Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Vulnerability.

Don' you feel on some days that no matter what we do or say, we are all vulnerable inside?
We are all simple inside.
Just a beating heart.
It makes me smile.
All those defenses and all our anger.. It means nothing.

Its like I can almost see it. The most honest part of you pulsating - in my head it looks grey, like mercury - quivering, because all it wants to be is understood. For some reasons, we hide it away. Protect it from others sights. I know I would do it half the times.
Reminds me of the times I do let go and let it show. Let it free. Let it take the limelight. Let it plead unashamedly. Let it just be with teary eyes and attached expectations. Scary. Beautiful, Free.
According to me, these days come unexpectedly. Sometimes, from unexpected quarters. When in the evenings you are with your friends and suddenly it turns to confession time. Or when you just get tired of everything and fed up and someone just happens to ask you if you were fine. You then decide to just give it straight, I guess it happens when you are drunk too. I wouldn't know. These evenings, these conversations that cement relationships. When you know your burden is not that heavy because you are not carrying it alone. And the most important realization that there is love and that is why you will be understood.

Ah! Our vulnerabilities and fears.
Is it time to stop hiding them?
To take off our masks?


PS - Half of this came from watching the video of Far Away by Nickelback. Don't ask how it happens with me. The only thing I was noticing was that she was waiting for her firefighter partner to come back. Watching the television, following everything. The apprehensions, the fears. A single thing that she wanted. I imagined me there. I was rooting for her. So glad that they didn't kill him off. How I long to be a musician. To create similar magic! :)

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Holding Grudges!

In my case, I have realized that holding grudges is so pointless that I am not even sure who is getting hurt by it. Its just lame and disappointing. And, it doesn't change anything. You remain the same, sticking to your viewpoint, and so does the other person. Madness, that's what it is. But yet, grudges are not so easy to let go of - at which point you'd seek some kind of a tit for tat. Worst idea ever.

There are so many dimensions to this but like many others things, this too is futile.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

#DreamDiary2

Yaa, I know. Dream Diary time again.
So I dreamt that dad was there and he was talking very nicely and normally to me in the kitchen. Like all the questions he would usually asks. I went near him and I touched him and he was so cold. And then I was crying and could barely whimper. I said - They're going to kill you dad, they'll kill you. And then you're not my dad.
All this happened because I realized he was cold. Like I said he wasn't my dad because somewhere I knew he'd gone and this version had to go too. Meenal and mom just looked on helplessly. This killing thing stems from probably what I was thinking of that morning.

But don't take me too seriously. The day before I dreamt my brother's ex REALLY getting on my nerves. So much so, I complained to everyone about what a bitch she was being. And I was shopping at her shop with people I didn't like much and hang out with much back in school!

Weird!

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Sucky-Thing-Go-Away-Er 2! :D

Blowing bubbles. Giant bubbles.
Open fields to run in.
Smugness when predictions come true.
Finding an accommodation you like.
Being the best dressed.
Striking off things on a to-do list.
Windchimes
Sound of bangles
A friend telling you a secret
Being the first to use the new bar of fragnant soap
Looooong phone conversations
Having heart to hearts
Falling leaves. Walking through then! *_*
Old people/people from remote areas getting on escalators for the first time. (They look so scared and excited and cute and hold hands while on it!)
Those moments when obvious (happy) realizations hit you in the head and make you feel free
A grim mouth breaking into a smile. Like seeing the smile form.
Fast internet
Successfully pushing yourself towards doing something you're afraid of
Whenever you remember you're never alone
A quiet fart that didn't smell/ a stomach grumble which didn't make itself heard
Finding company when you think you're falling behind
A very relatable listicle
When you're finally off bad-tasting medicines

PS - A shorter list, I know. Forgive any repetitions. :P

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Other Things I Want To Talk About

So, I was reading this tumblr - http://bipolarconfessions.tumblr.com/
and also http://www.artparasites.com/diary-of-a-borderline-girl-1-my-mortified-family-told-me-all-about-it/

These things are so dark and scary. Losing control like that over your own mind. I don't know if its cruel to say thank you for not being that way. But I relate to all things and all people (almost), and this was no different. The knowledge of the fact that it is all your fault, the feeling of exhilaration of everything being okay only to feel it all shatter a few weeks later on, the inability to ask what you want sometimes, to know that you can and have to do better but somehow failing at it and the annoying constant internal dialogues!
But its beautiful. The way, the 5th part of the BPD diary unfolds. Wait! I don't relate to everything or go through anything even close but these are happier things -

"We have more power over our mind than we are led on to believe, and we can put that energy to good use."

"I’ll never forget the deep pain I felt, nor do I deny it. I relate strongly to the ones lost in these ugly places. But I do have faith in them.

I hope they’ll eventually realize things are sometimes so simple, we won’t believe they’re true. I hope they’ll learn so much and that one day they’ll know how important it all was, how the whole chain of events, however pitiful or sorrowful, led to someone who got to meet, fight, surrender, know, befriend themselves.
There cannot be an end to an essay like this which can satisfy. Life does not offer many certainties, but it does offer the chance to reinvent, start over, leave behind the pieces which don’t match, change whenever you wish. And the best thing is, everything always changes, so however low you might feel, you can be certain of one thing: it will not be like this forever, and the energy in you will one day bloom."
Enough of that. Maybe I should put away some of this intensive reading for later on. I found this email id on one of the above which should be helpful, I don't know.
And, I know when I will finally be ready. When I won't flinch if I am asked to go through certain phases of my life again. When I can say I could face them again. Until then, the process isn't over.
Saw some other people get ahead in life again!! The sucky part is their work is so beautiful.
I don't like this post at all. Its all dark and unhappy and comes out sounding how I don't want it to. I have two questions that need answering - a why and a how.  Life = set then. Until then, let's try to not postpone the work at hand. But no, I don't want to end so stupidly. I made chocolate pudding yesterday and chopped a little of mom's hair today. Learnt some secrets. New things in life. Oh, and there used to be this goat teeth bone thing lying about in Bal Vihar (the school playground) - I think every single child in my school has seen it and made stories about it. I completely forgot about it! Until I found it all packed and wrapped inside my drawer while cleaning it out. Yes, I am the weirdest child everrr!! Found the twin of a paper bracelet I had given away. I had given the better one away. Feel like building bridges today. Please tell me its a very bad idea! :O
I miss talking to people!:( 

Memories Suck

You know why they suck? I cried. And my laptop became all snotty and dirty. I can feel it beneath my fingers. I had to stop crying because I can't worry anyone but someone tell me what photos are. No, they are a cruel reminder of how okay papa was. How I won't ever get to click a picture with him again. I think back to the Hyderabad trip. He took us. But when I see the photos, I saw how he couldn't walk to half these places. Remembered how they made him take off his prosthesis at the airport for security checking. Then I suddenly realize that all of it was for US. I feel ashamed. I remember there was this place - Shilparaman (would have to check the spelling to be sure). Papa got really pissed because we were spending a lot of time and weren't coming out. We became angrier in return. But all I think of now is how he spent so much of his time in the car, waiting for us. Smalll thing to ask from us then, wasn't it?

What sucks is all these lovely faces I am seeing in all these pictures are all going to be dead one day. Gone. And I can't escape that.

What sucks is this family history. A history of husbands being taken away too soon. Children being left fatherless. Mothers feeling so alone. All so soon before time. And then this stupid history being repeated.

What sucks is you can't preserve every piece and every smell and every feeling and every conversation and make a big shrine out of it. Its bullshit they say about souls being hurt when you cry about them. I think they understand.

PS - What sucks for all you readers is I shall be back soon. :P