Friday, September 25, 2015

The Day that Almost Was

Phone call at 1:34 a.m. The hospital said it was cardiac arrest. Mom stood up to get ready with calm. Meenal and me got up immediately. She wasn't sleeping. I doubt I was. I had been crying anyway because I could not bring myself to think positively. I saw a yellow light inside daddy but it hadn't been bright enough to spread everywhere in his body. I started hyperventialting. Meenal held my wrist tight. Asked me not to cry. Packed the car keys and mom's spectacles and got the comb for her. Meenal went to wake Kaka up. He wasn't sleeping either. Kaka woke everyone else up saying dad wasn't well. Meenal and me sat for a bit on the platform outside home facing the car window at the side which mom was sitting on. Mom waited for Kaka to get in to drive. There was so much urgency but there was calm. Hadn't expected that.
We waited for an hour. Started seeing GoT's next episode because well. I would start sobbing and like she said, your thinking won't change anything. She messaged Aanchal to give me the counsellor's number. Said I was blaming myself. Which is true - it was my fault. When I knew it was working, I should have done it more and not been lazy about it. Stopped watching midway because faiba came. Said my grandad had died on a Thursday and some other similarity according to the Hindu calendar. Called Kaka up after some time. Said they were coming in two. Didn't sound sobby.
Mom said dad was on ventilator and after 4 hours or so they would wean him off his medicines to see if he was doing okay on his own. But it was pretty clear. They started talking about dates and cleaned the rooms. I just asked mom whether he would come home because he wanted to so badly. I wished he would get that.  All that was there afterward was crying, weeping, comforting, praying and the worst waiting. Waiting. 4 would not turn to 5. All these random weird discussions. Sad discussions. I was surprised. You don't cry continuously, you know? It comes in bursts.
When you remember the ball he showed you how he himself used to play.
When you remember that it would be their 25th anniversary next year; when mom makes you remove the previous years card out of sight.
When you see the poster in the room that says - We missed you daddy! <3 Welcome Home. :)
When you remember how there was so much pain.
When you remember that it was his heart that gave away - the most perfect thing about his body.
When you see mom and worry about your family.
When you remember how you don't know all his stories well.
When you remember how he used to hold your hand and kiss you even though he wouldn't talk much.
When you remember what he said to you during his healthy days.
When you remember that they are going to take him away. Away.

Went and saw him. Its the worst. Seeing someone you love in pain is the worst. You say you love them and try to make them comfortable. I thought I would write everything in detail but maybe now is not the time. Have to face tomorrow. I will keep editing this space. I can't forget. No.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

What's on your mind?

What's on my mind is that I had too much of a good thing. So it was bad. I lived in the shadows for so long that I forgot that I could shine. When I finally did, I was just a candle admist all these brilliant colourful sparkles.

What's on my mind is that sharing is stupid. Senseless. I hate my phone and want to erase its existence. This ease of communication gives me a false sense of security. But its a lie. Everything is a lie. You're just supposed to be and process it in yourself.

Better get my ass to do some work.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Positive Vibes!?

So, dad has been pretty sick lately. The day before he had even be declared critical. Turns out the doctors weren't that familiar with the case and so, the prognosis wasn't entirely accurate. It was a day after mom's birthday. She didn't tell that to me or my sister. I don't know what kind of courage she has. Scary times.

I think of the finality of it all. More often that I would like, my mind wanders down a path I don't like. I imagine sad things. Distressing things. Situations. White. Future. I fear its attributing to papa's ill health in a twisted giving-out-bad-vibes way.

So, I decided to let my mind still wander but in a positive way, a happier way. Those will be the positive vibes that I will send out.

I imagine his digestive tract. The bacterial infection in his tract is all red and that's why it burns. I imagine cool, cleansing light blue, very light blue, the colour of ice cubes in science books. That colour washes through him, giving so much relief in that tract. The bacteria's die. I don't know. All I see is that everything becomes blue as it passes through his system and cools down the burning. Like a balm. All is normal again. He can eat and get his strength back.

He won't be a sad story; problematic health leading to the end. I see him as a miracle story teller. He will get old soon, and then like old people often do, I see him telling people how he braved what he is going through.

I see him kiss me on the cheek a million times. He would remember that he couldn't do it today because of that stupid mask, and he will treasure it even more.

I see him come back a softer man, a more patient man. He won't get angry much. He will be the boss again, as people who know him call him. He will be kinder towards the sick. He won't refuse to give alms anymore and we'll have to stop him.

