Sunday, June 18, 2017

#DreamDiary5

So this dream was a little different because it followed a script sort of a thing - it felt like the story was pre-planned and we were all just acting it out.

I have forgotten the details but there was this villain and obviously his gang. I was with a family and in the end all of them were dead. It was a big family.

Then he hurts himself a lot with an iron rod.

Oh wait before that two of us escape. Non-family members. And there are 4 gang members. Yaa, so both of us non family members find two policemen. And we take them there and as we are taking them there, I remember the script saying they'll die. So I ask them to bring in some reinforcements. But they are adamant and over confident. We just shrug. At a little distance off, we find the gang members chilling with other people, not making any effort to run. And then I see the villain and my blood chills. Because he's hurting himself with the said rod and his intestines have started coming out - and all this because he couldn't catch us. He was punishing himself.

So again, going back, the reason why he was chasing us. We had given him some documents.

Anyway he spots us. And the next thing we know, he packs his dangling intestines and pursues us. On a bike. Like doesn't give up, not this guy. Apparently he can't even hold the bike handles because he's hurting. And all of this was a part of the script. We saw him in the exact corner we were supposed to.

He then reaches us and says in a quiet deadly tone to give the papers to him. So my friend goes to get the papers. It takes her a lot of time. He is getting impatient. Finally I leave the room to go see where she is. I find her fake stamping those papers! Idk we have fake government stamps. This time duping is about principles. We can't let a bully intimidate us this way. A gang member comes in, sees her stamping, doesn't realize. Gets a little puzzled but walks off.

He comes. Doesn't notice her. Talks to me. About what? I had left some papers in a folder we gave him. It had some accounts and maths and he was explaining why it was wrong. I understood it but kept talking about it to save my friend. I remember having this moment while keeping him engaged where I think oh even the script said to do this, why didn't​ I remember?

Did I mention all this is happening in my house? Like Bhaichand Bungalow house?
Then we all are sitting together as he inspects the documents. He finds a little fault with them. That is when the gang member speaks up and says ya I saw them stamping the papers. He goes wild!

We are caught surrounded by bad people we've double crossed and that's the last thing I remember.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Morning! :D

So, it's 5-16 A.M. and guess what I have been doing for the past 3ish hours.

STUDYING :D

I love love love love studying things which are not in my "syllabus". Like I swear that I have been so engaged with the content. I barely got distracted and I will not lie, I am finding it challenging. I even want to read the optional material and study the statistics portions. But there's just no time. I want to study everything again.

And got rejected again today. Or maybe yesterday. That is one thing that sucks. Not the mention the very unprofessional behaviour of some other institution that asked me to send in my CV and then vanished - no reply to phone calls or e-mails. Yes I admit it was my fault for sending in the CV a day later than promised. But the person in charge should have informed me.

Delhi feels cool about now. I hope the weather stays as nice today. My view is an empty compound lot filled with garbage. So much wow.

I think I shall retire now. Today was a successful, happy day. :')
Because cold coffee, ice cream, vada and calls and call backs and people I like and an AMAZING meditation session.

Should not let blessings go by! :)

Cheers.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Pikachu.

Just because I wanted to say word that was happy and cute. Can words be cute? Clearly, yes.

So, I read somewhere you should write down 10 ideas everyday. Yes, that's right, ideas. Apparently it helps that you allow your mind to think creatively for some time everyday. I tried doing that - but by the end of the day I am too sleepy usually and during the start of the day I am in a rush to start my day. Can't really be creative with a sword hanging over my head.

But the problem with me is reading just too many productivity hacks. More than I can possibly fit in a day. And in the end nothing changes. So rule 1 - take one hack at a time. Because all of them are "good" but none will take away the trade-off. You still have just 24 hours. You got to make sure they are more than just, well, 'just'.

I am kind of glad today. I re-discovered my dream job profile/dream job organization. Working in research with J-PAL. I remember thinking a long way back that I wanted it and today was ogling all about it. Their work gets me very excited. I have a better idea of the fields that interest me that much.

So, this song came on. It is so beautiful. I think about the voices that make me smile and be happy. It's a sad state that I don't devote more time to music when it makes me feel so.

Today I grappled a lot with jealousy. And I am trying hard to get to the root of it. It's​ this weird thing which I have seen in my relationships with people as well - to keep getting better. But well, sometimes, in a weird negative way because you're trying to touch some impossible parameters. I guess that's what sets me off the most - when some people get to touch all of the extremities and that too successfully. It is a feeling of defeat. And I need to change that perspective. My time is all I have.

Gratitude is a good soldier against jealousy. Gratitude and mindfulness and the realization that you can't spend your limited resources on someone else. The realization that it's the circumstances that differ a lot. Hustling is the only thing that can help you. Just that. I think it's also important to remember how far you have come along on your own journey. Can't belittle your own achievements because somebody else turned out to be smarter, faster and (at least from the outside) better at bloody everything else. I read somewhere today that sometimes you tend to attach to the sentiment that a life values more if it's ahead of you. But tell me why? And what is ahead? It's so easy for me to get lost in this maze.

Also a beautiful idea was (this one from The Financial Diet) is to do at least 4 things simulation that interest you. That way you don't attach your identity to that just one thing - mostly your work. Let the things you are passionate about define you. So, next time when someone asks you what you do? Let it be much more than your work.

Life is beautiful. It gives you things sometimes while it is taking away something else. Not always but yes.

Ah, time I became cryptic again for I can be more honest about my own shortcomings than about somebody else's alleged ones.

Let my actions take me towards my dreams.

Good night :)

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Update.

Hi peeps.

Not like anybody cares but here's life.
Studying. Applying. Getting rejected. Feeling dejected. Spending 10-12 hours daily with 0 company.

Getting infected with dreams. Realize they're probably going to get crushed.

Questioning what I am doing. A lot. Can't give up.

To be honest, feeling pangs of jealousy. Trying to get to the root of them. Because you possibly can't do everything and if someone does something amazing, doesn't mean you're doing shit. Makes sense? O.o

I hope it all works out. I am going a little bit crazy.

And sometimes it's going to feel like everybody's gone and they probably have which is also good maybe?

Have you ever realized that you're doing the same thing that you thought sucked in somebody else?

It doesn't all sound very coherent.

The only time I am happy is when I am studying.

Cheers.
Bye.