatever I remember is good stuff. Its was the starting of the college time/days. I was just sick. Because Malavika was kind of shunning me and all. She used to talk to you. So I tried to be friends kind of with you. Eventually that didn't work out what with you and the Khadjias becoming a group. But thank you for every time you did talk to me. It was a moment I felt less sick. So thank you. For those moments where you did make me feel included. Another story I remember is when you told me about your north-eastern roommate - the one who devoted an hour every morning to her hair. Haha. I still talk about it. And also that prostitutes one. Where you guys went on your excursion and well THAT happened. You told me how keenly your guy friends looked on, just staring at them as they lined the roadside! Pattaya was it? Rest all I remember is mundane talk. You sitting in the library with Khadijas doing reference. I used to look at you people and just wonder what was I not doing. The thing I feel most sad about is you had so much planned ahead. You worked shit hard. And it was all cut short. And that you always smiled. Never rubbed in the leg problem and refused to take the lift. Asking me how my paper was. Looking beautiful in that jumpsuit. :) Its already fading away little by little. Which is so wrong. And so i am writing down everything I do remember so at least I have the chance to look back. And remember you. I am terribly upset that it was all cut short. You kind of shook me up. Maybe I too don't have much time. The need to do.

PS - Aanchal tells me that you won a roomful of awards for athletics!? That's amazing. Knew so little about you. Ooh, I now remember a honeycomb outside your window. Or no wait, it was a guy who had come to cut a tree. And also your relative who just suddenly had a baby one day!
I am sorry I didn't come to say goodbye. Or write about you earlier. But I hope its peaceful now. I really do. Amen.

28th August, 2015 - We had this little prayer service. Still gives me goosebumps. I don't know how it gets. Or how it happens. I hope you're happy and at peace and looking upon your family fondly. They must miss you so much. Specially today. Be with them.
Happy Birthday :)

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

The People Diaries - 1! :D

Shristi Kothari!

"You're a fun bubble of happiness and smiles" aptly describes Shristi Kothari.
Anyone who knows her will automatically smile on hearing her name. She will say or do such scandalous (read : funny) things that there is never a dull moment around her. Although you get the feeling that she is such a kid for giving importance to really funny things, once you go nearer, you realize that she has a deep understanding of emotions and great reserves of empathy for what people go through. She is the reason half of her friends have decent pictures. Ever jumpy, hyperactive and a compulsive singer with the widest smile ever, I hope she never stops! :D

Here is an excerpt from a talk with her! :)

How would you describe yourself?
I am fun and bubbly and also pretty paranoid. I like to say I understand people. Sometimes, I form opinions and its hard to change them.

What are your strengths?
The people that I love but they're also my weakness (which has got to stop!)
The way I try to understand people maybe?

Okay let me reframe. What are the qualities you like most about yourself?
I guess that I love meeting new people. Even though I am a little shy at first, I really like to get to know people. Different kinds of people. And I like it if I am able to make someone open up to me.

What's your weakest point?
Waayyy too emotional - it clouds my judgements. Highly indecisive. Overthink a lot. And still finding direction in life.

And the people that you love?
Every little thing they do affects me. I think the amount I feel is intimidates people at times. At that time I feel like I am not enough - enough to make them stay or am too much for them to stay. This leads to my pushing people away which is kind of my biggest fear.

What so you want your story to say?
That I made people really happy. And I earned myself respect. And loads of friends.

What is a recent realization that you've had that made you think you were growing up?
I've stopped expecting much from people. I do still expect a little. But even when people disappoint, I've stopped letting it affect me as much. Like you can do your crap, it might hurt me but it won't break me.
After a rough patch I had, I leant how to be happy with myself. Like not depend on others completely for my happiness. And even though the people I love mean the world to me, I cannot expect them to carry all my weight for me.

So, a lot of good came out of your bad patch?
Yes, there was more good in it then I'd expected there to be.

And you meant you need people but can't always lean on them?
Yes. Everyone has their own burdens. You can't put all of yours on someone else and expect them to always carry it. It sounds bitter but its true - helps me be all right again.

How?
People affect me a lot but I think of this and somehow it gets a little better. I am reminded of how everyone has to carry their own weight. It gives me strength in an odd way.

Have you prioritized things now?
A little. I have the tendency of getting attracted to all the wrong things - things I know I shouldn't be doing but do anyway. So I have learnt to prioritize but I barely implement it in reality.

So what's your number one priority right now?
Stop letting others define my life. I want to live life on my own terms. In my own pace. And stop letting insignificant people affect me.

What is that one thing about you that you wished other people knew?
That I am worth knowing. :)

Monday, August 17, 2015

There is Nothing To Be Said.