I see him eating messily still. Mom and dad will be pretty old and mom will start to roll up his sleeves before he dines. He will always itch to eat what he shouldn't. Only that he might be a little scared to eat those things on the sly now.

I see him talking about the stock markets and blah blah. Maybe he will try to teach me a thing or two about what he is doing. He will be guiding us again, with his opinions. Worrying about us. Our careers. Oh, and most importantly, worrying about 'the competition' in today's world.

I wonder if our world will be the same when my kids group up. Would dad still be scared to pick babies up? Mom will be the strict, disciplinarian granny and dad the indulgent one. Wonder if he will still repeat the words 'consistency' and 'competition' as much. He would teach them cricket though, won't he? And silently disapprove as I teach my kids not to believe in Paryushan.

We will have family get-togethers. Dad will play his songs and mom and dad will sing along while we get bored to death. We won't be the sad family, we will be the family that ticks. Dad will be so much more loving you know? Because of all this. Maybe our house will finally be made.

Every situation can be turned. Right now, every story has a good end. Give the good ends a fighting chance dad. Give it. My positive vibrations to you. Stronger than always. :)

Monday, September 14, 2015

Its Only Words! :P

Random words to string into a story some day :

Terrace
Clouds
Compartment
Flooded
Titanic
Loudmouth
Different light
Pretty
White
Relax
Shook off
Fart
Excuses
Fast moving
Phone's Revenge
Non-living best friend
Undead best friend
Dysfunctional
Distance
Time
Physics
Weirdo
Kbye

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Gibberish.

Listening to The Escapist. Such a powerful beautiful line -

And in the end we lie awake
And we dream of making our escape

:)

You know how some things are? Just so beautiful in their simplicity. In their normalcy. Suddenly these things are not normal anymore. So you hold on even closer. All it is is sand slipping from between your fingers. The tighter you hold on the more you're really letting it go. Ever seen A Lot Like Love? "Don't. You'll ruin it." Maybe these are the hardest of all moments. When there is so much to explain to show to justify but you withhold it all because it will actually ruin it. You got to know when the sentence ends. Where to put a full stop.

Am again so tired today. Should have probably gone to sleep. But I refuse to
sleep. I am mentally exhausted too. Trying/Learning to be calm and patient through the topsy-turviness. Half the battle is holding on and going on with it. Just not giving up. Deep breaths are the most brilliant things. Physically too my body is all tensed up. Since all of us have been keeping up late at nights these guys just left my room so I could sleep because I was so tired and sleep deprived that I looked drunk.

Just switched off my phone. Nearly two hours ago. Keeping it so until I wake up tomorrow morning. I feel tempted to switch it on again but I just need the time-out. Time outs. :)

Wondered what to write about right now. Saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall and not a nice movie. Light but chuckled just about twice. My nosey is stuck in my nose. Like how I can make it all about myself here and not feel bad about it. Coldplay = comfort. Always.

This reminds me whoever reads this has to go watch Wake Me Up by Avicii at least once on YouTube. Its on number 30 on the most watched video list which is not so bad in itself except for the fact that Gangnam Style is number 1. Like why?

Call it magic. Call it true.

I don't want to sleep.

Umm what did I learn today? The Psychology Department of my college is so cool. The students have their own research which is outside of their syllabus. A friend I talked to said their paper was going to be on Multiple Personality Disorder on Children of Single Parents. I wanted to ask why they had such an objective but it came out wrong. Then I didn't want to be too intrusive either.

Then I also learnt that there have been recommendations to remove the Act which criminalizes suicide from the Constitution. I do not know however if that is a good thing or bad. In a way its good because if people like back out from suicide they won't fear getting arrested.

Tell me your secrets. Ask me your questions. :)

