Thursday, January 28, 2016

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Panic continues today!

So I wake and worry about what will work in my favour when I will be desperately wanting to get ahead in life. Already I am at crossroads with no plan? So much uncertainty. I have no leadership qualities, no seizing opportunities instincts. It comes with time probably. I remember how I had resigned from elections in school because I just thought I wouldn't have been able to do it. With time, posts became bigger and turned into monsters I wouldn't want to face. Such little faith. I could feel my heart constrict.
But it is going to happen, isn't it?
You learn to fight for what you really want. So again, we come back to the basics - what do I really want (career wise)? I close my eyes to wonder and instead meet ten other kinds of fears. Fear, fear, fear.
What fears? Of failing, of ending up as always switching jobs, of people having to lift me up. Then these mix into the kind of fears which are not even related to what I was thinking about in the first place.

In other funny things, I believed that everybody has this list of features they like in a person, and if you didn't fit in that image, they stopped liking you and seeked someone else who matched better. Like somehow another person could make you seem bad and then take your place. Two people in the same position cannot co-exist. Its only one. And if the other person is loved, you automatically 'lose'. Two or more people cannot be loved the same. If liking for one increases, the liking for other automatically diminishes.

And providing for myself. Removing cowardice from every little crevice.

Oh I don't know who to talk to.. even just to gain clarity! :/

Dependency Theory

Oh, the title has got nothing to do with what I am about to write or type actually. I just had to do this because I am an Economics student. :P

So what is emotional dependence? And how bad is it? Or is it natural?


As per tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-over-depending-on-others-cut-puppet-strings-and-be-real/, the definition -

"We all need to be taken care of, validated, encouraged, and given support. When we can receive these things from others and use them to nurture our spirits, this is healthy dependency. When we draw strength from these experiences, it allows us to more easily be independent at other times—relying on and caring for ourselves, and being the one to support others.
This is called interdependence, and it’s a beautiful ebb and flow in relationships of bothgiving and being able to receive. As social as we human beings are, this is pretty necessary for our survival. The instincts for it run deep in our nature.
Over-dependency is when you find yourself struggling to return to emotional independence when needed. For me, this involves a lot of worry and obsessing over what someone else thinks of me.
It feels like an intense need for someone’s approval, otherwise I’m not okay or enough. Sometimes it comes out as continuous attempts to prove myself, or be perfect, or seek compliments. Other times, I give up too early or avoid people who I feel may never approve of me."

I do think this is natural because 95% of all the people I know do seek some kind of external validation. And.. It just seems natural, right? When you're scared or desperate or hopeless, you look outside for reassurance. No? Happens to me when I am at my worst. The need to know that there is a better. [I know that about myself but yet when it came up in random conversation, I shot off a help message.]
And that's why bonds exist right? So you learn to lean and care and share and feel not alone?
Plus, it can't be that bad if it boosts your mood and if you depend not on the world, but on like 5 people!?

The help message too was shot off partly due to a need to know about the 'right' course of action. So again, I turned to Google again.

The reason that was repeated often, as to why one shouldn't depend on other people, was that they are not always going to be there. I found this reason to be very dank and depressing. The 'everyone leaves' line. Bleeehhh. Too optimistic to believe its true. One point which I did agree with was sometimes we forget we are not the centre of the universe and thus blame others when they can't provide support. But the truth is everyone is struggling for themselves!! Oh, its a fight!

[On scanning through https://www.howtoforgivepeople.com/how-to-overcome-emotional-dependency]
In fact it also means that somewhere you're not doing enough for yourself. You're either ignoring your needs or not working towards fulfilling them. Sometimes, we look outward because looking inward might be too difficult because we are too harsh with ourselves. Like even I had/have notions of right-ness which I need to abide by and many times it doesn't happen because it takes time to be your own idea of an ideal person. So in my case the trigger would be a deflection from what I should be or when someone says something which though not necessarily untrue, doesn't fit into my mould. Oh and also loneliness at times. But -
"Loneliness may be little more than boredom combined with self-pity or with wanting companionship too much and too soon."
Remedy involves stressing on what gives you relief in that dependence. Also, to accept and embrace and allow yourself to feel the worst of emotions. Because that's what we are scared of, right? Listening to things we don't want to accept.

