Wednesday, December 30, 2015

All The Love That I Need! :)

So, what do I want with my life?

I keep asking this question to myself a lot and I never had an answer till today. I mean, it never struck as a whole together.

I want to be as happy and wonderfully content as I was/am yesterday and today combined. I have beautiful, beautiful people all around me - people who love me so much that it just shows without even trying. So you see I was always afraid of my faults but they have stood by me anyway. Even with my ‘perpetual cry face’. I have all the love I need. Life seemed simple – I was in that moment and I was smiling and laughing and sad because I knew that this part of my life was coming to an end.

Then, I completely let go. Okay, wait let me rewind. There I was in my bed faking studying. And my group message comes to life. There I see people as worried as I was about the future, about us. I could not stop myself from asking them to not leave. Three of us, stupid and singing and reassuring each other, wanting for it to last forever. There I found my happiness. Started talking to a childhood friend and there had been so much both of us were going through but never told each other. Realizing that we supported each other, there I found my happiness. My mother worrying about me staying up late into the night, and hugging me just because, there I found my happiness. My brother annoying me with all his lame you’re-so-stupid jokes, there I found my happiness. All of us people sharing our pictures and all of our love, there I found my happiness. Oh and when my grandmother asks me to not eat puchka paani for my bad throat, that’s happiness. And when faiba asks me if I want to have masala mudi every day that I am here, that’s happiness.  Today, I had my favouritest thing in the world for breakfast, with the people who have always looked out for me and with whom I could have always been with, (and yes, everyone knows what’s coming) that’s happiness. Sometimes, it is in the form of my super annoying sister who will never, ever, ever bother giving me a straight reply.  All of these people,  they were the same people I had been with everyday, and then I thought to myself how crazy I was to think that I was completely alone! Truly, I did have all the love I could possibly need. People who’d go out of the way if the need be. This love? It does nothing but make you strong. Invincible. [Maybe even mad, I was so happy that I wouldn’t have minded hugging Meenal. And let me tell you we never do that. Its ewwwwww. So much ewww. I think I will just take that back. I can't do that under any circumstances.]

So this coming year, I am going to focus on my light. Ask for help if I need it and learn to accept it. I will be truer and kinder. It would be so wonderful if everyone found that strength within themselves just because somebody else was a little bit kinder. Life is simple when you think along the terms of ‘Love the people who treat you right and pray for those who don’t’. I guess I am definitely failing my papers but ending my year like this is priceless. I fear the future a lot because I don’t know where I am going or where I am doing. This year will bring new people and new places and a whole lot of work with it. But if these people are there, I have better trust that it will be okay. It is not just about protecting your light actually; it is about trusting it and harnessing it and channeling it into something beautiful. I think it ultimately leads you into being fearless, into moulding you into who you really want to be. It makes it easier for you to embrace yourself when you find it hard. Likewise, imagine the power you have to be a part of someone else’s light. Learn more about the people you care about and make sure they never give up. Care for others just because [unless of course they are one of those backstabbing, stupid, just-using-you bitches]. Maybe it is hard to find any kind of hope but try and try. Don’t turn a blind eye to the rope that is trying to pull you out. Have trust. Learn a little bit from everyone’s beauty and don’t just stop at admiring. Imbibe it. Try to find out why you and how you are limiting yourself and dedicate this year to getting past that. You’ll get there! We born and then we die and even though the period in between is mostly not knowing what the hell is happening, that period of confusion could be enjoyed so much and so thoroughly. And it would mostly be due to the people you have been blessed it. I just have one qualm though. I do wish we could bottle up such days and nights and keep them and consume them when necessary.  But I guess that’s not really living maybe.

Anyway, 2015. If I had to define it in one word, it would be ‘persistent’. 10 million times I gave up but I didn’t. I don’t know if it is wrong to be proud about that but I do know it would not have been possible without these happy pills.

So, again what do I want to be in life? Happy. What do I want from life? Happiness. Everything else is very, very secondary.

Also, a random bit from berlin artparasites about bringing in the new year –
“Don’t define yourself by everything that you regret doing in 2015. You still carry the regrets from the previous years, it’s enough. It’s enough. Start changing from now on. Define yourself by your favourite book, your favourite song, how much your mom loves you, how much your dad looks out for you, how much your sister looks up to you, how much your partner supports you, how much you love pizza, or ice-cream or whatever that makes you happy.”
Source - http://www.artparasites.com/how-to-carry-yourself-gracefully-and-realistically-into-a-new-year/

Yes, I know you’re looking out for me. Or am I just that smart that I figured everything out on my own? ;) Haha no, I know you are looking out for all of us. :)

Also, some lines by Aanchal Arora because I liked them even though I don’t love shoes that much –
“Real happiness is laughter and warmth. It is kindness and love. A pair of shoes is happiness for an hour, these things – a lifetime.”

Yeah, I know if you’d read this before you wouldn’t have to read the whole damn thing.

Haha, anyway, Happy New Year people. Sending a lot of good feels to everyone! :)

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Looking Back!