All subjects are pretty cool. And you do need a little bit of knowledge from all the fields to lead a meaningful life. Nor does it guarantee meaning nor is it a sufficient condition for it but working knowledge is a must. Literature gives depth and if you learn to analyze literature you are in fact learning about human nature. Economics is also necessary at a basic level. Psychology just seems interesting. Basic Maths is necessary too. If nothing then to sharpen your brain. History is how you plan your future. Science is wonderful - we are little without the 3 sciences. Basically it all boils down to the way subjects are taught. The main objective of teaching anything should be clearing the concepts and then on letting the student analyze it of his own. We do have it here but it comes in pretty late - at college level. And even then the ones who can learn up things do have an advantage with the existence of the marking system. At my age I believe there are few people who are fueled by the drive to learn. Learning does not excite. Whatever they learn now is just a stepping stone to where they want to go in the future. I hope I have put this point across clearly enough. And me? Well I have to be honest. I have rarely had cause to put my brains to something since pretty much my first year. The only time when I actually think I am being productive is when I am writing and collecting my thoughts. Cannot really blame the institutions and their ways as I have a firm stand on this - Where there is a will there is a way. Could have read up things on my own. Could have at least grasped my syllabus concepts well. I regret it but I think I couldn't have forced myself into it. It seems I have fallen out of the habit of paying attention in classes but nothing catches my attention long enough. Nothing in my syllabus. Tell me something about what you are learning and you will have a very excited student before you who will even reference on what you say. I am a little scared and even sad that I did this to Economics. From loving it so much that I knew I wouldn't study anything else to this. I am still not clear on what changed - maybe the way it was taught maybe the college hours maybe my own lack of initiative I don't know. It pricks me! As for the other subjects the field does always look greener on the other side. I regret missing out on everything I am not studying. Every single thing.

Now I can go sleep maybe. Exhausted myself enough mentally with all this chatter! :D

Something I read today - To be something you've never been before you have to do something which you have never been before.

*Woah its 10 to 3 already! :O*

Wait. Forgot to complain about the food /today. Now today is special because tonight's vegetable tasted like vomit. Not even exaggerating. The salty vomit taste? /That /was our /vegetable /today.

Okay /I /b/etter /go /n/ow./ /Keyboard malfunction/g /as /might /b/e /ob/vious /from /the /n/umber /of ////////////////////////////////////////////////////. Fighting/ /to /make /it stop. /Plus /n/o commas. /:(

Thursday, September 3, 2015

I Stand Up Strong.

So here I go. This is a challenge to myself to write a page about the good things in me. If not good, at last neutral. No writing of being lost or my shortcomings. Just a page. Been upset for way too long and need to smile for a bit.

The first thing I can think of is I can love deeply. If you're my person, then I am not leaving you. You can do whatever you can, act like a complete asshole. I will be right here. Always. I can't explain this enough. My tolerance goes way too much. Ya probably not such a good thing. But the good thing is I don't love easily at all. So that is what keeps me protected - don't attach easily but if I do, oh well.
I will make it a point to keep asking after you if you're having an off day. If I really do understand, I will stick through the whole phase. Ya, here comes in the whole expectation package, but I have learnt to steer my thoughts away from that direction.
Umm, I am funny! I will tell you a little secret - my semi deafness helps. I just can't hear people clearly. And I just had a two day thing where my ear was so super blocked that I couldn't believe my ears (get it? :D) when I could hear properly.
Music really does set me free. I have repeated myself so much in that direction. Haha.
I am pretty honest. Sometimes it could be embarrassing.
I will come to your defense if you are being hard on yourself. So much so, I have decided to curb it and let people just go ahead.
I like how I remember details. Funny details. The most important ones.
I like how I have come to really understand the word 'family'. It means so much more than it looks.
I have learnt how to smile for others and be happy in their successes.
I am pretty level headed. Open to knowing more.
I like how I write. I see beautiful pieces of writing and moan about how I wish I could write half as well. But I like my brand of writing. Its true and vulnerable. Most of the best writings are. (Here is the part where I explain what I mean but I am just going to be a badass today ;))
I like how calm I am being about my future. Like not losing my head as much.
*Calvin Harris just came on*
I loooovvvveeeeeeeeee loooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeee looooooovvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee his voice.
Haha. I smiled. :')
I love how my favourite feeling right now is inspired. This is the closest I have ever come to giving up but I read things today. I am fucking alive. So, I should just be fucking happy.
I like how I am turning towards the path of acceptance now. I start by writing this.
I love how I feel so positive about life sometimes that I want to slap anyone who frowns.
I am beautiful.
I am strong.
I look back at the days where I wished I was really strong. I want to laugh at myself. I was strong all along.
I like how I will not explain all of what I just said today.
I like my dreams. I like my nightmares.
I like narrating my life like it were a story.
I like how I am at a loss of words when I want to describe something beautiful.
I like how I find meaning in the smallest of things.
I like how I am discerning what is taught and what is right.
I like how I question right and wrong.
I like my frankness for saying what I feel.
I like how when I just pressed enter, the scroll bar just appaeared and shifted downwards. To a new page.
I like the feeling I got right now - when I thought of how broken I feel but I will just learn to love every fucking piece.
Each one.
I am only as broken as I let myself be.
I will stop discounting myself. Even jokingly. At least until I can make out the difference between the two.
I will shut my ears because I am not inferior if I don't consent to it.
I like my honest admissions late this night.
I like how I stopped myself from calling everybody up when I woke up feeling panicky right upto my neck.
I like my battles. I will fight them. I will not remember what waking up feeling scared is like.
I like how I can romanticize everything right now - how at this time every small fucking part of me feels so beautiful. Feels unapologetic. Feels high.
Yes, they were wrong. Whoever said it was my fault. They all were wrong.
Yes, I will blame every one of you for not looking after me when I was down. But I will always know how wrong and stupid it is and not really mean it because I am still rational. I will stand beside you when you call upon me, though. I never ever say what I don't mean. That is why I never make promises like these.
Yes, nothing was wrong until I made it that way. I will relapse. I will blame everyone again. But I will get the fuck up. I will write this again. Millions of times. Day and night. Until it enters my bloodstream. Until it becomes my reality and my story.
I like my colour.
I like my fire. I like my spirit.
I will not deny the way it wants to manifest itself.
I will stop myself from becoming my enemy. I will stop trying to extinguish it because it is different. I will feed it and make sure it lives on and drives me whenever I falter.

