Saturday, October 31, 2015

Back Home

Hi. I missed you.

This is the kind of loneliness I hate.
When the TV is on, when someone is beside me and I have my phone in my hand. This isn't even the definition of lonely.
But don't you worry child. I can't afford to let go! :D

I swear to God that back home, the absence of papa of corner fills every second of time and every inch of space. You can feel him in all the things you do or don't; in all the things you see.

Today, I was given my first official work. From today I am going to go to office daily.

Mom is like on my back about college applications and I am just pushing things away.

I am missing certain feelings, certain sensations but I don't need them.

I can't begrudge people their happy lives. I mean I can, but there is nothing more foolish and fruitless than that.

Bye :)

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Competitive Goals vs. Personal Goals

Oh my mouth things are pretty cool now. Although I did go back to wondering how dad must have felt. It was just one part of my mouth and for him, burning in his whole tract. Ptch.

Anyway, I did think about it a little bit and narrowed down my career choices -
1) Become a businesswoman. This means taking up entrepreneurship as a course or better yet, work with a start up. You learn from other's mistakes.
2) IFS officer. Actually its the international relations strategy and the travelling that excites me. So studying international relations and ending up at the UN or shit is pretty cool!
3) Mom and dad's business. Expand it.
4) Studying supply chain management + logistics. Useful for working anywhere as well as for starting your own thing.
5) Other dream course is the Young India Fellowship. Unfortunately, can't get in with my CV.

So, my choices are pretty varied and thus I will have to choose. Can't work on two of those together.

Plus, I have other life goals as well. Like being awed by things, being able to continue as a free spirit - to write, or draw or be creative. Help people along the way. Be like Brandon of HONY. Be well read. Be a badass. Be wise! So many things to beeeee! So many places to seee. So much to do! (oh ya, learn a lot of new things, could be anything like stitching or cooking or driving or mountaineering!)

Sounds all well and good. But you know what's hard? When you are too excited and immature about it, or I am, or when you are in the phase where your dreams change constantly everyday, a new factor creeps in. I call it the 'competitive goals'. You are doing your own thing, you see other people following their own goals and suddenly you figure its missing on your list! And you want that. Suddenly you want to dip a finger in all pies. This is like a not good thing.

Personal goals are the things to prioritize on. Reflecting back and tweaking them from time to time is a must but don't be so quick to let other ripples spoil your calm. Remember your end is important too. Your goals are in your hands. Prioritize and even worse, choose. Choose between them to work on them. Be realistic. Like being spontaneous is not a thing you learn. Its just there or its not. There is so much to be for real!

Maybe that's why decision making is hard. It involves cutting out something that seems important. :/

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Not The Correct Time!

Oh well. This is a bad time to be my mouth. I have this ulcer on the inside of my lower lip plus the skin from the roof of my mouth is peeling. All on the right side. This means my right side is pretty useless. Right side of my mouth I mean. That's what is useless right now. *feels clever *
So I have made this to-do diary thing. Yes, I am already behind. Need to get my bag mended and return my cousins top ASAP. And packing. :/
Oh I miss dad a lot. Lotttss. I think the residual numbness is wearing off and I can feel the pain.
Learnt a dance routine yesterday night. Well tried to! Will continue tomorrow. Much worries about tomorrow. So much work to dooo! Oh man.
Today I spent 135 on a comb. How stupid am I!? Two important lessons I hope to apply in the future -
1) Learn to say no. Very important.
2) Leaen to haggle. Super important skill.
Damn. :/

Sunday, October 4, 2015

To You. With You. About You.

Hi Papa! :)