Writing is an exercise of the mind and sometimes it even turns out okay. But like the day before, I fell short of words. I wanted to express, to note down, what I felt because there was so much crossing my mind but there was a lot of chaos. I could not even write a word. For the lack of them, I shut up completely. I just had this painting in my mind - not like I could actually paint it. There was this pair of lips on the lower left hand corner of the white canvas. From those lips came out rainbow coloured swirls, my hands spreading them further into the distance. There were stars admist them - colourless and black outlined ones. This painting was meant to depict everything. Everything. I wish I could say what I felt. It was so big and encompassing. It accommodated so much that it had to stop halfway for breath. And when it did so, it realized how exhausted it was from running off from everywhere and from everyone, that it just collapsed. The rainbow coloured swirl dissipated into nothingness, the stars stopped shining and disappeared and what the lips wanted to say went back to its dark place, buried under the ground where it belonged. And all this happened, the beautiful to-be painting faded, leaving behind no evidence except a frown on the usually smiling face. So inspite of its enormity, when someone asked what had happened, the only thing that was breathed was - 'There is nothing to be said.'

Saturday, August 15, 2015

I

I am not friendly
I am not fancy
I am not talented
I am not studious
I am gliding through life
I am an occasional liar hoping to get caught
I am the gladness of being asked after
I am the contempt I have
I am the uninterest in the opportunities
I am the voice that can't speak
I am the slackness
I am the ignorance I possess
I am the morbid and dirty thoughts I think
I am the selfishness
I am the unnecessary talk
I am what I heard, never experienced or felt
I am the opportunities I missed and the initiatives I never took
I am all the books I didn't read
I am all the people I consistently need
I am all the comparisons, jealousies and insecurities
I am the loathe that hates my self-loathing
I am the thinking that continues that way
I am everything that's wrong.

Hoping for a day when this feels right to me.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Hey! :)

I could probably talk about the new place I shifted to. My thoughts on my thoughts on my new place.
Or about the test I have tomorrow I know nothing of.
Or about the cutely comfortable dream I had yesterday.
Or about the mini vacation I had back home (everything's back to where it was now).
Or how I need to/am aiming to start praying again.
Or about the term paper I need to get started on.
Or how disappointed I am that I don't write as well anymore which has resulted in people not reading anymore.
Or how a reply I made in my class group ages ago is still bugging me no end. *get over it*
Or the really pretty cupcakes I had today.

Or I should just sleep. Too tired. Early mornings.

Good Night World! :)

She Forgot.

The harder she tried to remember
The more she forgot.

She tried to remember what her mother had said
To be a lady with her head held high
To know to speak and when to withhold
Everything with a smile
Showing no signs of strains of her inner mind

She tried to remember what her father said
To work hard and be kind
To be able to touch the skies
To do your best; somehow ensure it was better than the rest
As successful people usually did not have any visible vice

She tried to remember what the Church had said
That God was there
To believe in Him alone
To be righteous and kind
If it was meant to be, the pieces would fall into their places right away
Or else, it was understandably just a sign.

She tried to remember what the school had taught
This list was longest of them all
Be honest.
Be kind.
Polish your shoes.
Be on time.
Do craft.
Study hard.
Know a little of everything to truly shine.

She tried to remember the unwritten norms that she'd absorbed
The sharpness.
The crispness.
The boldness.
The dashing sense of style.
To be fun and to let loose
Never crossing the line over to the vulgar side.

She heard the things that were left unsaid
Caught them with her eyes instead
She read about freedom and love
The beauty of being who you are
Or did you have to tweak yourself a little bit to rise?
She got convinced about the author's arguments that travel was a must to open your mind.
She read about greatness and ambition
And how you betray yourself by your bodily postures and signs
She saw goodness in action and the fruits of potential.

She recollected everything.
Remembered everything.
Compiled a self help guide.
And this is a story of how she forgot.

She forgot to live.


Friday, August 7, 2015

Separation.

So what is separation really then, she wondered. Was togetherness just being together?

Is togetherness sitting next to each other in front of the TV set? Listlessly and blankly staring at those stupid silly ads day after day like empty shells instead of looking at each other?

Is it sticking around the whole day? Making wild plans? But then they never really listened to each other! Their attention was on their phones and the people and everything else. When you express your love by saying 'I love you' everyday but don't even feel a thing. Expression comes out of habit.

And what would you call the feeling of comfort a child gets with her/his soft toy? The anguish and great discomfort felt when this unresponsive shoulder is taken away from them? That had to be separation.

Was it when you weren't really together but every fibre of your being wished otherwise? Being separate doesn't change the fact that they were your people. So that whenever you met, you just pick from where you left off?

Or when the world says you have truly been separated. When you've buried them or burnt them and nothing remains. But yet, you wake up every day, feeling that nothing's changed. You've always been together with them and that will always stay the same.
"The ones who love us never really leave us."

Funny this world. Sometimes here being apart meant being together.

Lessons in Life : From my Sister's Life :P

Just two short things.
First, yes, if you're bad, it catches up witj you. All those people you saw? Gliding through life even when you knew they weren't good? They do pay. It's not a myth. Was good to know. Wonder if its true the other way round too? Like if I see someone not alone or miserable even after many, many years.. It might be true that they aren't actually horrible and I'd misunderstood them!? Does it work that way?

Second, I like advertising as a profession - which my sister is into. Simply because you need to be inspired for it. Every single day. Or it wouldn't work. I think very few professions do that - connect you to your depth. For me, that is a very important life goal - to be moved, inspired and yet updated on all that goes on! :)

PS - We are a whole family again after sp long! :)
Things like they used to be.
I had forgotten how annoying Meenal was but then I came home. I am not kidding. I had actually forgotten. That no good fatass.