I will have a good night's sleep tonight.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

The People Diaries - 2! :D

Tanya Anand!

The multi talented drama queen.
Her interests include mock-courting, debating, belly dancing, elocution, drama, singing and painting. Also, watching soaps and movies.
Her unwavering love for Shah Rukh Khan has led her to display her physical strength but very few know of her internal strength - true bravery in the hardest of times.
She gets bored easily only because she is so much fun.
She yearns to know more and learn more.
Silly and spontaneous, the other S that perfectly describes her is substance.
‎"She's mad but she is magic. There is no lie in her fire."

3 words you would use to describe yourself?
Brave.
Shy but kinda play it cool.
Boring. I like my company more than anyone else's.

What are your biggest strengths?
My failures. Or at least a reminder of them.
My friends when the going gets tough.

Things you believe in or rather live by?
There's no theory such as when you do good you'll get good.. You'll have to grab the good for yourself. Because good is a very busy man. I really believe in this. Also if you do good so that'll you get good - you're a douche.

Your weaknesses?
Procrastination. I love procrastinating. It could attack me anywhere anytime and could make me lose my focus.
Coffee - its both my strength and weakness!
And insecurity. It makes me do weird things.

Insecurity about who amd what exactly?
That I may not be as good as the others - be it intelligence looks or getting along with people. Anything could make me insecure depending on the situation.

Things you can't dream of life without?
There are feelings that I can never let go of. Compassion is one of them.
I can't dream to live a life without dreams as well. I think they give me purpose. They could be as silly as shit but they keep you going!

Things you feel and experience that makes you feel that life is worth it?
I absolutely heart the feeling  get after I finish an entire plate of tasty chicken lollipop. Its better than sex. Just a presumption. I haven't had sex.
Also when I sing my heart out and am then pretty impressed with myself.
When I  paint!

What pisses you off the most? Makes you wish you could change it?
My brother being an ass. I wish I could change his behaviour if not him.
Also I wish I could change the people around me. I wish the people I meet are all like my school friends and not idiots.

What do you want your story to say?
No suit Superhero.

What is that thing about you that you wished people knew?
I want to be pampered. No matter how much I push people away.

What is your reason for getting up in the morning?
To do what I do best. Daydream. And sometimes if I am in a good mood I do something about it. I work.

Goodness or greatness? Why?
Greatness. Greatness helps you to see and achieve a bigger picture.
One always has room for goodness.

Heart or mind?
This is hard. Heart. I really wanted to say mind though. Would have sounded so cool.

Things you'd like to do before you die?
Want to have sex. Oh wait. Have sex with Jensen Ackles. Also I want to be rich. But if I'm having sex with him I would definitely would be rich.

What is a sure shot way of impressing you?
Not being fake and at the same thing being soft spoken and really intelligent. And if you're not good looking I fear your chances would be jack.

Any piece of wisdom which you've acquired that made you think you were growing up?
I started thinking. And that's when I realized I was growing.

PS - Sorry about the lack of commas. Computer malfunction. :/