I came back today to this place. The Kolkata one. I am still getting used to it even after a month and half. Today I avoided uncle because I had a feeling he would want to talk about you and I'm not ready to, not willing to.
Listening to new music. Seems okay-ish. A YouTube video of about 2 hours.
Okay straight to the point. Yes, I am going to have to take care of myself and do something and leave all my thoughts of giving up behind. I don't know if you would be happy or sad but right now it's just you pushing me. I say to myself that if I don't take care of myself, then no one will. I know you are a survivor (no, the irony isn't lost on me) and would have said the same thing.
Its harder now dad.. Because I know now that you know everything. You're inside my mind. All that I've thought, think and will think. You'll know. You know. How much you would hate me torturing myself like that. I know.
I'm so lost dad. I don't know why I am not doing anything. Why I can't see forwards. The  tears don't come as easily as they did and I don't know if that's a good thing or bad.
Need a steel spine and bundle all my shit together. I hope this time I actually get around to doing it.
I think I know you better now. What you'd say or do. You just left it in me without me even realizing it.
Oh, before I forget, I had to say two things to you! I know you know but still!
Firstly, don't you ever worry about you being sick ever have been a problem for us. I know you'd been seeing us and that's how you know that you brought together everyone in your sickness.
Secondly, don't worry about the house either, I love it way too much and secretly didn't want it broken in the first place. Plus, you were born there, right? Its so cool! Not many people can/would be able to say that. I know I won't.
My mind can't process that you're not there anymore. When I think of you gone, I am in fact thinking of a parallel place or universe. I can't explain this. Its like I have to train my mind that the reality is what it is. It won't meander there on its own.
I like music so much because I feel like it purges me, Brings out to the surface all that is trapped inside. Says it okay to say and feel and express. How I keep failing at the correct things to say to the correct people. Yes, I know, people only make you feel bad if you allow them to.
Could I be wrong about so many things?
The best thing in life is that you're smiling whenever I see you. You are probably chilling with your own dad now and how nice it must feel when he says that you were an awesome person here! One day it might (will?) be true for me too.
Some people just don't know how to talk to me now.
I want to be everything. I want to be alone but I want to talk. I want to cry and then not cry and then not feel like a bad person about it.
Be with mom lots. Guide her correctly. She is so scared!
Meenal will totally kick ass at whatever she will do.
Me? I don't think I can be all you wanted me to be. You had dreams too big for me. I won't fit in them! But I can try being good at what I do! Deal?
Oh and baa and faiba. I am worried. Let them stay here for a lot more time. Please. Convince them too that you're around.

I look back to 27th sometimes. They changed you too much. They put flowers and a white cloth and a coin and then you didn't look like dad anymore. You could easily have been sleeping or at the hospital, holding my hand like you often did.
I hate it that you had to suffer so much if all He wanted to do was take you away. Its unfair. Specially after you struggled so much in life. But you were home and you saw us and heard us and I hope that made it easy. Makes me feel like I shouldn't complain.
The panic I felt when I saw you close your eyes.
But I kissed you a million times. I got to tell you I love you and that I was sorry and I understood what you wanted to say. I did.
I will keep talking to you in between, okay naa?
You will have to be kind of okay with that.
Maybe I won't feel so alone half the time now!

Oh wait. I guess in all of that I forgot to say thank you. :)
Thank you :*

Love you. :)

Friday, October 2, 2015

An Exercise in Futility

I am so down and so cyncinal right now that I will go against everything I say today.

Tell you what, human life is a big big exercise in futility.
What do you even survive for? Live for?
Nothing ever was yours. Nothing will be.
I always like to say I live for the people. But why?
People that give you love and make you happy will leave you, will find happiness elsewhere or just die.
You grow up to see things both good and bad - I am being fair here. But the bad is just too extreme and hence overwhelming. You see that much cruelty and endure that much suffering.
And for what?
To succeed against all odds or just come out of it.
To grow wiser and become better.
Cool. But for what?
To die.
Alone. Helpless. Your knowledge of no use. Just as you had come.

I guess the only distinguishable feature about life is you don't/can't get another one if you waste this one.

The aim of life is to make life less sucky for other people. So there is nothing in it for you if be a little selfish and try to make it better for yourself. Thus, there is the possibility of social utility from your existence. Personal utility? Perhaps not so much.

Its exhausting. I don't even know what 'it' I am talking about. Probably a life without purpose. Or just the routine of life. Get up and brush your teeth and have a bath and polish your shoes. But for what!? Did we just structure ourselves so because we didn't know what else to do? Or is this the best we can actually do?

Running in circles. Chasing tails.

I am thoroughly disgusted. Everybody told me that they would be there for me to talk to whenever, just had to text. But that's a lie.
I am disgusted that I know I am not trying to understand their lives.
I am disgusted that I am baselessly accusing as a friend just called and another texted and a teacher visited.
I am disgusted that I am just an inch away from spilling my contents to a complete stranger.
I am disgusted that I didn't write about dad. Because I wasn't there mentally where I wanted to be.

No point in anything. But I do love you, dad.
Bye. :)