So this is as my sister calls it - the awkward period between Christmas and New Year. [Merry Christmas, people!]
This  calls for the clich├ęd looking back at the year shit. I could have done this more properly if I could possibly remember a whole year at a go. The first part of 2015 is a blur. Ummm, I had exams during my birthday. But I had the amazeballs cheese butter dosa. Haha yaaa. Shristi accompanied me! That's January. :P
February was Tanya coming down. It was this year or last? Memory fails me. Oh wait, it was this year. Celebrated Valentine's with my girls. Got flowers for everyone.
I even had observed the Hundred Days of Happiness challenge. Really good thing that I did and should probably do it again.
Made really beautiful cards. Yes, they were so good that I can shamlessly boast about it. A comic book for my sister. Made a resolution to make a card for everyone. Broke that resolution. Made dad's birthday card and a mother's day card as well.
Ohhh yaaa, Bhavik bhai got married this year. I got to dance to a Deepika Padukone song. Not just any song but my favourite Deepika song. Deepika came out about her depression this year and opened her own foundation to help people with it.
All my relatives had come down in July celebrate mom and dad's 25th (a fake 25th because that is going to happen next year) but it was a lovely surprise nonetheless.
Discovered Lily Singh's blog. Discovered Martin Garrix was just 19! Didn't find my calling in life. Got more attracted to music. Reached my lowest point. Lowest of the low which seemed like a point of no return. Randomly bursting into tears and crap. Tried to get rid of old friendships. Didn't happen. Made new friends. Visited a counsellor for the first time ever. Lost my dad. Lost someone that close to me for the first time. Now let me take a moment to tell you that death has been my worst fear since I was a kid. I used to day dream about it and cry. But I survived it. Don't think I could go through another such shinding. Yeah, wrong word. Formulated my own theories about life. Still learning to make my own decisions. Realized everything is not as perfect as it seemed. Was envious of perfection anyway. Changed my accomodation. Twice. Got really sick of stalkerish men. Learnt marriage/children mean squat when I came across three icky married men. Got obsessed with being alone. And then not wanting to be alone. Co-made Aanchal's birthday card. Went for Afrojack. First such concert. First time to Nicco Park. First big open confrontation thing. Realized everyone, literally everyone I knew has dated at least once. Fell in love with Calvin Harris. Chris and Gwyneth split. Reached so many views. Had people come up to me and say how they liked my writing or were affected by it. I can't tell you how freaking happy I feel about that! Its one of the most amazing feelings! Learnt so so much from my friends. Went for laser tag for the first time. First time to Fire and Ice and One Step Up. Had people liking me! Ran to and fro from hospitals. Had college attendance issues. Learnt a dance routine from YouTube. Fought a little more than last year from random strangers. Started with my interview series. Studied like crazy before my second year exams. I didn't know I had that much discipline in me! Made ganache for the first time. Went on and off Facebook and WhatsApp a lot. Became more grateful. Actually became more conscious about being grateful. Wondered a lot about Sweety's family. Met Samaira before she was even one. Went to office regularly for a bit. And my college social service! Went to Udaipur for the first time. :) Komal left the city having completed her graduation. Attended a regatta for the first time. Realized I liked saying regatta a lot! Read Goblet of Fire for the first time. Didn't complete my reading list, unfortunately.

Oh, can't think of other things right now. Will keep adding them. :)

Edit -
Got my first ever surprise birthday party with the suprer awesomest personalized cake. Made and executed my first ever one day out of town beach plan. Went to a disc for the first time. Had shots for the first time. Gave my last (ever?) Math and Human Rights exam.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

You will never know, nor will I.

Even when we are very close, when nothing separates us, when there is not even an inch between us and I can feel you breathe, you will never completely understand me. And nor will I understand you.

You have to give it time. But even then when our hair is white (here I know I am just assuming it isn't dyed :P), when we have grown really tired of fighting over the same things and reached a stage where one of us just gives in, even then you will be close but not just quite.

We are two different magical beings. Maybe we have always been together, but people will shape us, situations will shape us, and that is why we will be wired differently. Its beautiful in itself. How things alter our workings and how two people are never the exact same. How we will never be able to decipher because we haven't seen or felt the things the other has. You know what will happen then, don't you? You won't understand my tone or where I am coming from when I say I am scared or when I say that I simply just have to do something. You won't understand why I like things a certain way and I won't understand your pickiness. I won't understand your tone or your anger or your prejudices which you will refuse to give up. You won't understand my greed or miserliness and I won't understand your possessiveness.

Its all a part of being two separate individuals. But we can accept. Accept enough to reach a stage comfortable enough to not feel the need to explain every sentence.
A stage when I will not have to wonder whether you just said what you said like a fact or did it mean more than it seemed. A stage where it all isn't a game anymore. A stage with open communication.

I think its the least we can hope for.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Good Things Today! :D

The good things of today.
A satisfactory gift given.
An excellent gift received.
Cheesy lunch.
(Almost) no money crunch.
Looking around at those beautiful people wondering whether you'd feel the same again with a new different set of people.
Feeling so loved. They have spoiled me toooo much. I can feel the approaching separation 4 months before hand. :(
Finishing my EVEd exam in ten minutes flat.
Successfully postponing all my worries to tomorrow.

