Saturday, December 10, 2016

Gap Year = Good Idea? + Page From My Diary.

I had imagined gap year to be all like wow exploring yourself and chilling and exploring and being full of direction at the end of it. But this isn't what happened especially for me. I wouldn't say this year has been a waste but it was not glamorous in the least. I learnt new things and shit but oh my God, the worry! The panic! The uncertainty that still remains at the end. One should always keep those factors in mind before taking a year off. Also keep in mind that it is no race but it perpetually resemble that for some reason. Like time is running out and you are somewhat stuck. All the inhibitions and problems you have? They don't suddenly go away. You still have to work on them. You do get the time now to listen though. Time is still precious. Don't waste it on useless experiments. But.. what is useless? There is no saying what is useful or not. Just say more yes-es I guess? This is just the beginning. There is a lot to figure out, still.

Notice how stressed up you always keep your shoulders. Relax. Sometimes it all feels like a big load, a big responsibility, like you're never going to be able to do it. It's a mountain you can't climb. At other times, you doubt things are so tough. If you could keep in sight the micro goals instead of macro ones, it would start seeming a little bit like a walk and before you know it, you've made the climb. This is how it works, isn't it? If you adapt to opportunities, no decision can be "wrong". You keep switching to perfecter fits. This is a time also where you realize just about how average you are.Or maybe you already know that, it just becomes less stigmatized to accept it? Everyone is average and stars don't fall into your lap. You realize how much of thinking goes with growing up. A million choices will confuse you and you want to make the best choices but a choice is just a choice and you can't know the future and the next time your shoulders tense up again, just remember the worst choice is not making any choice at all. No matter what the present circumstances are, we are all equally susceptible. All of us are on rather tiny dinghies at the mercy of waves. Someone once told me you get to better times, or at least different times, if only you can accept the current situation you are in. Accept it and live in it. Joyfully. I guess that is how you learn to cope with it. Trust brain and heart in equal parts, sometimes favour one. And then just see how it goes?

This turned out to be quite a rant.

More knowledge from a page of my diary.

"One of the biggest things that could hold people back from big things is their own voice telling them that they can't do it; it is a simple primitive self defense mechanism that protects people from failure. But it also prevents you from trying.. from dreaming. That way you don't give it your all, you don't pin your hopes on anything and since you know you sucked, you don't end up disappointed. Failure. What's so terrifying about it? Honestly, the answer should be absolutely nothing because all it yields (or rather should yield) is satisfaction that you tried for what you wanted. And satisfaction is a good feeling. Next is the matter of questions from people. But they don't know you or your troubles. Moreover, there is a difference between someone branding you as a failure and you calling yourself a failure."

And also to get closure from something that's been bugging me since forever. There is this misunderstanding thing with this aunty. And she seems so mean and shit. And somehow I feel it's because of some fault of mine but I wish I could tell her I am not a bad person, I am just weird. But that is never happening. So, here's to hoping either one of us solves this weirdness. I wish more people understood that I don't do some things deliberately, they just happen. Till then, well. I don't think this is closure. xD

And what else? Filling out applications suck. Next thing I know applications will be like have to know gymnastics, baking and tables of 563 to apply. Sigh.