According to zenhabits.net, this is how self reliance happens -
  • Learn to fix your own problems. If you are bored, fix it. If you are lonely or hurt, comfort yourself. If you are jealous, don’t hope that someone will reassure you … reassure yourself.
  • Take responsibility. If you find yourself blaming others, tell yourself that the other person is never the problem. Of course, you can believe the other person is the problem, but then you are reliant on them for the solution. If you believe that they aren’t the problem, then you look inside yourself for the solution.
  • If you find yourself complaining, instead find a way to be grateful.
  • If you find yourself being needy, instead find a way to give.
  • If you find yourself wanting someone to help you, help yourself.

Source - zenhabits.net/self-reliance/

Basically (I know I am being abrupt but I am too sleepy now) it all comes down to acceptance, acceptance and acceptance and self love.

I do not know if I am being crazy and wanting to change every little thing in me but I feel the need to know where I am going wrong or if I am just going okay. I would have asked what the 'normal' limits are but it kind of proves my point. This confusion. Bothers me all day. Help with the right course of actions. :/:/:/

Anyway sleepy now. Good Night! :)

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Some Days

Some days are just made for the purpose of lying in and waiting for life to pass you by. Its cozy under your blanket and you have a book in your hand and you fall asleep while reading and then wake up and continue and then not get out of that blanket for hours. Occasionally listen to a song or surf for something new but the world seems to be dead. The promises of tomorrow seem to be faint.
Just you and the silence and comfort and a little tinge of glominess about what is yet to come.

And Everglow <3

I wonder if I will ever be everyone's favourite or end up being just someone on everyone's lists. Yes, my idle mind.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Misconceptions!

For a long, long, looongg time I used to think that people experienced the same emotions as me. As if there was no other way to exist. I didn't even realize that I thought my way of feeling and seeing things was universal. Anyone with an inch of a brain would know I was wrong.
For a long time, I thought my heart was dead - that I could never accept someone as my own and actually love them. But that too, is kind of wrong. I now know I can love people and it comes out and is sometimes scary that it won't stop. I was actually worried once upon a time that I couldn't form any real bonds!
For a long time I thought loving someone means loving them wholly. But yes, it is possible to love people while disliking and criticizing some of their parts. I think that is the only way love exists. It doesn't make you bad to point out things that are wrong. Love doesn't diminsh that way.

Maybe, just maybe, I am 2% less scared of even saying the word love [that word is just too loaded for my liking] at the end of these 3 years. :)

Edit - For a long, long time I also did think that there is no such thing has dirty, oily hair. Kolkata taught me I could not be any wronger. Hah!

Friday, January 22, 2016

Picnic and Other Things!

Today was the last picnic of my college life. I decided to give cricket a shot today. Such a sucky game. Never got the bat. And my area of fielding never even got the ball. But Shristi taught me to bat later on which is cool - wanted to learn it. Dad was a pretty cool bowler and I forgot what his speciality was though. Left handed spinning I guess. Did show we how to do it with the smiley ball. Haha. :)
I loovee that I see so much of him in my dreams. The last dream was the most beautiful. It was something I had been worried about so, so much.. I am however now conscious of how uncomfortable everyone becomes when I talk about dad. Sooo ya.
Got to apply to colleges and organize my cupboard.
Once you are insecure or afraid about something, does it ever really go away? Or are you really capable of managing to just temporarily numb it?
Seems like nothing good is happening for me. Its a weird thing to say!
Alan Rickman passed away.
13 days of college are left. Can't digest it! Made me want to cry so bad on the way back from picnic. Just when you start accepting and loving a situation, you adopt it as your own, your time is up. It is unfair. I need to reign in my anger and irritation and other weird reactions for these 13 days. Don't want to hurt these wonderful people. Kind, honest, accepting people.
Dr. Debiprasad Duari gave an excellent lecture in my college the other day. About space and solar systems and things. He is so passionate about his work! Isn't it lovely when people work with what they are so amazed by!? He might have transferred his awe in me.
Love people with passion that manifests itself in whichever way - might be writing or drawing or whatever. Good things!

I want something better for myself. Is it wrong to want to wait for the better when you can't even define better? My gut tells me that I should give a shot to things even if they might not be that stable. Lets's see.

Good Night. Too tired. Bye bye. :)