Tomorrow includes:
Packing
Fai ghar
Exam centre
Aanchal's place
Fai ghar
Pg

Day after:
Station
Home

Today was so good. Can't wait for tomorrow to get over. :/

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

You Know What's Funny?

So you know what's funny?
Here I am sitting in my class.
And my complete my cycle again.
Like lololololol.
I can't really tell you how funny this is but everything is funny at this point. Because this full cycle and how I act is making everything else funny too.
This is my life.
Full control? Such a joke.

But Maybe.

I don't want to waste my best years like this. I am just beginning life and I am already ruining it for myself. I don't want to be stupid and want to do happy things. If nothing, just figure out what I want to do. I am very apprehensive of this phase. My apprehensions won't delay it. Come on mind, be mature.

Be your own little brand of happy and a little crazy.
Come on.

Two Images. Same Face.

[So I came to know that people actually read this but then this still remains my space. Oh and very conveniently everybody read about my Secret Santa because that is the ONLY aspect of my life that I write about and of course I would be stupid to even write about it when idk whatever.]

I was seeing this thing again. A lady pulling her hair out - very agitated, frustrated and hopeless. And a lady properly groomed and her lipstick in place and a big smile on her face. Somehow, she looked a little like an air hostess. Both of them had the same face. Both of them in little boxes side by side.

I have been having a hard time controlling my anger and my irritation.

I just want to say that I hate you for the things you do. But its a lie. I hate myself for what I do.
I detest your activities but that's fine too. And to the rest, I imagine throwing dung bombs at them. History repeating itself, again. I use this phrase way too much for my liking.

Its pretty much time to rethink. And accept. And change accordingly.

Thank God for Coldplay which is currently mellowing me down. Every second, every waking second is a fight and a struggle and its annoying to pause every two minutes to ease up. I am tired of saying I am done with people and then begging and being needy the very next moment. I hate all this paranoia. Their laughter is stupid. They are stupid. I still don't want to admit its up over my head. Asking for help is pointless.

I missed dad SO much yesterday. Like he was all I could see, the whole day, mid class, after class, while writing down those stupid notes. I still don't see how these two realities can coexist - like I was the one who saw all that and heard all that and it is me myself sitting in this class, laughing. Like this can't be it. I couldn't be here and there. Disassociation type things. But crying is for a private audience of one.

So in a nutshell, I am very annoyed by my thoughts. I want to be alone because I will just piss everyone off or have them looking after me. I like walking. And I like Calvin Harris and love Chris Martin. Most importantly, I would like to break about 10 things. Break and break and destroy and shout and whatever. Thank you very much.

:)


Yeah. Nothing very interesting here. Waking up super happy. Spoiling it. Spewing hatred and then going to sleep.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

A Lot of Time!

So, I was going through some old stuff and it seems like I have been bothered by the same things over and over. Some things have upset me for almost 5 years now and some things for maybe 7-8 years! (Probably I couldn't pinpoint it 7-8 years back as consciously but I think it must have been there in some measure.)

So, yes, that is a lot of time!
Am I crazy? How can anyone waste so much time! Such a shame. And I didn't even realize it before! I mean I had started having an idea about it only recently but this just struck me hard. :O

Also, I had this crazy idea about how I didn't want anyone to die and when I died there were certain things I wanted people to know - messages for people I'd known. I called it my death note. I never completed it because if you read the people I have included in it, it includes my local mudi man too! Just that exhaustive. But I got around to reading the bit I had typed. You know what's funny? I had typed this thing for dad too. And he never got to read it! How foolish I was to think my idea would work! You know, just because I happened to write about it! Hahaha! Come on. It is kind of funny. Is ironical a more apt word? I don't know.

Monday, December 7, 2015

I WENT FOR AFROJACCCKKK!

SO THIS HAPPENED.
LIFE IS AMAZING.

OH I WENT FOR FREE. JUST BY THE WAY.

I will give more details later but the thing is there is too much joy. I hope I always remember how happy it feels to just jump up and down and hear nothing else and see nothing else; to look at the stars and think how lucky you are to be there at the right place and right time. I hope I have other occasions to feel this again. I can't believe it happened. I went all out. Nothing matters but your happiness. <3

:)

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Secret Santa!

You know what I want for Secret Santa?
Okay, let me be sappy today, please. I can't be sappy elsewhere!

For starters I want to exchange the person to whom I am gifting. I got the same person last year and its just not fun.

I want lots of warm hugs with lots of love telling me that everything is okay. That I can be what I want to be. That I can do what I want to. And that there is no reason to be afraid. That eventually there is your path will decide your direction and its all fun, I just got to trust. I don't know about the external validation part, but you can't hug yourself. Just can't. I like warmth a lot.

Oh and also, Coldplay tickets would do.

Some sticky situation going on here in this room of mine. Hoping for things to get sorted out! :)

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud.
I never said thank you for that
Now I will never have a chance
...
Song for a heart so big
God couldn't let it live

I miss you. And I do love you. God promise. I still dream of you time and again. :)